New relationship--not sure where it's headed.

[magamiako]

Greetings everyone,

I'd just like to start out by saying this entire website seems to be very helpful for a lot of things that I will be using during my relationship. But I decided I wanted some real world advice, though I know most of these answers for myself--I just would like some confirmation or maybe see it from a 3rd party to see how it will go.

I recently entered a relationship with someone and it's been about 6 years since any previous serious relationship. I'm 23 years old, and in a not-too-bad position in my life. (it's not the greatest, but it's not horrible either).

So moving into the relationship now.....

Her and I ended up getting together not because we felt massive attraction or lust for eachother, but because we were such good friends and had such the same viewpoints on a lot of things that it just felt natural that we could be more than just friends. We started out as friends on the internet (Through a video game, no less) and talked on the phone for the longest time, around 6 months or so. She finally decided to come over and hang out as just friends--and that's when things started moving along.

We had spent an entire day together out of "chance" that none of our other friends here could hang out. We went to video game parlors, saw a movie, and walked around the city for a little while. Nothing too fancy, and wasn't even anything I'd consider a date. But it started rolling in both of our minds.

A week later we took a spontaneous trip to another city, and once again ended up having a fantastic time just hanging out. We weren't together at this time, and while both of us may have started to think it or feel it, neither of us opened up to eachother about it. We just spent the day as friends and once again it made us even closer.

A week later she came over again and this time my friends could hang out. An unfortunate incident occurred where one of my friends overstepped on some things and I got pretty jealous and upset over it. My immediate defense mechanism was that I told her that I could no longer hang out with her if it was going to come between my friends of 10 years--and this is where it all started.

She opened up to me that she had such a great time with me and that we got along so greatly that she wasn't going to let me go that easily. We started hanging out and talking to eachother the rest of that week and finally she asked me if I wanted to be with her.

I of course said yes.

Fast forward a few weeks and we're at where we're at now. Our relationship is a bit tied by distance and a couple of other factors. We live about 1.5 hours of a drive apart and our work schedules kind of rotate so finding days off together can be difficult for some weeks. I still live at home so it's difficult for her to come over, and she's temporarily living at home until she finds an apartment herself.

So there are a lot of things pulling us together and yet there are some things keeping us apart realistically.

My question is: Because of the way this relationship has started off, do you think that we have an honest chance at something long term? I'm kind of looking for the long term at this point, despite what it may seem about my age--but I have never been the one to "get around". We are so close mentally at times that we have finished eachothers' thoughts, ideas, and sentences. We often times can "read" eachother--and on top of that we share a lot of basic things in common that 2 people don't normally share in common. We both come from rather uniquely difficult families, and I don't mean difficult as in parents who want to yell at you for staying out past 10PM.

What I can say is that I can be myself around her, which is the greatest feeling in the world to me. I'm such an eccentric person sometimes that most people find what I am interested in as kind of weird. Neither her nor I work at impressing eachother, and just be ourselves. An example of our eccentricity is that she and I spent a date together walking around a beach after it snowed, watching the ice crash up against the beach. It was very, very chilly outside. "Normal" people would end up having lunch, a movie, etc. We walked around a park in the freezing temperatures and played on swings.

Our dating style seems to point at 2 people that are unique interested in eachother, so to me it points that if both of us can resolve and work on what's holding us back, we may end up together for the long term survivability of the relationship.

Any feedback?

[magamiako]

Additions:

Things we have in common that otherwise would seem really strange.

1. We both have similar tastes in food. When we go to a sub place such as Wawa or Royal Farms, we both bolt for the Meatball subs. Nothing else compares.

2. We both enjoy weird dates. A "normal" fancy date is nice every once in a while, but what is unique to us is that we both enjoy the odd. Random walks places. The first time we hung out we walked around the downtown city and walked around a park and a neighborhood. Nothing fancy, just walking and talking. As an alternative to that, when I went to visit her we walked around the beach and a park, and just spent time hanging out together.

3. Both creeped out by zombie movies. Neither of us have ever watched the original "Night of the Living Dead" all the way through.

4. Both of us have a weird thing with houses and needing lights turned on--don't ask

5. We can finish eachothers' sentences and ideas. Almost as if we were twins. She's done it to me before and I did it to her. Completely passively...

