The strangest breakup

[MetropolisMan]

I was holding off for a long time in whether or not to post this question/story, but I really feel I could use some people's opinons on the subject.

The Background:
About 3 weeks ago my girlfriend and I broke up over the phone while I was on vacation (the second to the last day of my trip to be exact). The break up happened because the four weeks prior to my vacation I had been working extremely long weeks and still trying to go to the gym, do the band thing, and hang out with her. But during the weekend she had my full time attention. Needless to say it was a very emotional break up with lots of tears and "I'm sorry's" from her. When I got back to town she had left for her own week long vacation and I had decided to call her and tell her I wanted to work things out when she got back, my schedule would be changing and I would have a ton more time with her etc. etc.

Anyway the day comes when she returns and she is just completely cold to me when we meet in person to talk and exchange our stuff, it really really sucks. I then hear from my sister-in-law (who works with her) that was saying stuff like "It upset me because it was like he was asking me to break up with him again." I found this to be a little cruel but this didn't really stop me. I went through all the horrible emotions and my family really helped me out. However, about a week later I e-mailed her because she still had a pair of my expensive boxers and I had her SNES adapter. Furthermore, I tried to subtly get at why she was so put off by me. After recieving my e-mail she apparently went nuts. She said things like "He said he wouldn't act like a stalker but he is starting to do that." (this is the one and only time I contacted her since we met in person and it was mainly over our posessions) "Does he want me to go off on him? Because I will!" (We broke up over scheduling conflicts not because we didn't like each other, she even said she still "loved" me when we last met) and my favorite: "I will not be friends with him for years...if ever!" (WTF?!?).

My question is: has anyone ever experienced this? where two people broke up with someone over something abstract and nothing that had to do with disliking each other and then one person act like they hate the others guts and say nasty things about them? I mean, this is killing me because I have never said one bad thing about her and, in fact, only learned about this stuff because my brother felt horrible that I was going on about what a good and wonderful person she is and that I hope she can truly be happy soon and knowing how she felt about me. Is this some kind of defense thing that she is pulling? Does she really mean the things she is saying? (not that I expect you to know the answer for this particular situation) but if anything similar has happened to you and you have any advice for me, please let me know because this is driving me insane.

[Brandye]

Break-ups bring out the worst in all people. I am certain that there are many stories represented here that would curl your toes. A clean break with no lingering contact is the best policy. With no subsequent contact, there is no reason to continue the upset and a distant friendship can grow. Any contact reopens whatever wounds (or guilt) that exists. Time and time, alone, will heal.

[MetropolisMan]

Thank you, I think that is really what I needed to hear.

[sera300]

People become angry during a breakup and say things they may not (or may) mean. She is angry about your schedules & apparently needs someone who is around more. Forget it, remember the good times. AND this is pretty mild compared to other breakups. Move on, leave her alone, sever contact since you both do not seem prepared to handle it (contact).

[oedipussy]

OK, you're telling us what she says to other people, but what does she say to YOU? This is all just hearsay and there's really no way of knowing if it's true or not... But if it is:

Is she criminally insane by any chance? Either that or this was her first break-up and she doesn't know how to handle it. This is her problem, not your's. I've broken up with girls that completely despised me and they were still a lot more cordial to me afterwards than that... If you want her back (can't really tell if that's the case from your post), screw worrying about "acting like a stalker". A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. At least you'll start hearing this stuff straight from her mouth rather than it getting past down to you by family members...

As far as being friends with exes, my position has always been NO WAY, it's just not worth it. But apparently some people can handle it...

[andreaxjean]

I don't mean to sound like the bad person here, but it sounds like she was having an affair with someone else and she felt guilty about it and the only way she could handle it was by getting angry with you for trying to be friendly with her because it was making her feel even MORE guilty... That's just my opinion. Who knows.

[No1Norcaltom]

Relationships can be like a major purchase in your life, like buying a car or a house. We all go through this when we get involved with someone we think will be in our lives for a long time. It's an investment of time, nurturing each other, and of course the material and monitery investments. Not to mention the evolving we go through when we meet someone new, because we all are so different. Just back off her a little, give her some breathing room, and if you two ever really shared some great times together, in a short time she'll start missing you again so long as you don't disrespect her space. Now for myself, when I love , I love so deeply that I get a lot of gradification from all the little, and not so little things that I do for my lover, like cooking a nice dinner, rubbing her feet, or giving her a massage when she gets off work, or go to her house while she's at work and do her lawn care, and clean up or maintenance on her place, or washing her car before she goes to work. It makes me feel good because I know I've just lifted a burden off her, and so she has less stress. But I soon realized, that I was candy coating my own little world thinking by what I was doing I thought she would love me all the more, or maybe she would put more time aside to spend with me, but that was my bad. Once I realized that I was placing expectation wrongly on her time and comfort zone, doing the things I was doing, I backed off and she started wanting and needing me around more often. Just remember they have their own agenda, and you are a part of it so long as your not demanding of their space. Sure she dug what ever I'd do, but when it comes down to how a woman places value in a relationship and how a man does are totally different. I soon learn when to stay away, and just how long I could stay away to make her really miss me :-) She's still a very good friend but I moved on. I like being around people more than she did. Oh well, I guess I'm still looking for the "one". We were both Leo's, and that didn't help.
Good luck, I hope this helped to ease the pain.

[oedipussy]

Originally Posted by No1Norcaltom

...or go to her house while she's at work and do her lawn care, and clean up or maintenance on her place, or washing her car before she goes to work.

Were you her boyfriend or just her gardener?

[MetropolisMan]

Hey guys, thanks for all the help and advice. The fact was this was eating me up inside, so much so I needed some sense of closure by asking her the final questions. I called her we talked. I asked what i needed to ask (not without a little rambling here and there). But I hung up feeling better. She said this is what she wanted and even though I probably deserved a second chance, she couldn't give me one. That's fine. Whatever. I personally feel better. I finally feel like I might be able to start healing from her revealing her true feelings to me instead of holding on to hope that we might get back together. Anyway, thanks for all the help.

[No1Norcaltom]

Yeah, sometimes I felt like that, but we dated for three years. As time went by she opened up more, and revealed she had issues, from when she was growing up that still haunt her today. But she also had a Hormone imbalance. I truly gave the relationship all I could, and was as patient as the pope and took a lot of verbal abuse from her. I thought we would be able to work through her issues, and we did to some degree. I just think that she was not loved right as a child, and thats haunted her all her life. It's too bad, because she is such a wonderful woman most of the time, but for the times she's not, man noone deserves to be treated the way she can be for no reason. I mean a true case of Jekal & Hyde. I will always love and care for her. Just can't live with her. And I want someone I can grow old with, not live with only two weeks out of the month. Anyway, I'm getting way more in to this than I wanted to. Thanks for the Post.