Getting Out of "The Friend Zone"

[Sharpshooter]

Hey All. I'm hoping someone with a bit more experience than I have might be able to drop me some insights/advice. Here's my situation.

I met a girl about 3 months ago that I'm really into. For the past 2 months (we didn't see eachother for a few weeks after our first meeting), we've talked almost every day, and have gone out usually once or twice a week. I've been interested in dating her since about the third or fourth time we met.

I've talked to her twice about having a relationship, although, I admit, I'm not that skillful in that department (which will soon be painfully obvious).

The first time I asked her was around our fourth or fifth meeting, and she told me that she was looking more for friends than a boyfriend.

The second time I asked was about two weeks later. She came over to my place. We got drunk, and she ended up spending the night (I was too much of a gentleman to try anything, though). I asked her again, and she told me she has trouble trusting guys, and the idea of having another western boyfriend scared her (she's Chinese). She told me the next day, though, she didn't remember the conversation.

The other day, though, she kind of called me out on my feelings about her. She asked me what I thought about her. Then, she told me that she thought it's best if we just stay friends. She said she thought that I thought the same way - that we were just really good friends, she doesn't have those kind of feelings for me right now, and she wasn't ready to fall in love again. She also said we might be able to get together sometime in the future.

The problem is, I really don't want to give up on her, and if she was being genuine about what she said, I'm not sure that I should.

I know a lot of people will tell me it'd be easiest just tuck my tail between my legs and go, but I'm not looking for an easy way out.

I know it's difficult (but not impossible), and it'll probably take some time, but I'd like to know what I might be able to do to get myself out of her friend zone. I'm hoping there's someone who's gotten out (or any women who've let a friend out) who can give me some advice.

Thanks

[lustforlove]

my advice would be to ease off her for a little while, keep seeing her as a friend for a few more months and see if her feelings change for you. i wouldn't give up to easily instead just let her know your there all the time but not in a kind of stalkery way, just become really good friends and see what happens there.

[oedipussy]

Yeah, I wouldn't listen to those people. No reason why you should give up now...

You just need to keep plugging away at it. As far as getting out of the "friend zone", you need to be upfront about your feelings and what you want from her. Try doing something drastic.

[sera300]

what I have found is if they do not feel for you in a romantic way, it dos not work.

[oedipussy]

Originally Posted by lustforlove

my advice would be to ease off her for a little while, keep seeing her as a friend for a few more months and see if her feelings change for you. i wouldn't give up to easily instead just let her know your there all the time but not in a kind of stalkery way, just become really good friends and see what happens there.

Sorry to disagree, but that's about the last thing you want to do. Becoming really good friends is only going to further cement your status as "just friends". And easing off isn't really going to help you either. It sounds like you two are at the point where you really need to be putting yourself out there. Hell, beat down her door if you have to...

From what he's posted, Sera, it seems like it's not that the feelings aren't there, just that there may be some hesitance to act on them.

[lustforlove]

Originally Posted by oedipussy

Sorry to disagree, but that's about the last thing you want to do. Becoming really good friends is only going to further cement your status as "just friends". And easing off isn't really going to help you either. It sounds like you two are at the point where you really need to be putting yourself out there. Hell, beat down her door if you have to...

From what he's posted, Sera, it seems like it's not that the feelings aren't there, just that there may be some hesitance to act on them.

being a female myself i know that it is a real turn off if you keep pressuring her, if you carry on as friends for a little while longer and then see how she feels it would be a better bet, as time goes by girls start to develope feelings and it is a real turn off if you keep pressuring her.

[oedipussy]

Really? It's always worked for me. Anyway, I'm not saying he should be "pressuring" her, but that it's time for him to get proactive about it and stop pussyfooting around instead of taking a "wait and see" approach...

[lustforlove]

no i think thatmight just scare her off personally

[Sharpshooter]

Oedipussy & Lustforlove - I think you both have valid points. I tend to be really timid when it comes to dealing with women. I had one of my female friends excoriate me for being too much of a gentleman. For all I know, had I been more assertive when the (perceived) opportunity presented itself, I might not be writing this now. As it is, I'm digging myself out of the "friend hole" (which seems to be a more appropriate name to me

However, like Lustforlove said, if I try too hard, I might end up scaring her off, and possibly losing her as a friend, too. I'm not sure that I care much for just dropping the idea until a later date, though, either. I'm afraid she might just think I've given up and would definitely look elsewhere.

I think it's a question of just finding a good balance. Not enough to scare her away, but enough to keep the idea in her mind.

Sera300 - I've been trying to either find or create those opportunities, but lately, it just hasn't happened. I'll be getting together with her this weekend, and she said she'd be willing to come to my place for a drink or two (she said she doesn't want to drink too much this time, though).

This will not even be a week after she called me out, though, which is a little intimidating for me. Hopefully, though, I'll be able to get the signals and make something happen.

[sera300]

Be careful about waiting for something that may not happen. She is sending you mixed messages; perhaps you need to talk to her point blank.

When a woman has an interest in a man they either put themselves out there to say "hey I am into you & available" and send a clear signal of this (without these express words). For those who are shy, they will hang around a guy making themselves open to an "opportunity" for an advance, without any direct statement.

Problem is she IS your friend. She may be into you as her friend and trust you. What can you do? Talk to her and when she kids around about not having a date, ask her "okay, so we are on for a date Sat. evening"? Or when you are hanging out drinking, get a bit close and see if she is receptive or does she move away...if she is receptive, give her a kiss & hug. Then the next day see where it goes...