Messy situation that's getting worse

[dragonflyaway]

Friday night I slept with a good guy friend of mine. I've wanted to hook up with him for a while now, but since I'm not into one night stands, I never persued him. Friday he needed a ride home, and unknowingly to me my best friend had told him a few hours earlier that I liked him. He already knew this, we got drunk a few weeks ago and I started rambling. But anyways. I was driving him home and he started rubbing my thigh. I looked at him funny, because while we have been flirting with each other for over a month now, neither one of us had taken it so far as to touch the other in a sexual way. he asked me if I wanted him to stop and I told him not to. It continued on like this for another 10 minutes with his hand slowly slipping between my legs. To make this shorter and less X-rated, let's just say it's a good thing I didn't get pulled over because we would have gone to jail for public indencecy.

We casually talked throughout all of this and I told him how I had promised my best friend I wouldn't have sex with him tonight. He told me we didn't have to, and I told him that we were going to have sex. We decided that we would keep it between ourselves to keep Destiny (my best friend) off my back, because she plays momma to me sometimes. And that about twice a month we'd hook up and have some fun. Oh, the reason she didn't want me having sex with him yet is because I was a virgin. Granted I didn't act like one, and I've done a LOT with guys and girls, I'm bi and she's gay, just fyi. But I had just never had sex. Virginity is something I've never given much importance, I still don't. I don't regret what happened the other night, but I am confused. Keep reading....

I told him it was my first time with a guy and he just grinned and said something dirty. *ahem* We got to his place and had sex for about 30 minutes when he came early because of what had been happening in the car. We were going to go again when everything cooled down, but then he started coughing up blood. (He's been really sick for a few weeks and is on medicine for it but it still happens when he gets excited or angry). I massaged him for a while and we listened to music. He kept getting sick and since he had to be at work in an hour, I decided I should go. He didn't really want me to go, but said that he didn't want me having to be alone at his place all day. He walked me out and kissed me goodbye for a few minutes and we decided that we would hook up saturday night too.

I got to our bar saturday night and he was having to work securtity, so he was busy. He gave me a hug and acted like nothing was different. I wasn't expecting him to because I knew that neither one of us is looking for a relationship. We are ****buddies. But being a girl, the girl I promised I wouldn't turn into because it was my first time, I started freaking out that he didn't want to be around me. Turns out it wasn't the case because he was busy, several bar fights. I found him later on and asked him if we were ok, he hugged me and rubbed my back and said we were good. But I still couldn't shake that feeling. Again, unknowingly to me, Destiny cornered him and told him not to hurt me. She figured out what we had done when she saw me earlier in the day. He said he wouldn't. Then she told him it was my virginity and he said he didn't know that. Appearently he didn't realize "I've never been with a guy before" ment "Hey baby I'm a virgin!!" I started drinking when she told me. He and I spoke a few more time throughout the night, and I asked him if I was "taking him home" and he said no b/c his brother and baby cousin were with him. *RED FLAG ALERT* Guys never never turn down sex, right?! I mean I understand if they were spending the night with him in his one bedroom place, but I don't know if that's what he ment. Later, once I'm very smashed, we were standing next to each other and our boss at the bar was doing a body shot. Somehow the topic of his getting pantsed on the bar the week before came up and he was blushing. I rubbed him back and said he had nothing to be worried about, he has a nice dick and I knew first hand. He laughed and smiled a little at me. One other thing I forgot to mention, is that while we were doing it, he said I had the best pussy he had ever ****ed. I laughed at him and told him he said that to everyone he ****ed. He looked me in the eyes and told me he wasn't lying. He's never lied to me before and isn't a liar, but I'm still not sure if I should believe that. I mean yea, mine is virgin tight and his last two girlfriends had already had kids, so um not as tight as it could be. I just don't know.

