Her friends - can't bond with

[madeye]

Im having a problem with my gf female friends.

I have not been able to comfortably bond with any of them.

It has been alot of fun being single and being social and chatting up women.

alot of the women i met and even some that i dated i became very close friends with.

The problem is the only way i have been able to achieve this is with a very flirty sexual tension kind of way. I mean even if your just friends and there is no real attraction i simply don't interact with women the way i interact with my guy friends.

In my past i used to be scared of interacting in such a way cause i feared sending the wrong signals, and that fear in itself kept me from being myself and creating fun comfortable carefree vibes with women. so up until a year ago i had 0! female friends.

So far i have not had much interaction with my gfs female companions, but the two times i have it was awkward and i didnt feel like i belonged.

were going out tomorrow night to go bar/club hopping.

me and my girl been dating for 4 months and have spent tons of time together we have a fair amount of trust in each other (as much as you can in 4 months) and tons of comfort with each other (very honest and open)

I really don't feel like i should unleash my social skills on her female friends, i feel skeptical and that so far is my answer to this problem. I cant help but think since im wondering if this would cause a problem than it will cause a problem.

its just she sees how i act around my current female friends and then she is gonna notice a polar opposite with hers.

Thoughts?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Time for step two in your social program then, madeye. How NOT to flirt and yet still interact with women in a positive manner. Forget about developing sexual tension - save that for your girlfriend alone. Forget about being cocky. Just treat them like people. Think 'aunt' here. Be respectful and watch your manners but definitely be non-sexual around them. Can you do that?

[madeye]

I dont think i can do that without being anything less than my gfs new accessory

its like i dont have the creative social intuitition to talk about funny things and laugh.

I feel dry and robotic, i feel like i cant do anything but ask "hows work" "hows school"

and then naturally i get boring dry responses.

its painfully dull and im not looking forward to hanging out with them.

i have tried to do what you said and to be honest i dont even think they would have remembered my name if it wasnt on my girlfriends myspace page.

Its just a boring interaction when your focused on being respecftul and having manors.

[sera300]

Madeye...are you going off the deep end suddenly ???? Just skip the flirting/physical attraction thing, be polite, and be nice...you know how to do this very well. Talk to them like they are real people, sort of like you do all of us. Ask them a lot of questions about themselves, get interested in her friends even if you hate it, even if it's killing you, AND smile. As you know the friends can drive little wedges in between the two of you (sort of like parents can too). It sounds to me now you are concerned b/c you are wandering out of your element or comfort zone. Try to get to know them, these are her friends!!!

[madeye]

I have tried to get to know them the way you guys have suggested and it just wasnt happening.

im gonna give it another shot tonight, i dont know what were doing yet probably bar hoping at dance clubs.

which means the ladies are going to dance together and what am i suposed to do, im not clinging to my gf on the dance floor like some chump, and im definately not comfortable enough to dance as a part of the group. the scenario will make me feel like such an outsider, and what will happen is im just gonna chill at the bar and engage in some fun conversation with strangers and let them have their girlfriend time without me hovering around. I have done this in other scenarios sometimes just for fun i never really like the idea that i should only converse with the people i roll with. so my gf is ok with it, as long as i make a noticeable effort before wandering off solo.

this is fricken silly, im growing frustrated with this. I just really feel like these girls wish she stayed single or wish she wouldnt bring me out. Its like i ruined their single girls club and they would be happy if we broke up. and i dont think this will change until i become more than just her boyfriend and they actually see me as an individual.

and the only way i know how to get a women to go from disliking my presence to sincerely enjoying it, is with my "flirtatiously innocent fun version" instead of my polite mature fun version.

Im gonna genuinely try to be politely non flirtatious and socially interested in these women tonight. But i cant stop thinking that persona is jaded cause im holding back the way i really am with all of my female friends.

I see it as a valuable social skill to learn, yet im riddled with doubt on my capability of achieving this.

look for an update on how the night goes tomorrow, im aware of how important this is so it is something im willing to put effort into rectifying

[woody_allan]

and they say women are drama queens

[madeye]

maybe iam over reacting, the problem is i dont know

my previous and only other serious relationship was with a recluse

she had 0 friends and i never had to deal with something like this before.

its been so alot of fun and carefree time bonding with women the past two years (cause i never did it before)

and now i feel more pressure to tip toe and not send the wrong signals or cross a line or interact in a way that would hurt her feelings.

i guess time will tell.

thanks for the support

[sera300]

This is like meeting the in-laws; you are not required to like it just to be polite! The problem your female friends are YOUR friends, and it's b/c they are attracted to you & your personality. This is different, they are her friends and they may not like you, but then they did not choose you either as you did not choose them.

That said, it's one of those occasions you go, show your face, you did it, it's over, and find something else to do next time this comes up! Hang at the bar and talk to some nice people. Let her dance w/her friends, just back off and do your own thing. Or call a buddy up and have him meet you there...But if this continues, just decline wanting to go, especially if her friends are not bringing their s/o. Tell her next time you'd rather meet everyone out for dinner or something...and tell her she is welcome to go out w/them herself.

Stop pouting If it gets really bad have a few extra drinks...the night goes faster!

[madeye]

to the person who left feedback "so you are not the center of universe to them"

That does not help and does not apply, im not worried that i wont be treated like a god.

But im also not interested in spending time with people who dont show interest or never show any sign that i matter or belong.


thanks for the advice sera, as your advice usually does im thinking a bit more logically.

[sera300]

It was not me...but just chill, just be yourself, to hell with what they think. You are only going b/c she asked. But put yourself in a better mindset, I can sense your displeasure & I don't even know you!!! Imagine what they will feel...so just do your best.