He wants "friends with benefits" relationship

[Lemonade]

Hi everyone,
This is my first post here, even though I have been reading for a while now.

There is a man I am seeing right now and he has made it clear to me that all he wants is a "friends with benefits" relationship. Now... I love this man and don't want to give up on him just like that. We have a 10 year age difference and he has a problem trusting my feeling, I assume he doesn't think I love him.
There are times when he is so tender and caring, I would give my hand at those moments that he has feelings for me. But then there are times when he withdraws and says that he needs space. Then I tell him we should not communicate any more if I'm too pushy and irritating, if he thinks that I'm after his freedom. At this - he says that wants to communicate with me, and he would not say goodbye, that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend.
We had this conversation a few days ago and I told him that it would be better to part and just say goodbye, I would finally stop pushing him and leave him alone, at which he said that he doesn't want me to leave him alone. I'm so confused trying to make sense of every separate phrase or word.
Dear all - please help me understand this man. He is so dear and special for me. Do you think there is a chance to have a real relationship? Do you think he might have feelings and is just afraid to show them? Or am I in complete denial about the whole situation?

[sera300]

It sounds as both of you have been seeing each other and he wants a FWB relationship & you want a relationship?

If this is truthful, and you were dating before and now it's a FWB relationship, skip it let the relationship go.

If this is what you have been to each other (FWB), relationship wise, it will not work, your feelings are too deep right now and he should recongnize that. FWB, is just that friends. I have a friend like that although we have not hooked up in a while (he's seeing someone) but he is just that my really wondeful friend. Love? I love him as a friend not in a romantic way, he is a true deep friend who I can tell anything too & he gives me the best dating advice. Your feelings in this one are too deep at this time to be FWB to him...break it off and give it distance until your feelings cool down, then resume the friendship if you can.

And no he is not hiding his feelings, he does not want a relationship & committment from you.

[Lemonade]

sera300 thanks for your reply. We never had a real relationship, and the FWB is only starting right now, but the only reason why I want to be in this sort of a relationship, is because I secretly hope that it might grow into something more serious. Why doesn't he want to let me go? He knows that I love him and likes when I tell him how I feel... do you think it's just his ego? Maybe he just likes when I tell him all the good things about himself and doesn't want to lose that? I don't know... totally confused.

Are there any men here who can share their experience in similar situations? THANKS!

[EvilEvilKitten]

FWB IS A REAL RELATIONSHIP. Jeez! FWB is NOT ****buddies. FWB is fun both in and out of the bedroom. It is caring about each other and about having feelings etc and so forth. And, yes, it can lead to marriage.

Relax. Talk. Have fun with him. See where you end up.

[Lemonade]

EvilEvilKitten
Of course it is a relationship in a way, but what makes it unreal for me is that he keeps on telling me that he doesn't want to be a couple in any sense. That means no hanging out, no going to the movies or eating out, means no calling and so on

[demonbuttercup]

But I mean friends do at least do that as well.
So if you guys aren't having sex...then when are other times you see eachother?? or do anything?

I mean you were being honest saying you wanted to cut things off b/c if you can't have a "real" relationship w/ him...then it would be better of to have nothing.
It's apparent that he doesn't want a G/F or any woman to impair on his "freedom".
It's selfish of him to keep you hanging around and saying/acting just vague enough that you aren't sure what he thinks.

I'd be just straight up like you were here... say I really like you as a friend and enjoy the time we spend together...you know that I want MORE than that...and I don't think its fair to me.

It's apparent you are looking for more than just a FWB and think of all the guys and opportunities that could have already passed you by b/c you have been waiting on this guy to change his mind!

[Brandye]

He wants it both ways and evidently thinks his present interest is an investment in future possibilities - if HE chooses.

I had one FWB relationship that worked and was fair. In med school, I had a male roommate. Shared the expenses, shared our genitals and generally went our separate ways. The sex was adequate considering that, with our schedules, most of our classmates were being celibate. We remain friends at a distance -different countries - many years later. Tried another one that began as you describe. He was a controlling ass and this was a technique.

Walk. If he pursues you acceptably, maybe reconsider.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If he doesn't want to be friends outside of the bedroom then you must correct him when he says FWB and tell him that what he wants is a "****buddy". Then you can say yes or no - depending upon whether that is what YOU want or not.

[sera300]

The more I have read the subsequent posts and thought about it; it sounds to me as if he wants as evil said a **** buddy w/NSA. Seeing how you have feelings for him, admittedly love, I'd let the relationship go. He enjoys the nice feeling knowing you care for him & showing him affection; meanwhile, he does not have to maintain any relationship with you, there's no work on his behalf, no emotional attachment. He enjoys the benefit of knowing he can have you when he wants.

So, you can hang w/him and just have fun if you want it. Or let it go, allow your feelings to subside and revisit it later (or not). If you decide to end it, I would be upfront with him "why" and end it on good terms. You never know what the future brings.

Since your feelings are so strong for him; it makes the entire situation difficult for you and you have to do what's best for you.