I can't tell if he wants me or her!

[LovinItSingle]

I have been seeing this guy for a few months. We met through work but at the time, he had just married his high school sweetheart even though they have been on again off again for the last 10 years and I was in a 6 year relationship. We were both very interested in each other and we both were incredibly unhappy in our then current relationships, so AFTER we were both single, we hooked up and have been together since. My problem is that he has been separated from his wife for about 8 months now but he still has not filed for divorce. I even bought his divorce papers and filled them out for him so all he had to do was drop them off! Whenever I bring up the subject, he seems to get irritated with me and says he will do it when he's ready. Also, his wife calls him EVERY DAY just to see what's up with him. In the beginning he answered her phone calls all the time except when he was with me but now he doesn't really answer her calls at all, except once in a while (I know this because his cell phone is in my name and I checked his calls), but he won't tell her to stop calling. He says he has tried (only once that I ever heard myself) and she doesn't listen so there is no point in telling her again. We fight about her CONSTANTLY. I told him that it makes me feel like he is choosing her happiness over mine because he is willing to make me angry and cause fights between us rather than make her angry by filing for divorce and/or telling her to stop calling. Also, she has a 4 year old baby by another man but my boyfriend pretty much raised the kid and she calls him daddy and even though he is not with his wife anymore, he still wants to see her baby. He claims he can do so without having to see his wife. From what I have heard, his wife is a very violent person. She smashed the window in my car and has made threats to hunt me down because she thinks I ruined their marriage even though they separated before we even got together. I don't know if he talks to her once in a while to keep her at peace and away from me because he still wants to be with her and/or can't let her go? Why can't he just get her out of his life and be committed to me? Sorry this is so long but I'm going crazy trying to figure him out and I need some answers!

[Raidenator]

It sounds like he's having some seperation issues.

I can see how he might feel this way, as you said he's been with his high school sweetheart for roughly 10 years (never specified how long they were married). Anyway, I believe that he doesn't want to rush into signing the papers because after that, that's it. No more old sweetheart/friend.

My advice is to be patient. He doesn't sound like he has any interest in her, (try not to be nosy or jealous) so let him do it on his own time. Make sure he knows, calmly, how important it is to you that he files the papers. Resist any urge to get into fights or arguements, they never solve anything and only drive a wedge between two partners. It's hard, but always stay calm and I believe he'll stay calm as well. That way you two can be reasonable.

[browneyedgirl]

From what it sounds like, this is someone he has known for a very long time, and I'm sure he still likes to cling onto memories of good times with her, even when he knows that things didn't work out and is happy with you. Just because he can see that logically doesn't make it easier to leave the situation completely. This is still someone he has a history with and I'm sure he cares about her, even when he is annoyed by her phone calls and all that.

In terms of the little girl, just because he didn't father her biologically doesn't mean that he doesn't think of himself as her father. In my opinion, that matters a lot more than whether he is genetically related to her. Adoptive parents love their kids as much as anyone else does. Especially if what you say about her being violent is true, I'm sure your boyfriend cares a great deal about what happens to the child. Perhaps he even wants to stay married to the woman so that he has some claim over the child.

Of course, none of this makes the situation easier for you. You are still unsure what this guy wants. I would be too if he didn't want to get a divorce. He may have lots of good excuses, but if he really cares about you and is over his wife, he needs to get over himself and go on with it. I think you need to have a calm talk about all this and let him know that you feel that it is time for him to make a choice - between a divorce and you. Sure, it's very difficult moving on. But he needs to get over the past and realize that he has you now. If he really likes and loves you, then he'll realize he needs to get his act together and finalize his marriage. If he won't do it, you deserve someone who knows what they want.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Divorce is admitting that you have made a terrible mistake - and how many men enjoy facing up to that? Your constantly reminding him of this mistake is NOT makng it any easier either. You are also showing him disrespect which is further eroding any confidence he may have had. His refusing to take her phone calls (STOP SNOOPING) is a sign that he's retreating - possibly into depression. You are NOT his mother so stop exhibiting motherly (doing things for him) behavior.

He knows what you want. He knows ,or thinks he does know, what he wants. He just hasn't gotten to the point where he can act upon this knowledge. It generally takes two years to 'get over' a previous relationship.

You have to wait.

[LovinItSingle]

Ok so I guess I can make an effort to let the whole divorce and constant phone calls thing go for a while but what am I supposed to do about him wanting to see her baby? He went behind my back and took her out for a few hours on her 4th birthday this past April and then I heard about it a month later from one of his friends (who I also work with). When I confronted him about it, he didn't lie to me. He just said he forgot to tell me. The second time he saw the baby, he asked me first and I really didn't want him to go because I feel like he is trying to hold on to the past and he really should let it go but he explained that the baby doesnt know that he is not her dad and his wife lets the baby call him once in a while and she always asks "daddy when are you coming home, I miss you" so he says that it makes him feel bad and plus he really does miss her. So the second time, I ended up telling him I was okay with him seeing her even though I really really didn't want him to. He hasn't seen her since, at least not that I am aware of but he still asks me once in a while if it would bother me. In my opinion, his wife should explain to her child that he is not coming home. It's up to her if she feels her child can understand at this point that he is not her father but if it was me, I would not have lied to my child to begin with. I really think that his wife knows how much her kid means to him and she is using the baby as a pawn to get to him. If the baby wants to call him, then she gets to talk to him. If the baby wants to see him, then she gets to see him. She has not let him go yet and I think that the reason she hasn't told her daughter that he is not her dad and that he is not coming home is because if her daughter gets over him then she has to get over him too and she isn't ready for that yet. One reply to my initial thread was that it takes about 2 years to get over a past relationship. But the hting is, they have separated at least 2 times before for a period of 2-3 years and STILL got back together! So, I think it will take longer than 2 years and I don't want to deal with her for that long! I feel bad for the kid but it seems like my boyfriend is not considering my feelings in all of this. Only his own and the child's. Am I being selfish by not wanting him to see the kid or is there really not a problem with it? I know I have some insecurities about men being committed to me. My boyfriend has never cheated on me but pretty much EVERY guy I have dated before him has so for once in my life, I just want to know that my man is 100% for me. I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