Except for a few kisses on the cheek and a few hugs, we didn't have much contact. Which before we had sex that's how it was. So what I'm needing to know from people more experienced than me and have done this kind of thing before, is did he use me for the done night or does it seem like he wants us to continue on with our ****buddy plan and he really was tired and just didn't want to have sex. Granted at that point, because of how long I had stayed over the night before, he hadn't had but maybe 2 hours sleep in almost 48 hours. Am I over reacting and should I wait to see how things go on Tuesday night when I see him? Or should I start preparing myself for the worst. OHHH, I forgot the most important thing of all; earlier in the day on friday he had found out that his ex whom he hadn't spoken to in over a month had a miscarriage with his baby and had been four months pregnant, he didn't know she was pregnant at all. While we were lying in his bed afterwards and talking about out first loves, she was his, I asked him if that's why he needed to have sex tonight and he told me no.
Help me!

[madeye]

coming from a guys perspective i can share some thoughts based on my experience dealing with a similar situation.

the two of you have flirted and developed a strong sexual tension, then he has some drinks and sex ensues.

The thing is if he is anything like me i find myself ashamed of myself when this situation happens.

if you spend some time just being friends and having fun. And then all of the sudden that friendship turns into an opportunity. an opportunity to have sex. So here is where us guys will have a devil and an angel on opposing shoulders having a mental war of how we should or shouldnt act.

So the factors of the sexual tension built up from flirting maybe some alcohol and the fact that he knew you were attracted to him. So those things add up to a good night of sex....... and at that point no feelings were hurt.

BUT the aftermath of this situation is very confusing as a guy as well. Cause things werent very balanced and didnt have a healthy start. you guys never dated you just hung out with friends and flirted. so no the guy doesnt really know what to do next. There is a strong feeling of pressure that if he trys to maintain a friendship that means your going to think its a relationship. and if he trys to avoid you then your going to think he is an ass hole.

and sometimes the truth may be none of these things. this is why the earlier sex gets involved the harder it is to manage the beginning phase of dating. you should have some freedom you should be going out on a date a week and let things develop while having the space to still be dating and meeting other people until things become more serious.

the fact that he knows he likes you and that he couldnt resist the early intamacy has put him in a spot of less options. he feels like like he has to choose A. be a huge jerk or B. become a boyfriend.

and you even said yourself that even though your intention was just friends your emotions reacted differently.

If i were you the best way to handle this is talk to him face to face and put this whole situation on the record "we had sex too soon, everything feels awkward, lets just take our time and enjoy some space and maybe this odd vibe will go away and we can actually go on a real first date" you dont want to be one of these women who puts this all on him, cause truth be told you know you could have stopped him and said its too soon for sex. so your both at fault and you both need to take some time and find a fresh start where you date before you have sex.

When i had a similar situation i did take the girl on a first date after we took some time apart and it was enlightening cause we just didn't click and it wasn't going to work. not saying you would have the same result but it felt good to kind of do the right thing and now today we are in serious relatioships of our own and we are very good friends to this day with no harbored negative feelings

[dragonflyaway]

Originally Posted by madeye

coming from a guys perspective i can share some thoughts based on my experience dealing with a similar situation.

the two of you have flirted and developed a strong sexual tension, then he has some drinks and sex ensues.

The thing is if he is anything like me i find myself ashamed of myself when this situation happens.

if you spend some time just being friends and having fun. And then all of the sudden that friendship turns into an opportunity. an opportunity to have sex. So here is where us guys will have a devil and an angel on opposing shoulders having a mental war of how we should or shouldnt act.

So the factors of the sexual tension built up from flirting maybe some alcohol and the fact that he knew you were attracted to him. So those things add up to a good night of sex....... and at that point no feelings were hurt.

BUT the aftermath of this situation is very confusing as a guy as well. Cause things werent very balanced and didnt have a healthy start. you guys never dated you just hung out with friends and flirted. so no the guy doesnt really know what to do next. There is a strong feeling of pressure that if he trys to maintain a friendship that means your going to think its a relationship. and if he trys to avoid you then your going to think he is an ass hole.

and sometimes the truth may be none of these things. this is why the earlier sex gets involved the harder it is to manage the beginning phase of dating. you should have some freedom you should be going out on a date a week and let things develop while having the space to still be dating and meeting other people until things become more serious.

the fact that he knows he likes you and that he couldnt resist the early intamacy has put him in a spot of less options. he feels like like he has to choose A. be a huge jerk or B. become a boyfriend.

and you even said yourself that even though your intention was just friends your emotions reacted differently.

