she lied but can i confront her?

[purple haze]

my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 months now and everything has been going amazing. we get a long better than anyone can imagine and have a very happy relationship. in my past relationships i've had girl's exs come back into the picture only to ruin things, so i've always been bothered when girlfriends are close to their exs. she went out with her ex for 2 years and broke up in march of this year with him. they talk a lot and this always bothered me because from previous conversations i got the feeling she might still have feelings for him. this was bothering me last week so having the relationship we have we had a discussion about it. she assured me nothing could ever happen again between them, they don't talk everyday like it seemed and they're not planning on hanging out anytime soon. well last night two nights i've been looking at her phone and both times texts from her ex came up while i was holding the phone, i wasn't fishing for anything. this got me curious and being the male ****bag i am next time i had her phone i looked in her texts the next day. of course there were a bunch of texts from her ex that day. apparently they've been trying to make plans but can't hang out cause he had work. there was also a sent text asking if she could call him and we never talk on the phone. to me this is kind of devastating because she pretty much lied to me about the whole conversation we had. now what do i do? i can't tell her i was snooping around on her phone and found out she was lying. should i just keep my mouth shut and keep a close look? we hang out everyday from around 6:30pm to 3 in the morning and it's been like that for a while. we've looking to move in with each other soon and as crazy as it sounds we're talking marriage. so am i crazy to even be worried about the ex? but if it wasn't a big deal then why did she lie to me? i'm just very worried because i've invested a lot into this so far and i really do love her even though it's only been 4 months. i'm afraid i will have my heart broken again when another ex comes crawling back. what should i do or am i just being crazy?

[sera300]

You looked and found something you did not want to see, you have no idea what her intentions were when she sees him.

Given this is a new relationship and she ended it with the ex in March of this year; you are rushing sharing a residence & a life. It's bad news. Marriage? Nope. Neither are ready since A) you do not trust her completely and B) she is just out of a relationship. When you date someone seriously, it's important to see if you share similar beliefs regarding lifestyles and what you would want/expect in a marriage but it should only be a theoretical discussion to see where your values, ethics, and priorities are and if they align. Do you want the same things from life, how do you handle conflict, how do you handle finances, etc.

No way on moving in, it's a big mistake this early since most likely you are the rebound guy. She ended a 2 year relationship in March and began dating you in April; sorry not enough time for her to get her head on straight. Wait a year (people stay on "good behavior" for a year or two) and then reconsider where you are in a relationship. You are setting yourself up to have your heart broken again; you only give your heart judiciously and when someone has a proven track record with you. Bad choices right now.

[purple haze]

marriage isn't something we're talking about in the immediate future just something we'd eventually like to do. i guess i don't completely trust her but i'm more worried about her ex than her. we want the same things in life and are honestly a perfect match, we have a connection and go really good together. but you're right, thanks for your advice.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sera's quite right.

No, you cannot confront her - why not? - because you were SNOOPING and THAT will trump everything else in her mind.

BTW if you cannot trust her - why are you still with her?
Either get over it or move on.

[Pillarmerech]

Relationships are a very tricky thing. You dont want to admit to snooping, but at the same time you want to know if she's in the right or not. Its really up to you to decide whether or not it's more important to you to find out or keep your secret.

As for moving in and marriage? Those are big steps that shouldn't be rushed into. Maybe you should give it some time, get to know each other better, and when you finally both trust each other enough, then move in. And marriage is just not even close to what you two should be talking about right now, more like your relationship and trust.

[oedipussy]

Oh man... I feel sorry for you. She broke up with her boyfriend of two years a month before she got together with you? Not a good sign of where things are headed. Even though they may have broken up, it takes a lot more time than a month for a relationship like that to truly be over. As for whether she still has feelings for him, my guess is that she does - and you're probably going to lose here because they have so much history together. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like you were the "trial boyfriend" - essentially, she's just using you. You have every right to be suspicious - the sad truth is that these two are trying to rekindle what they had.

Obviously I can't tell you what to do or how to feel, but my advice is to forget about her - This thing is doomed... Get those notions of moving in together and marriage out of your head, and demote her from your girlfriend to someone you're just casually dating. The only way I see this relationship working out is if you end it, 'cause the grass is always going to be greener to her on the other side. It's only been 4 months, anyway, so no big loss. This girl needs some time alone to figure things out. Tell her how you feel and why, and to let you know if and when she gets her head straight and figures out what she wants. Cutting her loose and giving her time and space is really the only way for you to know if she truly wants to be with you.

[Suki2007]

I don't think that just because she's talking to him still means that they are trying to rekindle what they had. A lot of ppl try to be and still are friends after they get out of those long-ish relationships. You need to do some serious talking with her - don't have to bring up the whole thing about seeing her texts (which was a REAL big NO NO BTW), but tell her how you feel about her relationship with her ex.

All that said, it IS waaayy too early for you to be thinking about a life with her. She is still dealing with her break up and it has only been 4 mos, after all.