Complicated situation, seeking advice

[Andy_Duphresne]

Hi, this is my first post here. Well, it's kind of long, but here goes.

This involves my store manager and I. I am really into her, but there is a company rule that managers cannot be involved in any kind of relationship with any employees or subordinates, so basically one of us would have to transfer to a different store if we were to hook up. I'm pretty sure she is attracted to me, but due to this hindrance we really haven't been able to get to know eachother outside of work. Whenever she flirts with me or gives me a compliment she makes sure nobody is around to hear, and vice versa. So a few weeks ago I finally decide to try to make something happen, and I asked her if she would like to go to a baseball game with me, and she said she would really like to, but she has a volleyball league on that night. Shortly afterwards, she told me I looked like I was in a good mood, which I kind of was since I didn't really see any signs of her not being sincere in wanting to go with me.

A couple weeks ago I decided to buy tickets to the final home game of the season, and asked her if she wanted to go again, and this time she told me she didn't have anything planned for that day, and would get back to me in a few days and let me know if she could. She ended up telling me she was going to visit her grandparents, which is believable since it was a Sunday and I remember her lamenting in the past about having to cover somebodies shift on a Sunday and not being able to see her grandparents. She then thanked me for inviting her, and was pretty sincere. That happened during a very bad week for me; I had strained a muscle in my lower back and shoulder, and I couldn't hardly sleep because of that. I was really petulent and very tired that week, and at the end of the week I ended up asking her if I could transfer to the store on the other side of town. She said she really didn't want to lose me; I was her best worker and she would try to oppose a transfer if she could. I gave her the reason that for the next semester, the tech school campus in town was moving my program to the campus in town to the south of our city, and that my lease was up in two months and I would be moving to the south side or to the bordering town because that campus is about 30-40 minutes from my place. She seemed really concerned, and by the way she was acting I knew she was concerned with me and figured I was frustrated with her.

The transfer was OK'ed, and she had a very emotional tone the next day when she asked me when the date was that I wanted it to take place, and she really didn't say anything to me for the rest of the night. I felt really bad, because I now knew that she does care about me, and now she pretty much figured I was leaving because of her. So the other day we are back working with eachother, and towards the beginning of the shift she approaches me and tells me she "might not be here" much longer, and might be transferring to the store on the south side of town to run it. After she told me that, she told me she was sorry for making me feel bad. So basically she either was sincerely sorry for not really making herself accessible, and wanted to transfer instead of me since she figured out why I really wanted to transfer. Or she realized that I care for her a lot and am frustrated that we really can't get to know eachother due to our positions and wants to maybe start a relationship. After that, she seemed fine and the night went like normal. The only thing I really noticed is that whenever I brought up anything having to do with us, she would look down when talking, which is odd. I have heard that this means a woman is smitten with you, and when we talked she seemed honest and sincere. At this point in my life I am pretty decent at discerning when somebody is being honest or not, and she seemed fine. For all you women out there, what exactly does this mean? I've never had a girl look down when talking to me; she wasn't looking in other directions from me, only down. I apologized to her and explained that I wasn't my normal self lately, and that if I said/did anything to hurt her I was sincerely sorry and definitely didn't mean it. I also told her during the night that it seemed like I wanted to transfer away from her, but that was just frustration emanating from my troubles during the preceding weeks. I told her she did nothing wrong, and I had made some errors in judgment that led me to get angry, and also that I was told by my lead professor of my program that in fact it wasn't moving to the other campus. It was just a rumor, founded by the removal of the program classes from a newer building on the west part of town. So I told her I probably wouldn't need to transfer.

Later on in the night, she invited the other closing worker and I to the bar afterwards to have a few drinks. It seemed like she was trying to make me jealous of him, even though I know she is out of his league. Maybe she wants to get my attention because she thinks I am done trying to get things rolling. We met some other coworkers there, and she gave me and the other closing worker the most attention, but nothing really more than friendly talk. Since I had an empty stomach, I got ****ty really quick, and before I knew it I really couldn't drive home so he drove me back and she followed. Then the next day at work we were talking about the night before and she said she had fun and was happy I came out, and was concerned about me getting home. The weird thing is, when she told me she might transfer and run the shop on the other side of town, she had known that I would likely end up going there if I transfered. It just seems kind of coincidental, but should I just stick around and wait for her to transfer if she does, so that we won't have any equal opportunity laws getting in our way? It really sucks being so discreet about this whole thing because people will be jealous and try to get us transferred if we see eachother, and I don't want that to happen. I really respect her as my employer; she values the important things and gives credit where credit is due, and she treats me with more respect than any other employer I have had. I also am really attracted to her and this situation leaves me confused as to what to do; I have tried but things haven't worked out the way I want. My main concern is the way she has been acting when I talk to her; I don't know if she is heartbroken because I wanted to transfer, or if she is feeling really emotional now that she knows that I really care about her. I don't want to screw anything up, and I would probably transfer if I knew she wanted to start a relationship if that happened, but I don't want to transfer if this won't happen; it would pretty much defeat the purpose.

