input please

[lolipop]

Hi
I am new to this site and would like some opinions on my situation...

I am married with two children. I am not happy in my marriage, my husband loves me and I love him, however he is extremely co-dependant and over the past 10 years (we've been married for 18) has pushed me away by expecting me to feel that he is the only important thing in my life. I know that I will stay with my husband until my children leave home and then I will most likely go my own way. We still have pleasant family time and we still have a sexual relationship, however for me the relationship has more of friend feeling and of course we are raising two kids so we are a team in that.

Last year my best friend (male and co-worker, also married with children) told me that he was in love with me. I have known this man for 8 years and I do love him and told him so. I asked him to please examine his feelings and ask himself if it is real love or friend love (although I am not sure there is any difference). He says it is the real thing and that no one has ever made him feel this way before. We have always had chemistry and have always found each other attractive.

I spent the next 8 months telling him that I could not get involved in any other way but friendship, however over these months the attraction and temptation grew stronger and in the past 2 months we have been engaged in a intimate relationship(yes sex but I say intimate because it is so much more). I said the only way I could was that neither of us would place any demands on the other.

I am still holding back some emotional connection and this is a cause for him to feel unfulfilled. He says he is worried because I act like I can take or leave the relationship and he feels too connected to me to fel that way. I say it really is like that because if push came to shove both of us would chose our families. Because we are both married with families there is very limited time to spend together and to feel truly intimate I need this time. Time not spent hiding around corners and worrying about being seen. So the catch 22 is he wants me to be more in emotionally (he is all in ( I see it is his eyes) and he tells me every day) and I can't be more in without the commitment of some time.

This the only time I have ever been unfaithful. This man and I have the most honest relationship I have ever been in and it would very sad to lose it. He says I am his best friend. We have said whatever happens we will still remain freinds and we talk about every feeling and issue as it arises.

Neither of us have spouses that could let us explore this relationship, otherwise the problem would be solved. He does love his wife and family very much. I do love this man and will never do anything to interfere in his other relationships.


Does any one out there think we can keep this relationship as it is or do these things always crash and burn?

[sera300]

Affairs generally do not last, even after the spouses find out, pack up w/the kids, and file for a divorce. When both find themselves single, it seems the wonderful bond which was shared, in reality, suddenly vanishes. He loves his wife but wants more emotionally from you? Meaning he wants his cake & to eat it too. Don't hold too much hope for this working out, and if it fails you may wish to decided ahead of time who is leaving where you work. I think you have a disaster waiting to happen.

[foxdan]

Originally Posted by sera300

Affairs generally do not last, even after the spouses find out, pack up w/the kids, and file for a divorce. When both find themselves single, it seems the wonderful bond which was shared, in reality, suddenly vanishes. He loves his wife but wants more emotionally from you? Meaning he wants his cake & to eat it too. Don't hold too much hope for this working out, and if it fails you may wish to decided ahead of time who is leaving where you work. I think you have a disaster waiting to happen.

Why not put the feeling you have now into your marriage, Show your husband more than normal compassion and care and soon you will get it in return.
Try to change your day to day routine
Do one thing different each day
Love and the feeling of love is produced by a hormone and that what gives you that butterfly feeling. It eventually will wear off no matter who you are with

[Brandye]

Another office affair. Pattern for great pain for many people.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I would recommend that you and your husband seek counseling not on your affair but on your marriage. That is your primary relationship which must always take priority over any other relationships you may have.

As for your secondary male - keep it cool and under control. You are quite right in your understanding that this is not an emotional involvement. Remain "hard-hearted" toward him.

I would select another man for such adventures since the one you have seems too "needy" with his insistence upon you getting emotionally attached. Just gradually increase the distance and decrease the frequency. Fade it out.