Confusing situation

[RonnieB223]

Hey guys and gals, how are you all doing? I found this website a few days ago and I think it is great. Anyways onto my question.

Okay, I am 21 years old, I have been dating my girlfriend(she is 18) for over a year now, since early September 2005. I love this girl, she is my second girlfriend, though my first real steady girlfriend but I have gone out on dates with others, some with a few second dates as well.

We had sex a month and a half or two months after we started dating. We did it a few times and every week or two after that. Then after about a month she had started to not want it any more because it hurt her. So for a few months we had it occasionally, like every month or two. All during this time I was telling her to see her gynecologist. Eventually she got in to see her. She got checked out and the doctor found nothing physically wrong with her. The doctor recommended better lubrication, more foreplay etc. We tried all those options and nothing seemed to work. So I figured it was me, so after a few more months passed I suggested that she allow me to play with her more frequently so that I could maybe work on it and figure out her body and what I should do.

We tried that a few times but I never really got to far, or to actually try fingering or a vibrating dildo that I bought for her. So next she suggests that we wait for her to try and initiate any sexual activity, and that is where I currently am. I am not sure exactly what to do because I feel as though I have tried to help and tried just about anything, I am willing to hear and discuss with her any suggestions any of you have. I also fear that it may never come. I have hung through this with her for a while now, and I am saddened by the feeling that I am almost at the end of my rope as far as not being able to have a more healthy sex life.

*Edit* We were also each other's firsts. *Edit*

--Ron

.

[dancingdoc2]

Relaxation is key. Encourage her to relax, particularly down there.

Next, I recommend that she do some stretching exercises. These can in two forms. One way is to use a graduated (in diameter) dildo, or something like an appropriate sized cuccumber, English cuccumber, carrot, or candle stick. She can work with one or more in order to stretch the vaginal opening and to make it more complient.

I recommend an exercise that she can do daily for a couple of weeks. It is best if she will draw a bath and sit in warm clear water, no soap or bubble bath. The water will soften the tissue. While sitting, she can insert a finger and tug holding the pressure for a few moments before moving on to the next quadrant in turn. After a few days she should be able to insert two fingers. When she can either one from each hand or two fingers from the same hand, she can continue with the exercise although pulling in opposition as she works her way around.

These should help her discomfort.

[RonnieB223]

Thanks, I will have to talk to her about that. It seems like I am never able to, "turn her on" I am hoping that if this works maybe she'll want to be more sexual.

Thanks again,

--Ron

[wellmannered_squirrel]

Actually, seems to me that you're equally part of the issue.
You need (its a must) to turn her on before engaging in any penetration.
Have you tried oral sex on her? It might be a good way to build confidence between you two and help her relax.
Also, don't underestimate the good old kissing sessions.

My second thought is that she might just not be ready. If she was a virgin before, she might have no clue as to what she wants from a sex partner. Ask her if she ever masturbated and had an orgasm. It'll give you a good hint.

Last but not least : I beleive you should make a wise use of gradation in your sexual encounters with your girlfriend from now on. Do not always go for coït and feel deceived everytime it doesn't work. First get to turn her on on a regular basis, kisses and other foreplay. Then, you might want to give her oral sex as the next step. Mutual masturbation is good idea too (Masturbation is not just fingering (fingers in, fingers out) its much more than that. plz browse the forums to find more specific threads on the subject of foreplay). Really it should go from there.

Also I don't think sex will ever be good untill she really wants it. So her idea of waiting till she takes the lead is a good one. Sadly tho, you might not want to wait for that to happen if it takes to long. You'are perfectly in your right to end things at that point.

Best of luck.

[RonnieB223]

I think you are right last night I spent about and hour and a half just rubbing her back and shoulders, and so on. Then I Touched her lightly for a bit afterwards. But then as soon as I started to even touch down there she complained it hurt, but I don't think it hurts as much as the fact that shes just so sensitive.

I was being really careful and gentle and I was taking it slow, she was pretty wet at this time, but it didn't seem as though she herself was turned on. Then once I actually inserted a finger it just got worse. I like to give oral, and I have given it to her, but she says she doesn't like it. She says it feels weird.

I've tried some of the things that I've read on this website and it seems to me that she just can't be turned on, at least by me. I have gotten into her head before but I can't seem to do it now, I don't know whats changed in the now almost two years we've been together, it just saddens me deeply.

I know she can orgasm, I've made her come, and I know she masturbates occasionally. So I don't know where this leaves me.

[sera300]

It sounds as if she is not enjoying sex for a reason, this is something she would only know. But if she is getting wet, she is aroused. The pain or uncomfortable sensation she is experiencing is more due to not relaxing and enjoying you touching her. Why she is not really enjoying it? Perhaps she is not comfortable yet with her own sexuality. She has said; she does not want to have sex (inadvertently after the first few times you did), it hurts when you attempt to insert a finger, oral feels weird, and touching her makes her too sensitive. All added up? She is not ready.

What to do? Skip the sexual part (put it off for a while) and just spend time with her and see what's happening in your relationship. Perhaps then she will shed some light on what she is feeling.

[RonnieB223]

But after two years of being together? You would think that she would be ready or if not that then at least comfortable with me. I have asked her what the problem is, me, herself or what, but she just says she doesn't know. Though she seems to be leaning more towards it's her, not me. It is becoming extremely frustrating. We are very open and we have good communication between each other. So...ya...heh....

[sera300]

But she is not ready...she is telling you.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If after two years, she is telling you no, then the problem is in her head. She has some message running around in her brain telling her that sex is dirty, bad etc. She is stopping herself from enjoying sex out of some fear or other. So, sorry but it is time to 'just be friends' with this lady and go out there and find another.

[RonnieB223]

Hmm, I don't know. I'd hate to end an otherwise great relationship because of sex. But I feel that eventually thats where I am going to end up.

I think she is stopping herself from enjoying it because of the fear that it is going to hurt. It would be a lot easier to move onto a different girl, but I like challenges sometimes. I don't like to give up, I'd hate to give up on her.