We can be eachothers' best friend as well as lover. Things feel so "right" with her that it's just surreal. We "march to the same drum" as they put it and I've never felt this close to someone.

Keep in mind it was all of these qualities that brought us together, not a lustful desire.

[sera300]

I think you are doing is everything right. Keep working at it, despite the distance and both living at home--give it time. As far as family backgrounds being different, if you believe this will be a long-term relationship perhaps w/ potential for committment; be certain to discuss the family differences (ie:cultural fincancial) and what impacts they would have on your lives, and what you both expect for your own lives. Communicate...

[Raidenator]

It sounds to me like things are going well between you two. Supposedly the best relationships start out as friends, and if it really is as you say it is I don't think it should be a problem.

Once you get into a more stable relationship I think that things will start to even out, as in you'll find more time to be together and the like so as long as you keep working at it, time shouldn't be too much of a problem.

You mentioned that she had a problem with your 'best' friends. This is something your gonna have to watch out for, you don't want having your friends hating your girlfriend. In my opinion, the best way to a girls heart is through her friends. As long as they like you then your in, and I think it goes vice-versa. Just try to avoid hanging out with them all together at once so that problems don't arise in which you'll have to choose. But also don't be spending too much time with her that you never find time for you friends, because it can be a killer.

Hope that helps.

[magamiako]

I figured I'd post an update to this and see what everyone thinks.

We recently had a bit of a problem with eachother and got into a major fight. It almost drove us to actually split apart because it got us both to the point that maybe we weren't quite ready to be together as we had originally thought.

We both ended up taking a few steps back. We both re-evaluated the entire situation, the good, the bad, the ugly--and then evaluated what we see for our futures.

After taking a long hard look at where the relationship was heading before her and I really start to took off, we both have concluded that this is quite possibly a long term thing.

I know it sounds kind of strange because it's weird to even think about this this early in a relationship. At the same time, the ability to step back and take a look at what we both want I think will ultimately really help us in the long term so that we aren't making a mistake by committing to eachother.

Right now our biggest issue at the moment is building trust with eachother.

I'm still unsure how to approach the sex issue though. We haven't really done anything to that extent yet. I'll probably bring it up in a few weeks...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Civil discussions are okay but fighting is not. If you cannot converse about a topic either you're too close to it or you are being too emotional - back off and take it up later.

[sera300]

Before you go into the trust issues & sex discussions; learn to talk, communicate well....When you have done this, then continue on.

[magamiako]

I don't think we have too much trouble talking so much as we both are slightly stubborn at the moment.

I think the biggest issue right now between us is that neither of us have ever actually been in a relationship to the point of compromise. And both of us want to be together. She's always been in relationships where others have given in to her every will or she they have completely dominated her and taken control of her.

Neither of them she was satisfied with.

Between her and I, we both have our wants and needs. We are both very stubborn. But this could be a good thing when in comparison to the other relationships. Because we are both in the same situation with eachother, I believe that we can work out some compromises. Whereas she doesn't give in to everything I want and neither me to her.

We didn't exactly fight, at least not verbally yell at eachother. It was more like, very honest talking about where we both stand. We didn't raise our voice levels really.

As weird as it sounds, the relationship sounds like it may actually go somewhere. Tons of red flags have come up on all fronts. I've had friends tell me to avoid her, previous boyfriends of hers to tell me to avoid her. She's had all the normal ones come up to her.

But at the same time, her and I, despite our weird relationship, have this click. And I think this click is what will hold us as we work out the other issues at hand

[foxdan]

What I see is two people of the opposite sex that have found there best friend (sole mate)
No one has the right to tell you at your age who you can and can’t see, and if they were truly your friend they will accept your relationship.
Fighting is all part of a relationship if we never got emotional then it will not be a relationship the most important thing is that what the fight is about is resolved,
What you say that you stood back and looked at the relationship did you find more good times than bad if the answer is yes then you are on the right track.
Having a relationship that is open can only lead to better lovemaking.
Go for it, from what you are saying you are made for each other

[sera300]

If you both are stubborn then you have to realize this, and learn to accept the other's views. You are not required to like the other's view but you have to accept them it's what makes you different. Both of you have to learn to give in, it's about compromise.