long term relationship, but...there's another man!! arghhh! :/

[uncreativename]

Hey, I've been in a long term relationship for perhaps 3 and a half years or so and everything's been great. we've properly learnt about ourselves and sex and have a good sex life...and for some time i thought i'd like to be with him forever..he still believes this, yet i've got a problem..recently i met someone he knows and found myself falling for him. i really love my bf and am scared about losing him as he's my first boyfriend who i've experienced everything with but how do you know when you should drop someone for someone else without making the hugest mistake of your life??
i'm about to start uni so it might be that i meet someone at uni instead..however...i really can't stop thinking about this new guy...

also, i know that he's been with lots and lots of girls... i'm worried firstly that i'm making a mistake if i break up with my long term boyfriend...and secondly, knowing this guys sexual history..it makes me nervous that he's just a sex-freak and he'll compare me (if we got to that stage) to everyone else. to be honest i'm a little nervous of persuing him now. i'm just paranoid that he'd think i was crap in bed or something!!!(just for the record - i know this new guy finds me attractive but he knows im in a relationship).

is there anything i can do?? im just SO confused and it's really getting me down.

thanks so much
uncreativename xxx

[sera300]

First, I doubt you and your current bf will make it through your College years. Many split by Thanksgiving holiday since they find a new world out there.

Regardless, if you wish to see the other guy, you owe your bf a good bye first. Generally, I have found get to know a person first & you probably will not date them (be their friend) since they appear more attractive at first & upon knowing them better they are not worthy of your time as a bf or date.

Either way, I do think you should just cut him loose and live your lives...date many & no one exclusively.

[dancingdoc2]

"Dear Sera" offers sage advice.

> how do you know when you should drop someone for someone else without making the hugest mistake of your life?

By dating lots of people in order to learn what humanity has to offer you. By dating lots of people you learn about the myriad of characters, likes, dislikes, quirks, morals, religious values, goals, ideals, interests, etc., of a lot of people. By dating a lot of people we are better able to zero in on Mr./Ms. Right when the time comes to settle down.

All too often young people operate under the misconception that dating begins and ends with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Would you go shopping using this same strategy?

> i'm worried firstly that i'm making a mistake if i break up with my long term boyfriend...and secondly, knowing this guys sexual history..it makes me nervous that he's just a sex-freak and he'll compare me (if we got to that stage) to everyone else.

By dating lots of people over the years, you will lessen the chance of a "mistake". Exclusivity in a relationship should wait until you are ready to settle down. In the meantime date lots of people--one or two at the same time, even.

"Compare"? Everybody does that. So what? It is only a problem if it gets in the way, otherwise, just know that you came out the winner because he is with you, now, and not someone else, and that is what counts.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry but I do not see the problem here. You aren't married to anyone. You could tell your boyfriend or not. This is "sowing your wild oats" time, hun. But now you know: simultaneously date as many people as you can talk into it.
I'd say date them both!

[JuneMoon]

Well, it doesnt matter what age or how long you have been in a serious relationship. Temptation and infatuation will follow everywhere you go even if you are crazy about your partner. I see your responses as very normal and certainly not a reason to dump your man. Unless, of course, if you WANT to. But if you are truly serious about your man, then you have to work through life's little temptations such as this. Because it won't be the first or last time you will come across a stunning person that makes your heart flutter. It's normal and healthy.

[browneyedgirl]

Trust your gut. Don't stay in a relationship just because you've been in it for a long time. Don't rush out of a relationship just because someone else might be interested in you. So you know the other guy finds you attractive? So what? That doesn't mean he wants to go out with you. You don't really sound like you want to stay with your boyfriend anyway. Why are you with him? Is it just out of habit and because you're pretty compatible, or do you actually love him, have a lot in common, have a great sex life, still have so much fun with each other? In general, the fact that you are asking this makes it seem like you aren't that into your bf, so for his sake and yours you should leave. You also don't sound like you particularly think you should go out with "the other man." This sounds like lust more than anything. Only you can decide what's important to you here.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Hence my advice to date them both.
See what is what.

[cjb1981]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Hence my advice to date them both.
See what is what.

Without telling the first guy? She gets an std from the new guy and gives it to the old guy? Condoms don't stop all std's, if you start dating the new guy that you're interested in, fine. But you would owe it to the man you're already sleeping with to at least tell him that you're sleeping with another person. Leave it up to him to decide if he wants to continue the relationship.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by cjb1981

Without telling the first guy? She gets an std from the new guy and gives it to the old guy? Condoms don't stop all std's, if you start dating the new guy that you're interested in, fine. But you would owe it to the man you're already sleeping with to at least tell him that you're sleeping with another person. Leave it up to him to decide if he wants to continue the relationship.

Dating does not equate with sleeping with all.

[cjb1981]

Originally Posted by sera300

Dating does not equate with sleeping with all.

Very true, I made the assumption that EEK was equating dating with sex. A mistake on my part.