Online complications - Terrified and Seeking Advice

[catatonic.lullaby]

This is kind of a long story, but I really need advice, so bear with me.

About 6 to 6.5 months ago, I met a guy on an online game that I played with my boyfriend (at the time) and some of my other friends, and in this game your characters could get engaged and married. Well, this guy and I were talking -- let's call him J -- and he asked if I was "open". I was so confused. What the hell did "open" mean!? Turns out it meant "are you single" in some weird slang that I had never heard referenced before. I told him "yes" even though the real answer was "no". But in the game, I was single, and I had made it clear to my boyfriend -- let's call this one K -- that we weren't dating when we were on the game. So I figured, what could it hurt? So J and I talked casually when we were on the game and we learned each others' names -- first names, at least -- and our characters were engaged and later married while I was still dating K.

Then J and I started talking more often -- as it always seems to happen -- and we learned more and more about each other to the point where I developed a childish "crush" on him. We began talking outside the game via IM and e-mail, but I was up-front with K about him and my feelings for J and that we talked outside of the game. But of course I didn't let K read anything that J and I wrote, just because it would have been awkward and I still valued my privacy. J and I traded pictures. Clean pictures, thanks, and he turned out to be very attractive. There were other things... Like how he's a 6'4" waterpolo and paintball player, he's not afraid to cry, and he even likes some chick flicks. Best yet, he was single. And as far as he knew, so was I.

Naturally we entered a cyber sex phase with each other -- in all honesty, it's still going on -- and we just became more...intimate. There was something there that wasn't the curiosity of an online relationship or the lust of two teenagers, there was something that twinged inside of me like the feelings I felt for K. At this point, K and I had been together for over a year and a half, and there was no doubt in my mind that I loved him, but now J had entered the picture...

I just graduated -- I'm 18 -- and some of my girlfriends wanted to go on a "senior trip", and casually I mentioned California. Can you guess what's there besides surf and sun? It's more like "can you guess who's there?". J lived in California, about 2,000 miles from our little hometown in Texas. The girls loved the idea, and they all knew about J, so talking to them about possibly meeting up with him was no problem. We had to have an adult -- paranoid parents at work -- and so we chose the one mom out of our parents who was the most laid back and probably the least responsible. Either way, I talked to her about J and she agreed to keep her mouth shut around my parents. I even talked to K about me going to see J, and though he wasn't very happy, he was starting to see just how deep my feelings were getting to be.

Let's skip a bit to spare any person willing to read this some teenage drama, shall we? I went to California with my girlfriends and the mom, and I got to meet up with J. At this point we'd "been together" for just over 5 months, and the only thing he knew about K was that he was one of my best friends, spent a lot of time with me, and we "previously dated". My trip was fantastic. Some of the best parts were with J, and when I got home, I wished I could have told everyone every detail about my trip but I couldn't, because J was involved almost every day. The best day was when I got to be with him for his 16th birthday (I'm 18, remember?), and eat dinner with his family.

I know meeting someone online is a big risk, and especially meeting them in person. So many girls have gone missing because of this. In fact just recently there was a news story about a girl who met someone in person she met online who went missing in San Diego, California... But this month will make six months for me and J. I finally explained to K that he deserved so much better and it wasn't fair to either of them to have me be with both of them -- especially when things between me and K had been rough for a loooong time before J and I felt obligated to be in that relationship -- so I'm now ONLY with J. And here's the twist. My parents forbid me from creating and maintaining online relationships. And when my mom read through part of my journal and found out about the beginning phase of my crush on J, both of my parents yelled at me about how I knew I wasn't supposed to do that and that they didn't want me to talk to him anymore. Needless to say, I didn't listen. J and I had already traded more pictures -- all clean -- and phone numbers, and I'd even talked to his parents before my trip. They were wonderful.

I hate lying to my parents. Especially about this, and ESPECIALLY about J. I want to be able to have an honest, open relationship with him, but I've had bad previous experiences... I was in an online relationship before, though I never went so far as to meet them, and we called and e-mailed and everything, but I didn't tell my parents because again, "no online relationships". My mom found out, the other parents were called, and basically I haven't been allowed and haven't talked to them since. My mom literally ripped me away from that relationship, and I'm terrified that she'll do it again once I tell her and my dad. I've spent time with this boy, I've been with him for half a year, I've met his parents and his dog for Christ's sake... I'm in love with him. Truly beyond the doubt that maybe what we've got is a lusty infatuation. This is more. It's so complicated..

But mainly what I'm asking, is can anyone give me advice on what I should do? I DO want to tell my parents, and I want them to be okay with everything, but I know they probably won't be and I'll basically be under house-arrest except for work and when I leave for college -- if they still trust me enough to let me do that. I also know that if my parents FIND OUT about J before I TELL THEM, things will be a lot worse. They're already going to be pissed that it's been six months.

Damnit, why can't they be like J's parents and support us. >.<

Please, anyone, everyone, ONE person... I'm asking for a little advice. I'd give practically anything to keep this boy in my life, even though you guys must think I'm a lying, scheming, and deceitful b*tch and this boy deserves better. (I agree, believe me, he's still madly in love with me.)

