Ex Boyfriend's Best Friend

[andreaxjean]

So there's this guy I dated for about six months last year. He was great and all, but too clingy. Do you know what I mean? I couldn't handle the affection he was giving me so I called it off. He was upset, as was I because I really liked him. I just needed breathing space and he knew it. I had told him repeatedly that I just wanted to cool it with the lovey dovey stuff for a little bit. Anyway.. It wasn't a messy break up or anything. He was very understanding.

A couple weeks to a month later, I found out he had a new girlfriend. I didn't think it bothered me until I found out who it was. It turned out to be a girl that he used to complain about saying "She's so annoying. She constantly bothers me." This girl is also a friend of one of my best friends... She's besides the point. (I have a feeling this is going to be a long post)

So time goes on and I start dating other guys. I don't care that my ex got over me so fast though he claimed while we were together that he was madly in love with me. I just find it quite ironic. One of his best friends, whom I actually knew before I knew my ex, and I started talking and becoming better friends (this was maybe 5 months or so ago). We started hanging out and going to movies. He's a really big video game nerd and he's one of those guys that are ridiculously good at Guitar Hero, so we'd play that a lot when we hung out at either his place or mine (I'm relatively good for a girl). I don't know how it happened, but one night I invited him to come over and drink with me and watch a movie. He accepted my invitation and showed up around 10:30 PM or 11. We watched the movie (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. great movie) and then just played with our laptops a bit until I decided myself that I was exhausted and wanted to turn the lights out and lay down.. Ok, I told you that we were drinking so obviously I wasn't going to let him drive home. The plan was that he was going to sleep over anyway. So I turned the lights out and we layed down and just talked in the dark and laughed like friends laugh. I really only thought of him as a friend at this point. I had no idea anything was going to happen... Then after things got quiet, he came up closer behind me and put his arm around me. He was obviously nervous. His hand was hovering on my hip right next to my hand. I knew he wanted to grab it so I just kind of tickled his hand with my pinky finger then he finally put his hand on mine... Then his hand slowly went past my hand to the drawstring of my pajama pants. (This is what I find amusing. He put his hand down my pants before he even kissed me. I don't care though, I liked it.) So things started heating up.. Needless to say, that was the first time we had sex.

We talked the next day and I asked him why he didn't tell me that he likes me. He said, "I thought you could tell, but I really didn't think you cared." That made me feel bad. The thing is, I COULDN'T TELL!!.. I'm really oblivious to those sorts of things, really.

So we started being more intimate towards each other within the next week constantly kissing and he came over another night and we had amazing sex (again!). He forgot his cell phone at my house that night so he stopped by the next morning, before I left for my first class, to pick it up. He came over two hours before I had to leave so we cuddled in my bed for a while and kissed and I teased him half to death by nibbling on his sweet spot . After that is when things started to get messy..

FIRST.. I get this message on AIM from his crazy ex girlfriend saying that they're trying to get back together and I'm getting in the way. I got really upset and sent him the message that she sent me through an email (I didn't respond to her because I didn't know what to say). He told me not to listen to her and that she was crazy and they're not getting back together RIGHT NOW.. key words.. especially if she does stupid things like that. I messaged him back saying "Not right now? So you were thinking about it?".. He didn't really give me a clear response to that and I didn't ask any further questions. {{I forgot to mention that this ex girlfriend of his and him have broken up and gotten back together numerous times, though they've been apart for a handful of months now}}..... So we talked last night and I kind of just forgot about it.. We made plans for me to spend the night with him on Sunday (his birthday) and that was that.

NEXT... I get a phone call from my best friend of 8 years this afternoon saying "So-and-so just called me asking me all sorts of questions about you and him. I told him I didn't want to get into it and if he wanted to know anything to contact you." This So-and-so is another one of his best friends.. Not my ex.. though I'm getting to him. I got worried because if his best friend does find out about us without him being told directly by both of us, he'll be really upset and it'll be all my fault.. So I called my guy on his cell phone while he was at work saying "I just got a call from my best friend and she said that so-and-so was asking her all sorts of questions about us but I have no idea how he would have found out anything."..... He called me back within two hours and said that HE got a phone call from MY EX (his best friend) this morning and he was asking him questions. He told him that he heard from his girlfriend who heard from another one of my friends and I just slapped my head. Sometimes I forget about how small the world is... So my friend that told his girlfriend is one of my best friends who lives down the street from me. I forgot that this friend of mine is friends with my ex's girlfriend.. She had asked me maybe two days ago in friendly conversation, "So who are you dating these days." I told her that the guy that I was dating for about 5 months from last school year throughout the summer and I had stopped seeing each other about 2 months ago.. and that this new guy (my ex's best friend) and I had been seeing each other and hanging out and that I really like him. BIG MISTAKE.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really want to be with this guy. I desperately want to be in a relationship. That guy that I was dating was a jerk and I was basically just a sex toy to him... I don't know if I'm really asking for advice with this. I think I'm just telling a story of how bad it is to get involved with your ex's best friend. Grrr.

[dancingdoc2]

Your story is exactly why you should not be with him or anybody else. All of you are young, inexperienced, learning about life and your places in it and when you date exclusively it leads to all this drama, and heartache.

Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Exclusivity should be the province of a time and place when you are ready to settle down and get married. In the meantime, date lots of people in order to learn what humanity has to offer. This IS the purpose of dating. You can still have make out sessions, yet your dates will include more than one individual, and you will be exposed to lots of variety, plus learning about all the characters, likes, dislikes, goals, morals, religious values, quirks, etc., that will help you determine what sort of person you will ultimately choose as Mr. Right.

My recommendation is to date him if you want, not exclusively, and let him know that both of you are free to date others. A better suggestion, is to date someone else (or others) outside this circle of acquaintances and move on to people a bit more grown up.

You can have the "involvement" with a person without being tied to him exclusively. Think of a "relationship" as an emotional connection and the more connections you have the more variety you will enjoy. It's the control, reliance, you belong to me, sorts of things that bring turmoil to young peoples' lives. You cannot rely upon someone else to bring happiness to you. Focus on developing friendships with others and out of these, developing a few close friends, and then one or two intimate friends. In a few years of exposure dating lots of others, you can begin to zero in on finding "the one". It is then that exclusivity is appropriate.

[andreaxjean]

That's exactly what I have been doing.. Trying to date other people. He was one of the other people I was trying to date. I'm also trying to see that jerk that I was dating for those five months (though it wasn't considered a steady relationship) and another guy that I was involved with a while ago and we recently decided to give it another try.

What I want desperately right now is a relationship. I've kept my options open for so long and now that I've found something new and exciting that I reallllllly like, I want to keep it.

[dancingdoc2]

> now that I've found something new and exciting that I reallllllly like, I want to keep it.

You can. Friends tend to remain friends and interact with us to one degree or another based upon a mutual admiration for a very long time. We remain friends with a desire to interact with each other because of this. This being the case, why have exclusivity as part of the mix. This "ownership" of a relationship is what gets people into trouble with all the angst, heartache, heartbreak, and, drama that can so easily be avoided.

You can have all that is exciting in a friendship with one individual and it can be ongoing and long lasting simply because of the desire of the parties involved to make and keep the connection(s) going with all that it entails--minus the ownership. I believe it is this type of relationship you should work on having.

[andreaxjean]

I don't know.. This guy and me were more of acquaintances than friends before we started hanging out. He too wants a relationship, though I'm not sure if it's with me. He did tell me that he wants to continue seeing me in the manor that we have been seeing each other. He's very affectionate towards me just as I am to him. I think it could be the real deal.