He doesn't trust me anymore - Please Help!!!

[LizzyD]

ok i am having a problom with my boyfriend... we have been dating for a year now and we love each other... well about 6 months ago i got real mad at him and i pretended to like this other guy well it was cheating... i didnt do anything with the kid i just pretended to like him... that only happened for a week and i NEVER did it again... well my boyfriend foung out. now we fight alot and he doesnt trust me with anything... i am trying to show him and tell him that he can trust me and idk what to do now... we dont want to break up cause we love each other sooo much... he said that he doesnt want to change... i feel like he doesnt want to make the relationship beter... and he doesnt really want to talk about it... i dont want things to get worse i just want them to get better... thats all... im trying so hard... PLEASE CAN YOU HELP ME!!!!?

[sera300]

Both of you need to mature. He needs to "get over it", does he know what cheating is? Do you? And you, making him jealous intentionally demonstrates lack of maturity.

What to do? date others. It's not up to you to fix his insecurity and it's not his place to act so childish to you.

[LizzyD]

ok well we dont want to break up and we love each other ok.... ok well i learned a huge lesson on the whole cheating thing and i dont do that stupid stuff anymore and i need help on what to do to fix this relationship. how do i get him to trust me again????

[sera300]

You cannot make someone see you love them. This is his insecurity, you cannot prove anything to him; trust goes a long way and without it you really have nothing. Stop trying, let him come around and ignore the urge to argue. Let him know you did something "foolish" (do not belabor the point) s 6 months ago, in a way he is holding you as an emotional hostage. Lay it on the line with him; either he gives you the trust you deserve or you are out of there. We all makes mistakes, stop calling it cheating (you did not "do" this guy). Part of loving someone is forgiveness...never beg. He either gives it and moves forward in your relationship or you walk. Never to be spoken of again.

[LizzyD]

i think he knows hat i just feel that he just doesnt want to do it... i am sooo attached to him and its just hard to let go like that i want him to trust me... i mean i want to talk to him about it... like really sit down and talk about it but he doesnt want to do that... should we sit down and talk about it???

[sera300]

Sit and talk about it without arguing, tell him it's either trust & love or nothing. Good luck!!!

[LizzyD]

oh my gosh!!! thank you sooo much for helping me... i will let you know asap on what happens thanks

[dancingdoc2]

Sera has given you sage advise.

While your actions were irresponsible, the acting out is not technically "cheating", this is tied to actually being married.

One point that Sera made is about re-establishing trust. I'd like to add that trust is earned. In order to gain it back, you have to live your life as an open book. How long will it take? It will take as long as it takes. His attitude is contributing to the problem. Now, having said that, if the situation was reversed, you would not be over it no matter how many and how sincere his apologies until you know and are convinced "that he gets it", what he did and how it affected you.

[LizzyD]

i understand about getting his trust back.... i am trying not to do anything wrong.. i tell him everything i do everywhere i go and stuff like that... so is this the write thing to do????

[sera300]

Doc is correct you earn someones trust & respect BUT he has to be willing to give it. It sounds as if he is not willing to; this is where you need to put your foot down & say; "yes, I screwed up, I acknowledge that but I have been forthright with you since (for the past 6 months)". If he cannot, you cannot force him to "trust". Accounting for each & every moment of your day? That's a controlling behavior on his behalf. As it's said; say what you mean & mean what you say. If you are truthful & he cannot accept that; rather chooses to dwell on a past irrelevant "event", you cannot make him move forward. Without moving forward and forgiving one's "bad" actions demonstrates his insecurities & immaturity.

Being an open book means you live your life with nothing to hide from him NOT by accounting for every second of your day with a detailed blow by blow description of where you were & what you did.

As I said; trust is earned BUT he must be willing to extend it to you, if not you have no real basis for a relationship with him. You will just spend the remainder of your life trying to "prove" something which is unrealistic for any human being to live by.

Sit & talk to him; begin your relationship with a clean slate starting today.