[Engage!]

Okay. Take a deep breath and slow down. I can tell your emotions are running hot, so pour a bit of water on them before you do anything too quickly.

First of all, I'd say you parents are partly right. It's dangerous, and as you've pointed out, alot of girls disappear. your parents want you to be safe, and they have your best interests at heart.

Now for the other half - YOU"RE 18! Legally, you're an adult, and you can talk to anybody. Hell, you could move out if you wanted to and they couldn't do anything about it. In part, you brought their wrath upon yourself by keeping a journal. Take counteractive measures to keep them from snooping. Burn your paperwork, get a lockbox, put a complex password on your computer, and never let them see you while you're online. Don't let them force you into or away from anything. I was paranoid about countermeasures when I was a teenager, so I don't think you're a lying, scheming deceitful anything. I didn't tell my parents about any girls I dated, and only let them know I was in love the week before I married my wife! I kept nearly constant secrecy for over a decade. Don't lie, though, because lies trap you. Tell half truths if you must, but find a way to concel without lying.

I would worry about the age difference between you and J, as well as the huge distance. I'm a bit skeptical of falling in love online, but it could happen.
The biggest threat here is not your parents, but your own feelings of love. Is it really love and not infatuation? If it isn't, you would pay a heavy price in time, money, effort, and strained relationships. Remember, you've only spent a few days physically with him.

As for parental support, don't expect any. I'm surprised J's parents support him, expecially since you're older. RESIST the urge to tell your parents, unless you're going to move out. As long as you're under their roof, you have to do this in secret. Resisting the urge is the hardst part, but remember the consequences - they will keep you under surveillance.

But, whatever you do, be careful and don't do anything quickly.

[jvriffel]

Live under your parents roof, follow their rules or leave. Doesn't get any simpler than that imo.

You are 18 he is 16 and live 2000 miles apart. You built a relationship online and spent a few days with him. IMO quit wasting your youth online get out and meet someone your age and close enough to build a real relationship with rather than the fairyland of the internet age.

I'd don't mean to sound like an a$$ but I just don't understand how it is even possible or acceptable to think like that.

[catatonic.lullaby]

To think like what? That someone you met online could be a REAL PERSON and have things in common with you? In all honesty, building relationships online just feel like it's someone I know extremely well, might even be intimate with, and they're just "away" for a while. Couples everywhere have been able to maintain long-distance relationships, and that's all this really is.

Engage!,

I do have a lock box, but mom got to this journal before I actually had the chance to hide it away. And I wish I could tell them and have them understand, but I just think it will be worse once I tell them after it's been going on longer. My parents are fickle. -__- And yes, I am technically an adult, but they tend to press their rules on me like nobody's business. And about our age? He's one of the most mature 16 y/o I've ever met. Which is a big thing for me, because I've always been a little more grown up, especially when I'm with my friends -- though with this situation I must seem pretty juvenile... And I'm not sure if this makes sense, but we didn't "fall in love online", we met online and then developed our relationship from there, taking to verbal and physical levels (meaning phones calls and actually being in communication with each other, and meeting in person). And I was considering talking to my parents this month, but I suppose... It would be better to wait until I'm out of the house and in college -- at least! I mean, they haven't found out for six months, maybe I can test my luck for just a while longer. If anything, I'd wait until he can come see me and then I can introduce him to my parents first hand..

jvriffel,

First off, what the hell is IMO? :\ Secondly, I'm not "wasting my youth". I've had enough relationships before, all lasting relatively long times, and K is my age and lives right here with me and I was with him for almost two years. It isn't that I can't find someone close to home, and it isn't that I can't find someone my own age. It's just that I know enough of what I do and don't want in a partner at this point in time to know that I want to be with J. Besides, it isn't like I only talk to J online. We talk on the phone every chance we get. We have fights and arguments like other couples, we talk about our days, etc. I repeat, the internet meeting thing is a technicality that will simply piss my parents off more than anything. We're basically in a long-distance relationship. I saw him for a week, he's coming to see me later on, it isn't like we'd have a relationship only via electronics.





Thank you both for your advice and opinions. Every little bit helps. Does anyone else have a few words of wisdom?

[Engage!]

IMHO - in my humble opinion.

[Engage!]

I never dared to keep a journal as a teen, for just the reasons you state. I invested in a heavy fireproof chest for papers I had to keep, and I wasn't lucky enough to have my own PC, and we didn't have internet (this was a decade ago....)

Your mom must swoop in pretty fast to catch your journal. It's wrong on so many levels to read someone else's journal anyway!

Back when I was eighteen, my parents wouldn't have dared to do something to me like what yours are doing to you - they needed my labor and I made it fairly clear that if they wanted it, I needed some personal space. At that point, I had to worry more about nosy siblings than nosy parents. Catatonic, I hope you don't have siblings, because if you do it makes your situation that much harder (it's like having little spies all around you.)

