First girlfriend, questions...

[Bear]

Hi all,

I'm 22 and I never have been in a relationship before. (Wow this feels just like I would imagine a first time in an AA meeting) I must admit that I'm quite embarrassed and confused about that, and I often feel like I am the only person in the world with this "problem"... basically I'm the kind of guy with whom girls spend the night in the same bed talking to him about their boyfriend problems...

Now I have met a great girl and we've been seeing each other everyday for the last week. While I'm basically happier than ever before in my life, I'm still a walking nerve wreck because I'm afraid that I might "kill it" with any thing I do or say. It just feels like I've been walking on a tightrope for a week now.

My first question is, do I tell her that she is the first girl I've ever gone out with, and if yes, HOW and when?

Any insights, suggestions and prayers are welcome, I'm taking her out to dinner tonight and I just hope I won't mess it up

Cheers
Bear

[Ducy]

are you actually a couple? or are you just talking and stuff....your best bet...make sure its official...and then while you guys are talking happen to bring up relationships and just casually drop in youve never been in an official relationship. pretty straight forward yes but i mean hey either way its coming out.

[Bear]

Thanks for the fast reply... I hope we are. (**having nervous breakdown** ) We briefly kissed the night before as I drove her home and we have our arms around each other most of the time when we hang out with our friends... sorry if I sound clumsy, give me a break I'm new at this

As Ducy expertly picked it out, it's exactly those things that keep me on the verge of going crazy.. I know what I feel, but I have no idea of the conventions/understandings of how a relationship should develop/continue..

Cheers
Bear

[sera300]

If you are 22 I would not tell her point blank, rather if the situation comes up where you are getting more intimate, let her know you are the guy who has all those "women friends", not a real involved deep relationship of romantic interest. Don't tell her you never dated, just elude to the lack of a commitment.

Tight rope? You will be dancing the jig, look to these female friends for back up as to how to be "good"...most of all relax and enjoy. Flowers! You can never go wrong with a nice card or flowers, court her!!!! I'll tell you the same I told my brother the same many years ago--always be respectful, be comfortable, smile a lot, show you care with flowers, always be a gentleman--open a door for her and hold her hand arm when appropriate, listen & be kind, and never take BS from someone & what you do in private is your business, just use protection.

Best of luck!!!!

[Bear]

Thank you so much for your replies, I appreciate it!! I'll keep in mind your suggestions and try not to fall flat on my face.

Anyway, if she is the kind of girl I think / hope she is, she may forgive a little clumsiness

I really appreciate all of your suggestions and who knows, maybe I'll be back for more

Thanks!
Bear

[Ducy]

Sera I like that advice about waiting till you get more intimate and then explain. I say to be straight forward because I was in the doghouse for a while cuz I never told my girlfriend my experiences sexually. (handjob- and it was with my ex 2 years ago) it wasnt that i had gone that far it was just that i waited 6 months to tell her....and she assumed i was totally new at this like she was....(i figured bears friend gf what have you would expect him to be experienced since hes 22)

[cjb1981]

The one piece of advise that i can give you, as a person who, a year ago, was close to being in the same boat as you are now, is don't lie about your lack of sexual experience. I made the worst mistake when I lied to a woman about my sexual history. She had been with 10 guys before me, so I padded the number of my sexual partners a bit ( by no means had I been with 10 women). I ended up telling her the truth, and she was pissed, but we worked things out. My point is, the time may come when she ask you "So, how many girls have you been with?" If that time does come, don't lie about it. I know that it will be embarrassing to tell a girl that you're a virgin at the age of 22 (I only assume you are), but you will have to come clean about that. But do wait until she ask or you think that sex may happen soon.

[CliMBinG GuY]

hey bear, you are not alone here... i am 21 and i have never been in a relationship, absolutedly no sexual experince, never kissed, no dating, dont even have any female friends really... i think you all get the picture here... i know exactly how you feel, i felt i was the only person in this situation as well. i know it sounds absoluately stupid, but i actually have a phobia of women, dating, and the whole shebang. anyways, i agree that you should not lie about your circumstances to anybody, but just because you dont lie doesnt mean you need to reveal every little detail about it. best of luck to you bear

[Bear]

Thanks so much for the encouraging and honest words, I sincerely appreciate it!!!

Things are going great with us and I don't think me being a virgin will be as big a problem as I was afraid it might be.

To Sera/Ducy: I'll try to follow both your suggestions ;-) We are becoming more comfortable with each other by the minute and once the topic comes up, I don't even think I'll be that embarrassed to tell her about my so-far glorious lovelife...

And Sera: Thanks again for the advice, the flowers really seemed to make her day and we went on to have a great evening together (It seems I was the first guy who ever bought her flowers... thanks!)

To CJB: Thanks for the kind advice, I won't lie to her. Glad everything worked out alright for you in the end!

To ClimbingGuy: Thanks for letting me know! I appreciate you telling me, and I wish I could give back something more than simply wishing you all the best for the future... keep it up, I thought I was a hopeless case, so if it can work out for me, I'm sure it will for you!!

All the best
Bear

[cjb1981]

ClimbingGuy: I don't know where you are in the world, but I'd be willing to bet that there are online dating services where you are. It's a great way to get into contact with women without anything to really worry about. You can move at your own pace.