"Seeing other people" - I'm a little confused....

[Webby]

When i first met my bf, it was last summer. We didn't start officially dating until november last year when he was in university 4 hrs away. Through the year, we got through it, although being that far apart was hard. He moved back home for the summer (Which is where i live due to an abusive lifestyle from my old home) and now the summer's ending. We had a discussion about how we wanted to work things out. He's 18 and im 16. He doesn't want to break up with me but still thinks its unfair to me and him not to have the chance to see other people (As in the other sex). He says that were young and we're not tied down yet. I totally agree with that - and he wants me to have a good time in my last year of high school in a new school with new choices that i wasn't allowed to have in my old lifestyle. I've told him that he's not interfering in my enjoyment even though we are far apart. But we've come upon the agreement that we will still be a couple but if we meet someone and want the chance with that other person that we will give it to eachother. Call me old fashioned but something just doesn't quite settle with me about that I don't know if it's my conscience kicking in but i have strong belifs that if you are in a relationship that you are in it for a reason. And there's no excuses for cheating. I don't think porn, looking or even slight flirting is cheating - i can allow that because i do it as well. But there's something about my morals that just won't let me do it. Can anyone give me any advice on this situation? Am i overreacting or am i onto something? I know my bf has made lots of girl (space) friends over the year he was away and i didn't have a problem with it as i have lots of guy friends. But now i wonder if he was wondering if he ever could have a chance? do other people do this? Im just confused...

[oedipussy]

Understandable. I have to ask why did you agree to it when it obviously isn't what you want?

Can you two really make it through another year of being 4 hours away from each other? If you weren't still in school I'd tell you to move if you wanted the relationship to work out, but it seems like neither one of you are able to do that. Unfortunately, the physical distance between you two is nothing but bad news for the relationship. Another problem here is that you're both at different stages in life. It's really up to you as far as what you should do, but I think it might be worth considering calling it quits on this one.

[Webby]

I'm not too sure why i agreed with it - he jumped this one me one day - i have lots of long-distance relationships and having one more on top of the pile makes no difference to me - i am willing and dedicated to my long distance relationships and i will try my everything to make it work - and i thought he was up for the long run too. i didn't know that this was how he felt until the other day

[Jay Es]

Sorry to be blunt here. But he is cheating on you already. If not he's obviously been thinking about it. It has nothing to do with you, its just that hes an 18 year old guy away from home for the first time "guessing". I would say take a break from eachother and see how it goes. Him telling you that he wants you to see other guys is B.S. - disclaimer - Im no expert, but i am a guy and i too was 18 at one time.

[browneyedgirl]

OK, so you aren't going to be seeing each other much this next year. You haven't been seeing each other much. What physical relationship do you have? If all you get is a couple months in the summer and maybe to see each other every month or every other month, do you really have a "relationship"? I can understand that you like the stability, you like the guy, etc., but if you're separated for most of the year anyway, I don't really get the point. Your relationship is mostly friends who hook up on occasion anyway. Now, you're going to be open to hooking up with/dating other people, as well. So, if that happens, lets see what the situation is going to look like... You won't see each other very often, you will pretty much just be talking on the phone/emailing/IMing,etc., and you will also be hooking up with/dating other people. Where in all of this is he your boyfriend/are you his girlfriend?

If you agree to this situation, which you aren't happy about to begin with, basically he gets to cheat on you as much as he likes, even have another relationship if he likes, and he also has you to fall back on. You can be his friend, his confidante, and he gets to hook up with you, too. Meanwhile, you are jealous about him doing stuff with other girls. Where is the benefit for you? This sounds to me like a very clever way of taking all commitment out of your "relationship" - while still getting to have his cake and eat it too.

Break off this "relationship"! What are you really getting out of it at this point anyway? Emotional support? Great, that's what friends are for. Be his friend. Don't try to be his girlfriend. I think he's right - you both deserve to explore other options. He can't offer you all that you deserve, and you can't offer him what he deserves. He's away at college - that's a time when he should be having fun and experimenting, or at least have a girlfriend he can see often. You too are in high school, a time when you can be experimenting and having fun. Or you can be in a serious relationship, but be in one with someone who is emotionally and physically available. But don't try to salvage your relationship by demoting it. Stay friends, but don't try to be friends with benefits (under the deceptive heading "girlfriend"). That only works when both people really want that to be the situation, and you obviously don't. Good luck, and I hope it works out for you!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stop. Just stop. You are calling these long-distance text fests "relationships" when they are nothing of the sort. You are in them for a reason - yes, because you're too insecure, understandably, to do real relationships at home.
Until such time as you feel comfortable with having a real live mate for life - stop investing time in long-distance guys and actually date others. (Dating does not mean you have to have sex with them.)

BTW at this age, you're going to have many dates - as you should! This is when you practice the social skills you will need later when you're seriously hunting for a husband. Try to wrap your mind around the concept that sex is just play and relationships are founded upon trust and emotional bonds - the two do not necessarily have to be there together.

What your young man was saying - this relationship you two have is a friendship and nothing more. He is trying to "let you down easy". I'd let him go at this point - just let him be a friend and not a "boyfriend".

[Raidenator]

Alright I can tell you from experience because this is what happened with me and my girlfriend just recently.

The sad part is that you just have to let him go. You can't still just see each other and date too, believe me, it's much too hard. Doing that is only gonna hurt your relationship even more. You have to just let him go.

I know it hurts...a lot but it's the best thing for you. The pain will go away soon and it's for the best. If he decides that he wants to stay with you, then he'll come back. Otherwise, it really isn't up to you unless you can stand to have a "sex buddy". As for myself, it would just be too hard.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If she were older, had a greater understanding, and had more experience she would be able to handle this sort of "friends with benefits" relationship. But as it is, she's not ready for that. Besides which, she's a sexual pessimist so I doubt she'll get there.

[Webby]

um well, thanks for the help guys.... I know it's probably not for the best but i am going to talk to him about it - let him know how I really feel about this and see how things go from there. But i've asked friends and they've all said I deserve better. And at times, I think i do... but i wanna give this one last try. And if all fails... well... i suppose I'm back in the single pool again lol

And I'm not sure if u were referring to me, eek, but no im not a sexual pessimest. I just have different views on it - other people may think otherwise but maybe i think otherwise of other people's views - doesn't make me think that they are a sexual pessimest.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry, but according to the definition, yes, you are a sexual pessimist.
Please read: http://www.iep.utm.edu/s/sexualit.htm
Stop confusing appropriate classifications with "name-calling".