From Counselor To Girlfriend

[Noekh]

Give or take a few odd days, I'm currently in a relationship. Yeah, another one, can you believe it? I just got out of a relationship with someone about 5 months ago. *Sigh* Here's the story...I just need a little help.

Back in March, I'd been dating this friend of mine I'd known for at least a year and a half online. I was 20, and he was only 19 keep in mind; I, being the internet savvy geek that I am, decided an "online relationship" to start things wouldn't be such a bad idea. It was only a bad idea when we met: I know my sexual tendencies, though sex to me really doesn't matter. That's a brain-buster in and of itself. This guy's name was Ace (names changed because...well, you know why). He had mentioned coming to see me, and I didn't quite understand why he wanted everything so SOON. I was more than willing to wait, but nevertheless, I ended up being dragged to his house for a couple weeks to "meet the family". Oh that was NOT fun.

First of all, there was the abusive, drunken step-father. There was also the mentally retarded uncle Boo. Yes, that was the guy's nickname. Boo. *shakes head* Moving on. There was his mother, who by all means is a wonderfully nice woman, she's just a little...gullible, I do believe is the word I'm looking for. She (toward the end of mine and Ace's relationship) had gotten into contact with a friend of hers she remembered from highschool who currently lives in Alaska. So I guess that's where they're going. Here's the kicker. Ace got me pregnant, and I am currently about 15, almost 16 weeks along. He doesn't care; he told me he "didn't need to be a father" and said to just "**** off". So I'm over that bit. Oh well, good riddance to bad rubbish I say. Degenerate.



So there's part 1 to this lovely story of mine. Now to delve into the next and rather twisted chapter.



I had met someone through Ace named Leo. (Again, nicknames only will be used involving this scenario) Leo and I had known each other prior to Ace and myself for about 3-4 months through an IRC I like to visit daily: The Furry Forums. Now Leo was having relationship problems of his own. He being 21, and his girlfriend at the time being about 17 turning 18 soon'ish, it was simply a volatile mix. This is where I come into play. Leo, being a friend of mine at the time decided to confide in me the problems of his relationship. Oddly enough, Aeris (the girlfriend) had done the exact same thing. We were all a pretty tight-knit group at the time, our roleplay characters also being family. I was the "mother" and Aeris was my character's daughter. This is why roleplay and reality don't mix, even if you DO know how to keep them seperate.

Enough of that, back to the story.

Aeris and Leo seemed to have the problem of one simple thing: Immaturity. Aeris, being the age she was, was quite immature and only in love with the simple IDEA of Leo and an idealistic relationship. I Counseled them for the last 2-3 weeks of their relationship until finally Leo had come out and admitted to me that there were feelings that went beyond friendship. I being the 3rd party observer, really didn't let this hit me too hard until he'd fervantly tried to convince me by dropping the L-Word in the form of an emotional bomb. Leo is a bit of an eccentric and really enjoys conventions for Anime. He'd gone to one called ANext and somehow, despite all the great advice I'd given him and all the groundbreaking emotions he'd come to realize: Boom! He was with Aeris again the next day, calling me to apologize for "roping me into the situation".

I'd almost felt used. All that hard work, caring, and perserverance only for him to fall into her manipulations once again. It was enough to get my blood boiling, and oddly...I found myself starting to fall for him, but by no means was it all sympathy. Over the next week, apparently, I'd gotten closer to Aeris, but something seemed wrong. She was still continuing the behavior patterns she'd exhibited before, as did he, and they both seemed to be growing more and more distant from one another. I didn't understand what was happening until Leo decided to IM me one night before he IM'd her. He told me that Aeris had "tightened her grip" on him, and that in all honesty he'd felt nothing. He apologized profusely, and told me he still had this intense attraction to me, and he couldn't figure it out. Aeris begged me and begged me to say no to him, but it had been far too long since I'd met someone like him.

