Confused BF - cold feet?

[FoxyLady]

Ok me and my bf a total nerd and nervous guy lol have been going out for nearly 5 months (5th month mark the 30th.), and me and him have no major problems, or major arguements yet. Maybe a minor one about me buying him a bus pass, but let me get down to the story.

Apparently his best friend's I'll call her J, friend likes my boyfriend, as in wanting to go out with him but he has a girlfriend type of like. So my boyfriend calls me Saturday night, and me and him talked and he tells me about the situation. But heres the deal, he said that he doesn't know what to do. So Im thinking "Do you mean as in how to tell her that your not interested?" and he said no should he go out with her or not. So yeah it shocked me that he said such a thing, when he claims that he cares for me a lot, and loves me dearly telling me that everyday along with showering me with praises.

So Im like "what?" he said that the girl is nice, and a sweetheart. I asked him how he felt about me, and he says that Im intelligent, beautiful and georgeous and thinks that Im wasting my time on him because Im 19 and he's 23. He tells me sometimes I should of gone out and dated more instead of tieing myself down to one person. He's so damn insecure or something. So then he's asking me for advice on how to deal with this situation he's never been in. I tell him how I felt, tell the chick to step off, and that I don't really know. (bad thing to say when you really do care). Then he tells me that he needs some time to think.

So Im mostly depressed for a day or two, because my boyfriend wants to pursue another chick because he likes her, and thats not good if he says that he loves me and wants to be with me, but like what about her? Wtf?! Last time I checked he wasnt into poligamy(sp?) So just on Tuesday he calls and says that he just wants to be friends with the girl, nothing more because he's in a relationship and wants to honor that. And then he says the strangest thing when he asked if it would be ok, if he can be friends with her. My response was I don't mind, because Im not going to be a bitch and not allow him to have some female friends. I mean I got guy friends too ya know, then he said that the decision was tough and the temptation is strong. He said that whenever he's single, he could never get a chick's number and longed for a relationship, and now that he's in one he feels strange like he's getting cold feet.

I need to talk to him further about his actions and whats ticking in his head. He's certainly not a player, or the ladies man. He's a simple average guy, that likes to play games, read manga, hangs at home where its comfy. Im seeing him this Friday. How should I approach this delicately? Or evaluate this situation please. I can't keep worrying everytime some chick starts to like him, and he gets all nervous and confused about what to do. He's a sweetheart and I don't want to end the relationship just like that, when he says he cares alot about me and loves me.

[sera300]

I would (both of you) consider dating other people at this time without an exclusive relationship. At least he was honest with you in regards to his feelings. However, this incident and him saying you needed to date others before getting involved (with him); it's wise to date many and see where life takes you. If you are meant to work out then it will happen.

[FoxyLady]

Then I guess I will probably fall hard again. Im just not into dating different guys, nor want to force myself to do something against my own will. Thank you for taking your time to read over my problem.

[ItalStall]

Sera gives good advice ... also, you should ask yourself whether you would really want to be in a relationship with anyone so tactless and unfeeling as he is, using "possibly dating another girl" in a conversation as a way to break up with you.

BTW ... people who care about you and love you, don't treat you like that!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Polyamory - loving many. Polygamy - more than one woman. Polyandry - more than one man. And it is NOT "me and my bf" it if "My bf and I" You're welcome.

Now then, to your question. YES it is not only okay to date other people, in your age bracket, it should be mandatory to date many. (Whether or not you enjoy sex with them is your business. The two are NOT synonymous.) Why? Because you are not quite there yet as an adult and the more people you know, the more people you talk with, the more social networking and interacting you do - the better your life will be.

BTW he's not the insecure one - you are - you sought reassurance from him as to his regard for you when he told you about this other girl. He's doing what he should be - see above. Wrap your mind around the concept that it is NOT "cheating" until you're married to him. And maybe not even then if both parties agree.

"Against your will."??!!?!?! You DON'T like meeting people? Jeez, girl, we're not telling you f**k the 5th Fleet here!

[oedipussy]

Sorry, but if the man really wanted to be with you he wouldn't even be considering pursuing another woman. It sounds to me like he's just not interested in you and doesn't have the guts to say it. I can't really say, but I imagine you're going to get hurt a hell of a lot more if you continue on with this relationship with him...

It's not cheating until you're married? Pfft... Give me a break. Obviously you're entitled to your beliefs, EEK, but don't try to force them onto others. Polyamory might be fine for you, but you're in an extreme minority. Generally, for the other 99% of the population, when two people are in an exclusive relationship, anything that happens outside of that can be considered cheating. If this girl thinks what he's doing is cheating, then it's cheating. No debate needed.

[browneyedgirl]

Originally Posted by oedipussy

Sorry, but if the man really wanted to be with you he wouldn't even be considering pursuing another woman. It sounds to me like he's just not interested in you and doesn't have the guts to tell you. I can't really say, but I imagine you're going to get hurt a hell of a lot more if you continue on with this relationship with him...

It's not cheating until you're married? Pfft... Give me a break. Obviously you're entitled to your beliefs, EEK, but don't try to force them onto others. Polyamory might be fine for you, but you're in an extreme minority. Generally, for the other 99% of the population, when two people are in an exclusive relationship, anything that happens outside of that can be considered cheating. If this girl thinks what he's doing is cheating, then it's cheating. No debate needed.

I agree 100% on both fronts. It is only polyamory if you both decide it is, have set your boundaries, and can discuss it openly. If you haven't discussed it fully and aren't both OK with it, yes it is cheating. Just because you're not married doesn't mean it is OK to be an insensitive jerk. If it's OK with you both, then that's wonderful.

In this case, the guy obviously doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't care about you enough to know whether he wants to be in a relationship. Don't waste your time with a guy who takes the first offer he gets to leave the relationship. Don't try to make it work, he's revealed his true colors.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I disagree - if he was an insensitive jerk he would have just dated the other girl and said nothing to her and when she found out, just blown her off. Now that's being insensitive. Instead this fellow TALKED with her about it and in effect ASKED HER PERMISSION to see this other girl. Did that little nuance escape your attention? She then went into 'delayed meltdown' mode, asked for reassurance from him and then yes, okay. As it turns out she still has her bf, he has a new friend and his gf. EVERYONE WINS. Now if she followed your advice she'd break up with him, he'd go with the new girl. They'd win; she'd lose. Yes in the long term this relationship may not last. But that is NOT the question she asked. If she does not want a polyamorous man - that's another issue.

He behaved as a responsible poly/swing man should behave toward the lady with whom he has his primary relationship.

Just as you can truly love more than one child, so to can you truly love more than one man. And oedipussy the latest stat is 5% of the population practices some form of swinging or polyamory.

[oedipussy]

Well, I can see your point, but she said in her first post that she wasn't interested in polyamory... It doesn't really matter if he did the right thing by asking her as it isn't the kind of relationship that she wants.

As far as everyone winning goes, NO. Everyone in this story is just settling for what they have...

[browneyedgirl]

If he were actually serious about polyamory, he could bring it up to her and say that he was interested in dating both of them. He never said that - he told her he thought she was wasting her time and that he liked the other girl. He could then proceed to explain how the situation would work, talk to the other girl about it and see if she was into the idea, and they could discuss what dynamic they wanted. It doesn't sound to me like he wanted polyamory, he just nonchalantly told her that he was thinking about going out with another girl, without being man enough to directly tell her that he didn't want to date her. If his intent was to spark her interest in polyamory, then he went about it rather tactlessly.