Desperate Loneliness

[CrazyJenny]

It doesn't make sense -
I meet people, I go out and do things, I have friends. Yet, I'm still really lonely until I'm with my current interest. I guess now I could call her my girlfriend.

So, I invited her over for a while tonight, but she got tired and crashed on the bed, and hasn't woken up yet. So I can either wake her up, sleep on the couch, or lie next to her. It seems insensitive to wake her, I don't want to lie on the couch, and as much as I want to be with her, I don't want to give the wrong message and move into a relationship too quickly.

The longer I wait, the more it hurts.

[anotheranon11]

Some people, myself included, feel lonely all the time except when with someone special that they can communicate with and who understands them.

As for the issue of sleeping 'with' her. If you don't want to send the wrong message, get a separate blanket, but sleep on the same bed. That way it doesn't seem like you are trying to get sexually close to her, and just needed someplace to crash, and as opposed to the couch, decided that near her would let you sleep better.

[CrazyJenny]

I might try the separate blanket thing, especially since she sort of crashed on top of the bed instead of in it.

[CrazyJenny]

Well, it sort of went different than I had expected. anotheranon11, I tried the separate blanket thing, but we woke up this morning lying together, both of us under the blanket, and with her arms around me. I did make the choice to be fully clothed, so it wasn't too sexual.

As much as I'm trying to hold back, it's all going so fast. We haven't even been together for three weeks, and I'm already confused. If only I hadn't waited till now to start looking for a match (20 is a bit late, isn't it), wouldn't be so desperate.

[dancingdoc2]

> As much as I'm trying to hold back, it's all going so fast. We haven't even been together for three weeks, and I'm already confused. If only I hadn't waited till now to start looking for a match (20 is a bit late, isn't it), wouldn't be so desperate.

NO AGE IS TOO LATE! Where did you come up with that notion?

At twenty, particularly if you have not been doing a lot of dating in the past, you should be going out with lots of people. Moreover, at twenty, you are just beginning to sample life and freedom.

By dating lots of people you are better able to sample what humanity has to offer and then to make a better choice when it comes time to narrow the playing field and find Ms. Right. By dating other people, whether at the same time or sequentially, you also have the ability to go out on lots of different dates and sample varied interests. By dating different people you have the opportunity to learn communication skills and coping skills. By dating lots of people you learn how to interact with people better.

After leaving the "nest" guys and gals need time to just sample life without a lot of constraints. For guys this is often referred to as "sewing their wild oats". Shucks! a lot of couples do not get married until their mid to late twenties, after having finished school, becoming somewhat established in an occupation, and, saving some money.

You mention, above, that you are looking for a match. The purpose of dating and dating several people is to have a better opportunity to locate and find a match. Dating is not about stopping the process with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Your girlfriend may very well turn out to be Ms. Right, yet to be sure, you should not be in an exclusive relationship after three weeks. Slow down and work up to exclusivity after permitting the two of you to learn more about each other. If, after a few months, exclusivity seems right, then do this, all the while dating other people.

[CrazyJenny]

The dating thing is the problem - I've never been on an official date with anyone. Sampling without constraints sounds a bit daunting. I have this feeling that I'm running out of time. I've even given it a name - "The Countdown to Crazy", the premise of which is that if I don't find someone soon, I will start to lose my ability to function. I can feel fine while working with others or being out with friends, but when I get home and am alone I get depressed and I feel hopeless. The solution to that is always being around someone else.

I think it would be a bit awkward to start dating more people now that I've established a relationship. If things don't work out, I can always start again. My real question is - how do I know if she's the one? I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm bisexual (although I've never been attracted to a man, so do I really know that I'm not a lesbian?).

[anotheranon11]

You never really know if she is the one until it comes down to establishing a solid partnership (such as marriage or w/e the equivalent is for bi/gay since the US gov't is retarded). Best bet is to just go with it, fighting against the current only makes you more tired.

[Engage!]

You sound a bit like me (and my wife too). You don't handle being alone very well. Unfortuanately, that means you have codependent tendencies, and you're relying on your new girlfriend to make you feel better. It might seem difficult or impossible, but you have to find a solution to your underlying problem, which is your depression when you're alone. Then you will be able to take a clear and non-desperate look at your new gf to find out if she's right for you.

[dancingdoc2]

> > We haven't even been together for three weeks, and I'm already confused.

> I think it would be a bit awkward to start dating more people now that I've established a relationship. If things don't work out, I can always start again.

Three (3) weeks! is not long enough to establish any sort of relationship. What you have right now is a mutual admiration society.

> I get home and am alone I get depressed and I feel hopeless. The solution to that is always being around someone else.

NO! the solution to that is learning to be comfortable with yourself and who you are and being able to entertain yourself. I was a single child and the only children in my neighborhood to play with were somewhat younger than me. Of course there are times when I would rather not be alone, yet, I am often very content to be by myself. This is a learned behavior. You cannot rely exclusively upon others for your contentment.

Similarly, it is an incorrect assumption to believe that a relationship is established for the express purpose of making one or both partner(s) "whole" and "complete". A healthy relationship is formed by having two strong healthy independent individuals joining forces in order to to become greater than the sum of the two parts.

> If things don't work out, I can always start again.

Yes, you can.

> If things don't work out, I can always start again.

If the relationship lasts three years, and you have established a common goal, like some of the same things, like being with each other as well as alone; if you look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day, the end of the week, and are excited to see each other when together, then you have a good start. If she makes your heart skip a beat, if she brings a smile to your face, if she enjoys being with you and doing things with you, if she supports you, if she steadies your course then you have a relationship that bears working on. If after two years you have managed to work together for a common good and to fix and manage problems along the way and still want to be with each other, then just maybe. If the two of you are willing to work on the relationship as a team, then there are sunny days ahead, mate.

How do you know if she is the one? Here are some things to look for and consider:

http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-a-Gir...he-One-for-You

http://articles.webraydian.com/artic...l_for_You.html

http://www.ezilon.com/articles/artic...t-Girl-for-You

Let's have some community involvement into this question.

[wet_suit_one]

Interesting situation.

Doc, I find your comments quite interesting. I'm 32 and have never really dated widely. It would have been useful to have received those words of wisdom some 16 years ago... Perhaps by the time another 16 years is up, I will have acted on them.

I've grown quite comfortable with celibate single life (but for one tumultuous relationship), and this is always an option, though not one of much interest to most people.

The Wet One.