Talking about past relationships on first dates

[K617L]

Just getting back into dating again after a long break (got sick of being dumped all the time and focused on friends, family, fun and work for several years). It seems as though all people want to know about on 1st dates is about your past relationships. What is appropriate to talk about so that you don't scare a guy off? I've never really had a serious relationship and I'm in my mid-thirties. So what do I say?
So far my responses have varied between "oh there hasn't been anyone lately" and " I haven't dated anyone seriously since college". Then one guy still pressed and asked how long my longest relationship was. I said "2 months maybe?" and he looked a little freaked out.
Fortunately I wasn't particularly interested in any of these 3 men, but I would like to have a better response for when I do meet someone I'm really interested in!
Why haven't I been in any real relationships? Well I've only met 2 guys in my entire life that I was really crazy about. Of course those were the ones who weren't interested in anything serious with me. It took me forever to get over those two. I still think about the 1st one all the time. As far as others go? Well I just don't think it's nice to string someone along who really likes you. So I usually end things or they realize I'm not into them either and end it themselves within that 2 month area.

[sera300]

People ask about past relationships to find out info. Meaning, I will ask were you ever married? Generally men will respond besides a yes/no answer, they will tell you how long & the reason for the divorce. Why would I want to know this? I can sense hostility, anger, love, etc. This gives me insight if they are over the ex or not. Point two, why they divorced is important. I found it's insightful to what the person is like; meaning if they say their ex-wife just did not want to be married anymore and she took off. Theres more to it, why did he not realize what was happening in the marriage. I have also had people tell me point blank they were unfaithful, were in rehab, or in therapy. Also, I want to know how long someone has been out of a long-term relationship or marriage; I am not looking to be their rebound person. I ask before I go out on the first date. But I also don't date just for the sake of having someone to go on a date w/. So, this is prob. why men ask you questions, b/c they do it for the same reasons.

Why someone may freak out, I am not certain. They may wonder if you are incapable of a long-term relationship, if you just never wanted to be serious about someone, or fear of committment.

I would just respond to their questions with something like; "I have been very involved in my career and have met very few men I wanted to carry a long-term relationship with". I would aviod putting how many months on it, I would just say "I have been involved in a few serious relationships over the past few years". I would aviod there is "no one interesting lately", no serious "relationship since college". I would say "I am very picky about who I get involved with, I date frequently, but have found no one I wanted a serious relationship with recently".

It seems the responses you have given closed the door, I would wait to get into the details when you decide it's someone you are comfortable discussing your situtation with--you do not owe them a great eplaination, you are out on the date to see how you both get along. Also, after they ask you the question, I would turn the same right on him and probe, see if he gets uncomfortable; this may be enough to stop the conversation for a while so you can move to another topc. If they are judging you this quick, they are not worth the time. I would keep your response vague, and if pushed I would say "I really don't want to get into such a personal discussion at this time."

[EvilEvilKitten]

Bare bones is all you talk about on 1st dates. No details - just a general overview. Nothng more needs to be said at this point.

[Old Kid]

I was married to someone for 21yrs and she never did discuss her past relationships. She made it her bussiness to know all about mine though! LOL

[madeye]

Just have some confidence and spin your lack of long term relationships into a postivite angle.

Cause its not that you got dumped alot, its just your very patient and focused on all aspects of life equally.

and then yeah like said, bare bones!

and i would also have a reply to a women who your on a date with who is talking too much about exs.

if she is not following the bare bones guideline do him/her a favor and cut them off and change subjects

if someone push's harder to talk about exs, then just boldly say "hey right now im more interested in getting to know you than hear about your last relationship"

It may seem rude but sometimes people need that to see how Fricken annoying they are on a first date.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Just went on a 'first date' yesterday - an interview, if you will. All I asked was "why are you here?" and he came out with chapter and verse. In a way it was good because the reasons were 'non-violent', which is always a good thing. But usually I don't want to hear chapter and verse. And no, I said nothing about my past. I never do. It would take too long!

[Brandye]

Read all the threads on this Board about those who lose their confidence after learning too much about the others' past. Like Evil, I am a minimalist - I do not want to know too much and I certainly do not wish to divulge too much. Beyond some age (you decide), a "past" is assumed. Do you really need chapter and verse?

[kpodo]

im in my mid 30's also and before i met my girlfriend i went 8 years without being in a serious relationship. i just didnt want to "sport date". i was waiting for someone to knock my socks off and she did. everybody makes mistakes choosing partners sometimes so dont feel guilty about it