[gigi]

If you're looking for a good man, I would go for the one that is caring and loving towards a child that isn't biologically his and is willing to step up and fill that role. You are selfish and way off base in trying to keep him from having this relationship. The child did nothing wrong and does not deserve to lose the father that she does have becuase you are insecure. Back off and be happy that you have a stand up guy who wants to take his role as father seriously. Genetics has nothing to do with it.

[browneyedgirl]

I really don't think you should stop him from having a relationship with the child. The child grew up thinking he was her father, and so affectively he HAS been the father. So what if isn't biologically? It is very easy to father a child biologically, a lot harder to raise one as your own. I'm sure he loves the child, and the child loves him. Whether or not he wants to be with the mom, let him have his relationship with the little girl. I understand that this is a difficult situation for you, but objectively I think you need to let him have a relationship with the child. Not just seeing her every couple months, but as much as he wants to. Don't think of this a the wife's little girl only - consider that you have gone into a relationship with a man who has a daughter.

If you really want to salvage your relationship, I think you guys need to have an honest, open, long talk about all this. It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of issues that he needs to figure out in terms of his past relationship. Frankly, you trying to nudge him along probably isn't helping. At this point, I think he needs to be able to reflect for himself on his options and what he wants right now. He may have gone into a relationship too soon after his breakup.

Ultimately, he has known his wife for how many years - 11? This is someone he has a long history with. Just because they are not together doesn't mean that he won't care about her and love her. They may always stay in touch and be friends, and if that's what he wants, I don't think you should try and stop him.

You've been together 8 months. That's the stage in a relationship where you should be head over heels in love, really excited to see each other. If you are having all these issues together after only 8 months, why are you staying together? You said in your post that you were very attracted to each other initially. But you never said, "He's so great" "He makes me so happy" "I love him to pieces and I know he loves me just as much", or anything else to indicate that your relationship has been good or worth going on with. You feel like he's choosing his wife's happiness over yours, you're insecure about continued communication between him and his wife/daughter, and you have fights about her "CONSTANTLY."

You are also expressing fear that they have gotten back together after long intervals apart, so what is to stop them again? You may be right, but if you are, do you really want to stick around? If your fear is that he likes his wife better than you, why would you want to interfere? These people may have a lifelong, tortured, on-again-off-again relationship. But if that's what they want, why try to stop it? And since they have a child who they have raised together, maybe it's for the best.

I don't know if I'm missing something here, but it may just be time for you both to move on. Let him be wish-washy about what he wants to do, but don't let it bother you so much. Find someone who doesn't need so much "fixing". If you guys are really meant to be, then you can get back together in a couple months or a year, after he has had time to think and figure out what he wants. Don't stick around just because it's easier than leaving.

[Newtolove]

hm he could be worried about the child and it is nice if they keep contact but he should break away from his wife, adding this to the other other issues you brought up in other thread I begin to wonder how much he cares about you

[LovinItSingle]

Wow, I gotta hand it to you guys!! Everyone on this site must make it a point to read a lot of threads because everyone keeps answering one of my threads with general information that they have gathered from reading all of my other threads as well. I guess that's a good thing though so you all can get the big picture of my relationship with this guy. But, as I just posted in another one of my threads, I have done a lot of thinking regarding my relationship with this man and I pretty much have come to the conclusion that I am not happy with him. I think I was attracted to him initially beacuse he offered me what I had been missing in my previous relationship but I didn't really take the time to get to know him and I guess I assumed that since he appeared to be so into me at the time that he would be different than what he turned out to be. We have only been dating about 8 months and we should still be in the honeymoon phase but I think we totally skipped over that and jumped right into the seven-year itch. I don't feel like I make him happy outside of our sexlife so I overcompensate in the bedroom with constantly worrying about what to do for him. At first I thought it was normal to constantly worry about whether you are making your partner happy, but as my mother so lovingly pointed out to me this weekend, I shouldn't have to make an effort to make him happy. The right person will be happy just being with me the way that I am (for the most part...everyone has their faults)....so after a long deliberation, a few sleepless nights, and many many tears, I think I know what I need to do. I just want to say thank you to everyone who helped "show me the light"!

[Newtolove]

hm yea your mum has a point to love someone is to be happy just being with them without any special effort at least thats how i feel i just want her company anything else is a bonus