[jvriffel]

IMO = In My opinion

Sounds like to me your mind is made up. All I can say is talk with your parents, the sooner the better. It won't get any better if you just wait longer. Maybe it would be different if you didn't live under their roof and by their rules.

I wouldn't even think about putting a loved one into the uncomfortable situation of meeting them first hand when he visits. To me thats just an explosion waiting to happen, from what you've said about how they feel of the way you met.

I'll admit at 18 2 years must seem like a long relationship but you were a kid when it started and saying you've had enough relationships before that just makes you even a younger kid. I just don't believe at that age people know what they want, I know it has happened I just don't believe in it because at that age your just getting started with your life, going to college, entering the workforce, figuring out what you really do want for the rest of your life.

I know there are the great stories about meeting online and having long distance relationships, that have wonderful endings or should I say beginnings because I doubt we ever hear about the endings.

[DawnyBabe72]

ok. SO
I play and online game with my boyfriend who i Currently known ive known him since the 7th grade [5yrs now] and ive always known him personally. we play this game together online. I got one of my best friend's to play this game too. I had a really cool friend i met in this game. Im gonna use ur method and im just gonna call this kid A. lol. I might be late on all this too lol. But anyway
Apparently A has fallen for my best friend after admitting he liked me several months before. But he knew i had a boyfriend and nothing could break us up.
Been with my boyfriend for over a year now
but anyway. This kid A is gonna come up here next summer and meet us for the first time. [We're 16 and he's 17]. He is a very sweet boy and my friend is an amazing girl. Although.. I dont highly approve of the relationship ya know? i don't think online dating and interacting is appropriate. But than again meeting someone online is much more different than someone in person. Online you see the persons personality and really can get to know them ya know? but hey.
ya never know. in my words Love knows no boundries. So goodluck.
Id say wait a bit and tell your parents later. just a little white lie. but hey you're an adult now. they need to let you make some of ur own decisions.

[catatonic.lullaby]

DawnyBabe,

Have you guys talked on the phone, seen what each other looks like? You say that you get to see a lot of a person's personality online, but a lot of times people are one way through the web and completely different in person. That's how there are so many sexual predators and girls who get suckered in by their sweetness. I got lucky, and I hope you guys will too. It'd be awful to have something happen to any of you.

jvriffel,

Yes, I'm young. Yes, I've had "serious relationships". I know you can't really consider me well-learned in love and these matters, because I even know I'm not. That's why I said "I know enough of what I do and don't want at this point in time to know I want to be with J. And going to college? I think I'm ready for the challenge. Anything seems easier than talking to my parents at this point. And I'm already working, though my parents won't let me during my first year of school once it starts. And what I want to do for the rest of my life? I've known that for over two years, and I'm doing everything it takes to get me there. I know a lot could happen or could change, but so far I've got those three things pinned. And true, we never hear the complete end of online relationships, no "they met online, had to wait a few years to actually be together, but then were married and lived happily with their children until they died after at least 50 years of marriage". But hey, that's asking a little much for a dream-come-true, isn't it? But I'm not saying I want to spend the rest of my life with J. I just want to be in a relationship with him for as long as possible right now, and have my parents involved in my life to the point where they know about him.

Engage!,

In all honesty, I think my mom is crazy. -__- She even scares some of my friends, so you know I'm even more afraid of her. She isn't physically violent or anything, so it's hard to say completely what I'm so scared of, but if you knew my mom and you were my age. Hell, you'd probably be terrified too. I was pretty pissed that she read through my journal, but when they were yelling at me about online relationships, I couldn't really get a word in about my privacy. Besides, they basically said I wouldn't have any. And my parents aren't "we'll give you privacy if you give us your labor". I'm actually missing the door to my room because I slammed it over two weeks ago when I was fighting with them or my sister or someone, and she went and got a screwdriver right THEN, and took my door off its hinges. She said if I was going to act like that then I didn't deserve privacy. Go figure. And yes I have siblings. Two sisters. But they're both older than I am: S, 25 and A, 26. One is married and on her second baby, so they of course don't live with us, and the other is getting married this month and she's only living in this house until after the wedding when she's moving to Maryland with her Air Force hubby. So they aren't really a problem. Though I did talk to S about J earlier this week, and she said I needed to tell my parents and understand that I was probably not going to be able to do anything for quite a while, and that I would also probably not get to talk to J for a long time. Since then, I've talked to J about me telling my parents, and he too is torn between wanting me to and not wanting me to. As of now he says he'd be willing to wait however long it takes to talk to or see me again after I tell them, but he's 16 and still in high school, and I know that's a very developmental time in a teen's life, and I doubt he could wait forever, even though he's the most loyal boy I've ever met.





Dammit, this is all so confusing for me... Thanks again for the advice and comments, guys. Any other insight would still be greatly appreciated.

[Ducy]

Catatonic...let me tell you want piece of advice. do what you want, but dont ever dump the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love. It sounds to me that you may be infatuated with J kid, and that this long happy ending your hoping for will probably wind up turning pretty sour. imho of course