Leo is a confused person, but by all means a good man. I finally relinquished and had them both chat with me, and we managed to solve the issue after a loooooooooooooooong night of dicussion. Well, Irony struck and here are Leo and myself together. I'd gone from counselor to girlfriend. Ever since, it's been pretty nice...with the exception of the last 2 weeks. We've only been dating (beginning online) for about a month, and now we're together in the physical form; I.E. he came up to visit, and hasn't left. It's not that I mind, but he wanted to move to this area. This is where all my intelligence falls to pieces and I'm unable to operate as that same analytical, decisive person I was when I was simply an observer and objective party. Since he's arrived, he's mentioned that by now meeting me in person he's "fallen even harder" for me. He's spoken of getting an apartment together, though it's similar to what we're doing now: rooming together.

He's told me he's in love with me, and he says "I love you" to me every now and again (said mainly with a load of conviction...it's scary). I've gone through nothing but bad relationships, and I'm petrified of this one ending the same way.

What did all this information have to do with ANYTHING you ask? I'll tell you: I feel that when discussing a problem (even when in an online forum) it's best to have all information so no questions go unanswered.

My final wrapped up inquiry falls to this: I want to learn to love him. I WANT to love him the way he does me. Despite us both accepting one another for who we REALLY are and what we're REALLY like...I can't seem to find the right feelings.




What do I do? Is it too soon? Should we just be friends until then, or is it hopeless because we're already living together?


He's very open and realistic and objective to these thoughts and ideas as I've already (stupidly) tossed them out to him as my method of pushing him away. I do that when I'm scared of something emotionally. So in turn, I feel like I'm really getting nowhere. I'm confused, and hurt, and I can't seem to find myself in the midst of everything that's going on. Is there anyone out there that can help me?


Love, Light, and Peace
~Noey~

[Brandye]

It sounds to me as though this whole bunch spends so much time "in character" that none of you know who is who and whether you are dealing with a person or a cyber-surrogate.

Why not sign off from everything, virtual and real, and set about figuring out who you are, sans role play, and then get on with your life. Not a healthy setting to bring the child into.

[sera300]

Leo knows about your pregnancy and child on the way? They cyberworld is too much for me. I agree 100% w/Brandye TURN THE COMPUTER OFF!!!

[Noekh]

I'd more than happily do that with the one exception: my job is website programming and maintenance. I handle my small business online, so I can't necessarily do that. I CAN however nix the RP and all this nonsense going on.


Thanks SO much for the help! ^_^

[sera300]

Just use the computer for business purposes and shut off the cybersocial hours and get out in the world!

[cjb1981]

You typed entirely too much. Your old boyfriend got you pregnant, and you started dating some other guy you met online, you moved in together, he loves you, and you want to love him but you don't. You don't know what to do, and you would like some help, Is that about it?

[oedipussy]

Yeah, I think you pretty much got the gist of it, cjb...

[-wittyphrasehere-]

Originally Posted by sera300

Leo knows about your pregnancy and child on the way? They cyberworld is too much for me. I agree 100% w/Brandye TURN THE COMPUTER OFF!!!

I find the cyberworld is too little for me. I can see the limits of it, which isn't like the real world and shows how false it is.
Escapism is a part of a healthy life, but not the entirety of it.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Brandye and Sera are correct. Now that you and "Leo" are together, step away from the computer, and learn eachother in the real world.

But you have larger problems that Ace and Leo - why are you pregnant? Didn't you have your bcp's and wasn't Ace wearing a condom? Why not? Given Ace's family, why did you expect him to act responsibly? You should have been more responsible yourself.

It seems to me that you are failing to take control of your life. If you do not love the man, you do not love the man. Drifting into a relationship with someone you feel only tepid emotions for might work out but I doubt it. Babies have a way of stressing those kinds of relationships beyond their tolerances.

Stop drifitng. Make a decision based upon reality. Grab onto your life with both hands and GET ON WITH IT!

[sera300]

Originally Posted by -wittyphrasehere-

I find the cyberworld is too little for me. I can see the limits of it, which isn't like the real world and shows how false it is.
Escapism is a part of a healthy life, but not the entirety of it.

I meant it's too much for me; meaning people become too involved, overdone, or too interested and loose grasp of reality. In fact you are correct it does not take the place of reality, it's in fact too little "real" contact with other's. I leave mine on idol while at work or while writing a paper...it's a nice break from what I am currently working on!!!