Says she s affected by her 1st experience BUT.....

[kon]

hi just wanted some words and advice regarding the fact that my girl she been affected by being hurt in the past by the 1st guy she been with who basically slept with her and left her. I can understand that this would have an effect but what i dont understand is the fact that she gone on and been with 6 guys after that, 3 she claimed were rebound after that guy and then dated 3 guys after that who she claims didnt treat her in same way. I know it is different with everyone but surely if u dated 3 guys after wouldnt that of eased the pain and the emotional issues she may have from the experiences with the 1st guy?? I dont know maybe its nothing on my part trying to dig a hole somewhere but i just cant help but think something dont add up??

Any advice much appreciated.

[sera300]

It does not matter how many people you have "gone through". People take different periods of time to get over the hurt when relationships fail. Many jump into new relationships in an attempt to alleviate the pain, just to find it was fruitless. It's merely a temporary distraction, then the same hole is still there afterwards.

Dating three guy or thirty may not change the underlying feeling of hurt and disappointment.

[kon]

Originally Posted by sera300

It does not matter how many people you have "gone through". People take different periods of time to get over the hurt when relationships fail. Many jump into new relationships in an attempt to alleviate the pain, just to find it was fruitless. It's merely a temporary distraction, then the same hole is still there afterwards.

Dating three guy or thirty may not change the underlying feeling of hurt and disappointment.

Yes thanks for that just what i thought the time is diff for everyone. she did say that she got with 3 guys after who were a rebound cause and then dated 3 guys after that. I just thought maybe having actually dated 3 guys after this would help burden the pain. 2ndly the fact that she got with 6 guys after this pain caused her to really find it hard to trust a guy, doesnt this make her kind of hoeish in the sense she finds it easy enough going through guys and especially cos she s at the age of 18. I dont know maybe its just me and maybe if it aint the case then i just cant accept it and should consider ending things

[sera300]

I do believe one's past sexual history has no bearing on a relationship, and it should not be discussed UNLESS there is a valid reason; disease or sexual tendencies.

Okay at 18, 6 is a few men but the most important is how does she treat you? Do you care for her? I believe that's much more important.

She may just not be ready for a relationship now. Many times, we look for other's to ease our pain so it's easy to relationship "hop" but it only works for a while. It takes time, it takes time alone with just your friends and having fun in life to feel better and to get your self-confidence back. Seeking it in other people leads to failure.

[kon]

Originally Posted by sera300

I do believe one's past sexual history has no bearing on a relationship, and it should not be discussed UNLESS there is a valid reason; disease or sexual tendencies.

Okay at 18, 6 is a few men but the most important is how does she treat you? Do you care for her? I believe that's much more important.

She may just not be ready for a relationship now. Many times, we look for other's to ease our pain so it's easy to relationship "hop" but it only works for a while. It takes time, it takes time alone with just your friends and having fun in life to feel better and to get your self-confidence back. Seeking it in other people leads to failure.

I no i wud hav to agree with that but its just getting to me the fact that she been with 6 guys after this 1 after she implies he really hurt her i dont understand because i understand the ease of pain may be thought of by rebounds as short term relief but she said it was only the 1st 3 guys after him that were the other 3 were proper relationships so makes me think like you said that again although she says she is maybe she just aint ready for a relationship and i should just end it instead of waiting to find out? on the other hand it may just be my male ego in this scenarion but i m not too sure really!!

[sera300]

Maybe it's half ego & half insecurity? I could see if she slept w/6 of your closest friends, that would be weird. If you like her then just hang, just don't pressure the relationship. Let it go where it does. If your not into her, then look elsewhere, don't limit your options.

Your just afraid of being Just another one of those guys?

[kon]

Originally Posted by sera300

Maybe it's half ego & half insecurity? I could see if she slept w/6 of your closest friends, that would be weird. If you like her then just hang, just don't pressure the relationship. Let it go where it does. If your not into her, then look elsewhere, don't limit your options.

Your just afraid of being Just another one of those guys?

hey sera

yea maybe it is. i do like her and we get on unbelieveably well its why i think i am being stupid and should let the past stay where it is meant to but yes guess that must be it scared i m just another 1 of them guys cos if thats what she s looking for really then i m not interested even though i may b a rare case of a guy like this i dont want to be sleepin around i m 21 and been with 4 girls. Another thing is u may say just tell her this but kinda feels awkward.

[sera300]

Then just hang out w/her and take the time to get to know her. Don't jump into an immediate hot & heavy, I cannot live without you, relationship w/her.
See if you really do like her over time, what she has been doing in the past, jumping too fast is an immediate disaster, so avoid that pattern w/her.

Both of your pasts are just that; private. Remember there were always other's before, how many? Who really cares? You'll find as you get older, you stop counting, you run out of fingers & toes! If a man asked me, I could not answer, I have no idea & it's just not important. It's the here and now that counts.

So just keep it cool w/her, let her come to you! No, don't just tell her what you wrote! Just wait and see where it's going, play it cool no big rush, and when the subject comes up and the time is appropriate then talk a bit about it. Don't do it now otherwise you will crash & burn...

[kon]

Originally Posted by sera300

Then just hang out w/her and take the time to get to know her. Don't jump into an immediate hot & heavy, I cannot live without you, relationship w/her.
See if you really do like her over time, what she has been doing in the past, jumping too fast is an immediate disaster, so avoid that pattern w/her.

Both of your pasts are just that; private. Remember there were always other's before, how many? Who really cares? You'll find as you get older, you stop counting, you run out of fingers & toes! If a man asked me, I could not answer, I have no idea & it's just not important. It's the here and now that counts.

So just keep it cool w/her, let her come to you! No, don't just tell her what you wrote! Just wait and see where it's going, play it cool no big rush, and when the subject comes up and the time is appropriate then talk a bit about it. Don't do it now otherwise you will crash & burn...

ok thanks sera you always give good advice but 1 thing u said not to mention it etc as should get to know her etc and not to get heavy but we been going out for nearly 5 months now. does that not make a difference in how to approach the situation?

[sera300]

Oh...5 months huh? I thought this was a newer relationship. Obviously she is hanging in there with you and coming back for more. Do you love her? Does she love you?