[oedipussy]

You're right, this is complicated - I don't really see what you're looking for advice about.

Break it down in a small paragraph - what's the problem in a nutshell?

[dancingdoc2]

It sounds to me like you should plan your work and then work your plan instead of putting the proverbial cart before the horse. In other words, the two of you should sit down and talk and see whether or not there is a mutual interest and that it is sufficient for dating before moving here, there, or back again.

[Andy_Duphresne]

The problem is, I am attracted to a woman that is my superior at work, and equal opportunity laws prohibit a relationship between workers of different levels. I know she cares about me, but things aren't working out because of this hindrance. I have invited her to a baseball game a couple times, but she has things planned; I invited her because it would get the message across that I want to get to know her, but yet at the same time it's not like it would be obvious enough to others, like taking her to dinner or a movie etc. would suggest. I recently got really frustrated, and told her I wanted to transfer to the store on the other side of town because of an issue with my night classes. She saw through it, and knows I am frustrated and seemed very sad that I had wanted to leave because of her. So the next day we worked together, she told me that she "might not be there" soon, because she might transfer to that other store and run it. She specifically mentioned afterwards that she had felt bad for me, but why would she want to transfer to the same store that I would most likely go to if I did end up transfering? The rest of the day I apologized for my sullen attitude that week, and that it seemed like I wanted to leave because of her, but that I would probably rescind my inquiry to transfer. The thing I am concerned with, is every time we talked about something like this that night, she would look down, and not look me in the eyes. She didn't avoid my eyes, she simply looked down, not anywhere but where I was. I have never seen this before; I don't know if she is hurt that I wanted to leave, or just going through emotions because she now knows I really care. I don't know if I should wait until she possibly transfers so that we don't have to worry about the relationship rules, or if I made a big mistake in wanting to transfer and she is really hurt by it

There is a lot more to this; I would prefer you take the 3 minutes to read the whole post, but if you want to just go from this go ahead.

[eminatic]

you should talk to her and be sure that she is in fact interested in you. make sure you are both on the same page.

[Andy_Duphresne]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

It sounds to me like you should plan your work and then work your plan instead of putting the proverbial cart before the horse. In other words, the two of you should sit down and talk and see whether or not there is a mutual interest and that it is sufficient for dating before moving here, there, or back again.

That sounds pretty good. I really like her, and it's not just a simple physical attraction, but I fear that things have gotten pretty precarious concerning both of our possible transfers If we both end up transfering to the same store, that would defeat the purpose of transfering in the first place.

My main concern is what I should read from her eyes; I have never had a woman talk to me in this manner. It would seem that she is either depressed that I would want to transfer because of my frustration, or who knows it could mean anything. I do have a pretty good feeling that she was being sincere, and wasn't just going along with what I said.

[Andy_Duphresne]

Originally Posted by eminatic

you should talk to her and be sure that she is in fact interested in you. make sure you are both on the same page.

I can try, but our shifts don't have much overlap. She works mainly first, and I work mainly second, and we see eachother for less than 10 hours a week normally, and those hours are during the busy times which makes it really hard to get any discussion going. Much less the fact that we have to be discreet, because people typically get jealous about these things at work, especially since we are both pretty attractive etc.

[oedipussy]

I read the other post in its entirety but I couldn't make out what you were asking... That made it a lot clearer.

It seems like you two have gone out of your way to make this harder than it should be. Going out on a date does not imply that there's a relationship between you. And who's gonna know, anyway? Forget about the rules for now - what are you gonna do, go out of your way to find a job somewhere else before you even find out whether you two are compatible and on the same page? Oh wait... I guess you already did that. Stop with the transfers and talk it out.

Her eyes - who knows? It could've been anything. Guilt, sadness, embarrassment, etc. No way you can find out unless you talk to her and tell her how you feel.