Her bisexuality - very confused

[madeye]

so the other night me and my lady are leaving a bar in which we were hanging out with her friends.

She had an extra long goodbye with one of her female friends.

earlier that night she had mention to me that, that girl had tried to sleep with her, she said they have made out a bunch of times but she never slept with her.

i was already aware of my gfs bi sexuality past, so i wasnt exactly shocked.

then later after we had left my gf began trying to tell me the difference between making out with a man and making out with a women.

and then followed that diatribe with "me and her shared a moment tonight, a moment in which in the past would have resulted into a make out session"

um yeah i blew a fricken gasket.

My stance is if she still has a strong desire to making out with women than to do it single. To me its cheating, and I have been clear with that since the beginning.

Her stance is she meant it as a compliment to how much she loves me cause even though they had that history she was not going to kiss her cause she is so in love with me.

I naturally cant help but wonder if the reality was more so the fact that the only thing stopping her was my presence and not the love.

This woman keeps throwing caution to the wind and continually makes it harder and harder for me to trust her. We have a great budding relationship with alot of future potential its been 4-5 months of a very open fun and rich realtionship.

I just dont know if i can take this anymore. How am i suposed to know if im freaking out or if my paronia is justified. How can i know this?

I guess im scared of being that person who ignores little signs like this in the greatness of love only to get burnt at the end.

This is a major mental conflict inside my head, im in love with her yet i cant seem to imagine a happy ending and she cant seem to resist helping me fill in plenty of potential unhappy ending scenarios.

[sera300]

Hey madeye:

I would just let it go, what if she ran into an ex boyfriend and said the same thing? Meaning, she did nothing wrong, she is just being honest with you. Having dealt w/my ex being bi here is the biggest obstacle, assuming you are looking for monogamy; who is the emotional & physical attraction stronger to? You or to her gf friend? Can she be happy strictly with you (a man) not having a woman? I think you have to talk and you have to try to understand and be REALLY open about it.

With my ex, he said "if I had been with you for 12 years, as I was with Mel (his bf) then you would understand how I feel". Hmmm, I was a brand new wife of 2 months and I did not pale in comparison. His emotional attachment was with his bf and I knew (as did he) I would never be first. We split and divorced very quickly. They are still together and this was 22+ years ago and I remarried.

But what is the difference if I was her ex bf? And she still had a lingering feeling and said the same? Would you think any different of her? Or is it that you know you cannot compete against her ex gf? I think she knows what's going on and has a good handle on it, talk to her and trust what she said. But let her know if she begins to feel differently she owes you an explanation about the situation and not being kept in the dark...Talk!!!

[madeye]

see i think the talking thing is what is causing problems.

I know that i will never be the last person my gf/future wife finds attractive and has an awkward moment.

I understand cause i still feel attraction to other women and yet i have no desire to act on it or let it become something more, and im also not one of those drunks who goes crazy and does stupid crap and doesnt remember. Im always fully aware of what im doing.

The difference is im not giving a full detailed description of how im feeling when i feel attraction with another women, and im not telling her what i would be doing with that women if i was single.

Its bothers me cause why talk about what you would do if you were single if your not single, why even discuss this at all with me

[sera300]

Perhaps you have to talk to her about what's appropriate to discuss. Details of what you would be doing w/another, if not in a relationship, has no place for an open discussion in a relationship and serves no purpose other then just being hurtful and causing resentment. These are the types of thoughts which one keeps to themselves. As I said before there are things you share in a relationship, then there's "stuff" which is ours alone and not intended for sharing. This is where 100% disclosure is not a good idea.

I would let her know that as much as you enjoy getting to know her, there is a point as to what is relevant. Meaning she should keep these thoughts to herself.

Regardless of your relationship (g/f, fiancee, wife, etc) there are always people you find an attraction to. But you keep the attraction within the boundries of your relationship. It's just that, an attraction, it's not the person who you are in love with. To look is human & to flirt is human...

[Brandye]

Those married women I know who have a special female friend do not share their outside activities or interests with their husbands.

[sportdork6]

Originally Posted by Brandye

Those married women I know who have a special female friend do not share their outside activities or interests with their husbands.

Well isn't that... cheating...

[sera300]

Madeye:
From your last post, are you inferring; your current gf you are considering as a future wife? Or was it just a generalization?

[Marko]

I think you should turn it into a positive. If you are in love with her and she loves you, I doubt she will leave you for a woman. If my girlfriend had some bi tendencies I would think that could make it into a bit of fun, if you get my meaning.

[madeye]

Originally Posted by sera300

Madeye:
From your last post, are you inferring; your current gf you are considering as a future wife? Or was it just a generalization?

No i was more speaking generally.

And i have no interest being in a relationship with someone who needs to have significant sexual attention from someone else. Gender is absolutely trivial to me.

So if a women needs to have a special female friend to make out with on occasion than she is getting dumped.

This is something im very open and honest about, we have talked about these things when we first started dating.

If some women have a special mildly sexual friendship in where a night of drinking can result in a passionate kiss, then those women need not to date me.

Iam comfortable that this bi-sexuality is a part of her past, but when we discussed this in the beginning i told her that if she were to become serious with me that she would have to be able to actively not pursue those desires. I dont buy into this "its a women its different" no its not different its another person that is not me who your sharing an intimate moment with. so to me its cheating.

So i understand shes going to feel an odd attraction to women on occasion. I just hope she has the self control to not act on it. And i hope she can have that self control even in a similar situation even when im not present.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry, madeye, but this relationship is not going to last. She likes to flirt and be open in a way you feel is "inappropriate" and you demand absolute devotion or you give way to rampant jealousy. Madeye, the nuns are all 'taken' so you're going to have to either loosen up and learn to trust her or just admit your failure and move on.

One thing I have to compliment you on is that you do not discount women. Most men seem to feel it is okay if its "just a woman" they're sharing with - as if women do not count as 'cheating' whereas if it were a man it would count.