Twenty-one. Clueless, inexperienced, feeling pretty luckless

[Maui]

Alright. The title pretty much sums up this thread. I have never gotten anywhere with a girl. Friendship is the extent of it. I have lots of friends who are girls but no girlfriends to speak of. I go out on a regular basis with my friends. Some people say my lack of success is just because I haven't met the right girl but that can't be true because I know people younger than me who have had multiple girlfriends. The "right girl" could easily have been someone I exchanged quick words with the other day while waiting for the elevator. How would I know?

The truth is I don't know what to look for, I don't know how to tell if a girl is interested and the few times I have had a real chance I've always messed it up before it even begins.

One of my problems is that I'm scared to take a chance. If I ask a girl out and she says no then I will have lost would could have been a friend and often I've been reluctant to take that chance.

So, if any of you have some advice for a novice such as myself, I'm all ears.

[EvilEvilKitten]

First off, stop worrying about "losing a possible friend" and focus upon "possibly gaining a lover". You need to focus more upon the women around you and less upon your insecurities. Talk to women. Ask them questions. We don't bite. Listen to what they say to you. Follow up on what they say to you. If possible find an older woman to take you under her wing or team up with one of your buddies who knows how to do it and watch him/learn from him.

[Maui]

I do have a friend who is good at it. I'm not sure how much I can learn from him though. He says that it's good to show interest in a girl personally, like asking about her family or about things that are unique to her. Also (and I suppose this is a crucial part) I have to care about her answers.

Another problem is that the few times I've asked a girl out I am all too aware that what I'm saying goes beyond just friendly talk and my heart rate becomes jacked. Seriously, there are few things that scare me more than saying those words in asking a girl out. That may be because I've only ever done it once and failed.

[BurtonDom]

alcohol could be your best friend.

[Jiffylube854]

Hey buddy. I was a 26 year old virgin. I have a good friend who is a total ladies man, and here is the advice he gave me. Advice that got me a girlfriend (and laid of course) within 2 months.

1) TOUCH her. Lightly, on the forearm or shoulder, light enough that she barely knows it's there, when you're making a point, while looking into her eyes. Lightly, on the small of the back, when you're ushering her through a door. Hold her hand. Walk arm in arm. Start touching her LITERALLY WHEN YOU FIRST MEET HER. Lightly, I can't emphasize this enough, but make sure to do it.

2) Tell her she's sexy. But don't make it about looks. Find something about her personality you find sexy, and tell her. EARLY. Here's an example. "Hey, I like your passion for underwater basket weaving. It's sexy." Then just shut up and listen to what she says.

3) Don't solve her problems. Listen, but don't offer advice. Instead, empathize.

4) Just ASSUME she's interested. Sure, you might be wrong sometimes. If she's making eye contact, smiling, if she qualifies herself (like presents something "negative" in a good light), she's interested. Just assume she's interested. If she's not, she'll let you know.

5) DON'T BE NEEDY. Examples of being needy: calling her all the time. Exhibiting jealousy if she talks about guy friends. Etc. This rule is CRITICAL. Be FUN, not NEEDY.

I guarantee this will get you WAY further along.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Warning! Do NOT ever touch her before she touches you! Keep your hands to yourself until she touches you.

Sorry, jiffy, but women do not let people they do not know to touch them - even if 'barely felt' - it is creepy. Got that?

[Jiffylube854]

Nah, don't listen to EvilEvilKitten. In fact, it's a really bad idea to listen to women on the topic of "how to get a woman". Just like you wouldn't listen to a guy to learn "how to get a guy".

It's not creepy. Both guys and girls do it all the time. Everyone's got a friend who touches people on the forearm when they make a point, or at a particularly funny moment. Be that friend.

I wonder how old EvilEvilKitten is, and if she's had high quality men in her life. I'm going to guess in her 40s at least, or she hasn't had too much high quality male attention.

[sera300]

Well, I have been around the "dating" experience for a while and I can tell you the biggest turn off to me is a man who starts touching me! IF I have thrown him no indicators, such as getting physically closer to him or gently brushing against him, or touching his arm, I'll back so far off. I went out last weekend w/a new guy and his physical advances were unwelcomed he was too touchy for me. Don't assume all women want to be touched, let them give a signal first...

And at the age of 41, I have a bit more dating & relationship experience with very nice & "quality" men then those in their 20's.

[Maui]

JiffyLube,

Touching a girl lightly to put her at ease and calling her sexy sounds like classic pick up artist stuff. Is that your inspiration? I'm no expert obviously but I'm quite sure that there's nothing wrong with lightly touching a girl's arm to help get her attention.

[James2007]

Treat girls like friends, thats all they will be... never be to friendly... as in friends, include flirting with the girls you want to be more than friends with.

Girls (most) like a man who takes control, she's not gonna ask you on a date... its almost 100% of the time down 2 you.