If i were you the best way to handle this is talk to him face to face and put this whole situation on the record "we had sex too soon, everything feels awkward, lets just take our time and enjoy some space and maybe this odd vibe will go away and we can actually go on a real first date" you dont want to be one of these women who puts this all on him, cause truth be told you know you could have stopped him and said its too soon for sex. so your both at fault and you both need to take some time and find a fresh start where you date before you have sex.

When i had a similar situation i did take the girl on a first date after we took some time apart and it was enlightening cause we just didn't click and it wasn't going to work. not saying you would have the same result but it felt good to kind of do the right thing and now today we are in serious relatioships of our own and we are very good friends to this day with no harbored negative feelings

Thank you for your insight, it's given me a lot to think about. One thing though, I don't know if this changes things are not, but my dear best friend who doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut, while telling him not to hurt me, told him that I didn't expect anything serious from him. He said ok. Later in a drunk rambling I told him it didn't mean anything, though I was talking about the virginity thing, but I don't think I clarified that. oops.
I know I definatly need to talk to him. I didn't do it Saturday because I kept telling myself he was too busy and I didn't want to bother him. But really I just pussed out. I don't want to have that weird conversation and I don't want to loose him as a friend. But at the same time, I would still like to sleep with him again. I am so messed up in the head right now lol

[madeye]

relax a bit, your dealing with human emotions and the physical dynamics of mixing sex with that.

there are ways to make this easier on yourself, the first way is to leave your friend out of it. Talk to a different friend who will have a listening approach to helping you instead of a wierd active motherly approach.

dont bother giving her a speech about how she is out of place by talking to him. just cut her off and ignore that she has put her hat in this situation cause she has nothing to do with you and him. some people are just strange about these things and you cant change that you just have to work with what they offer.

dont be to hard on yourself and try to lower the expectations of whatever outcome may follow. sex is an emotionally dangerous avenue. so really try to keep your cool resist any and all expectations and just see the situation as is as it progresses.

this wont be easy for either of you, maybe you will just be friends maybe you will be friends with benefitis maybe you have serious potential and the only way you will geniunely discover the extent of this interaction is by keeping your cool and allowing some things to happen naturally and comfortably. you cant rush or pressure these things. your going to feel strange with each other and circumstance could limit the potential or heighten the potential you two will have.

The first step is honesty. admit that you like him as more than just a friend but that the pre mature sex is clouding your feelings. Im sorry but im not buying your vow for wanting him as a **** buddy, im going on my instinct by what i read and a significant part of you hopes for more and that is a thin line to walk.

so if thats true and your able to admit it to yourself admit it to him too and that the night of sex is really clouding up your mind and its just not healthy to be interacting this way. I really think he needs to feel like he has some space and is not in any pressure to make a decision of seriously dating you.

Its called an emotional take away, your sharing a moment of intimate honesty with him about your feelings and what had happened and he will be anticipating that your going to give him lots of attention in a clingy anoying gf way, and instead your going to take yourself away from him and give him time to daydream and really feel the void of you not being there and really consider thinking about you in a dating type fashion instead of a girl he thought he might regret sleeping with.

you sound like your good friends, and you sound like you are both physically attracted to each other and have acted out on this once. this has potential and if you so desire an attempt to see what the extent of the potential than i guess im suggesting you to try and play your cards right.

the other reason to give yourself space is that if he does make the mistake of blowing you off and passing on you as a girl he would want to date, then it will be easier to move on to better options with real potential. dont be that girl who settles as a friend with benefits cause she hopes it will become something more. Alot of women sub concisely play that hand and they almost always lose. so make sure you are asking yourself lots of questions, make sure you are true to yourself about how you feel and dont be afraid to risk losing him cause no reward comes without risk.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Ok please stop. Stop talking to your dear friend who can't keep her mouth shut. Stop talking to this guy. Stop going out and getting smashed. Stop getting so emotionally wrapped up. It was just sex, which is fine as it is; nothing more than that.

Instead, try hanging out at new places, trying new things, meeting new people. Get out there and get on with your life.