Oral Sex: The Double Standard Is In My New Relationship!

[Jillybilly862]

Hi! I'm new to this board, so first let me wave enthusiastically and nod my head at you all in a friendly fashion. I really am happy to be here, because I have a question, and I am in terrible need of some advice. Preferably a lot of it.

So I'm dating a guy who is younger than me. Only by a year, but he has less experience than I do. The relationship itself, let me start by saying, is just wonderful. He's sweet, sensitive and always attentive to my needs. The sex is great as well; not mind-blowing, but it's getting there. Now, I'm usually not embarrassed to speak out and let him know what I want or need, but I've noticed he's very hesitant about giving me oral sex. Scratch that, actually, not hesitant--he's terrified, it seems! He won't even kiss my stomach or my thighs, and I think it's because he's worried I'll think he might do it. Which is funny, but the situation is not so funny, alas.

I go down on him quite often. I don't find this particularly pleasant; it's quite difficult for me, actually, but I do it because it makes him happy and I know nothing feels quite the same. The problem is, I need to feel him as well. Leaving out the fact that I need oral stimulation to orgasm, I'd like for him to, you know, kiss my body and not stop at my breasts. He doesn't have to set camp down there, but he won't even go near the area! And yes, it's something I need. It's something I want and miss.

I gently asked about it and he said he "just doesn't like it". I let go of it--this is still a fresh relationship, only two months, but this oral sex thing is becoming more and more of an issue. The thing is, I'm pretty sure his "doesn't like it" stems from lack of experience. In all truth, I believe he's never tried it, and I don't want to embarrass him or make him feel bad by bringing that up; but I think maybe, if he sees what it does to me, and it really does things to me, he'd like to do it at least once in a while. Not that I think it should be tit for tat (no pun intended!), but if I can try to make him happy, I'd like to think he'd do the same for me. He's always very eager to satisfy me so I don't understand why this is so tricky.

Any advice on how to bring this up in a way that won't make him uncomfortable or guilty? I wouldn't want to be laying there thinking he's hating every second. I just want him to try, I suppose.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the length. I'm highly flustered.

[cyclefreak]

Maybe talk to him gently and tell him that you really like it. Then when you are together, take the lead a bit and gradually direct him to that area so that he gets used to it. Perhaps do it in stages. If he sees that you enjoy it, then he may start to enjoy it himself. After all, if he's never done it before, he doesn't know what to expect.

[sera300]

I think you need to find out if he has not done it or just does not like it. The man I was engaged to began early on in the relationship with a little oral...if he did it, it was quick, then over time about 2 months, all oral ended. He did not like the feeling of me going down on him and he would not do the same for me. Well, this turned into a big barrier in our relationship b/c he said oral was only for "special occasions" (go figure) and needless to say we never had a "special occasion" again!!! Okay...he just would not be honest with me about this, I can also tell you it's not that I forgot to shower...had an unusual odor, etc. It was his hang up. One I could not live with either (there were other issues in our relationship beyond this one...but this was a big one).

If it's due to inexperience he may warm up to the idea when he knows what to do. But I would tend to say not much is going to change so only you know if you can leave oral out of part of your relationship...Men who do not like it generally will aviod it like the plague.

[coveresid]

You may never find out why he doesn't like oral sex. With an answer like " just doesn't like it", there isn't much to talk about. There are so many reasons I've heard about guys who don't like to give oral sex. They think it is dirty to put their mouth their, they don't like the smell, afraid of the juices they have to taste, or maybe they just think it is dirty sex and it is something they shouldn't do. There is going to have to be more discussion and this could end up being a deal killer just like Sera300. Maybe he is never going to enjoy giving oral sex because of his hang-ups. You would need to ask yourself if you can go without oral for the other things he does.

I have a hard time relating why he wouldn't want to since I love giving oral sex. I could camp down there every day if she would let me. There are many times after giving oral I won't wash my face just so I can let the scent remain for me to enjoy longer. So you may need to help teach him how much you need it and help him get over the hesitation because I see this as a long term relationship killer. I love what it does for her along with the scent, texture, softness, and even licking up the juices she produces. In my opinion, oral sex is too great of a thing not to have both for her and for myself to give.

I had just the oposite problem with her giving me oral sex. She felt like it was a bad thing to do, that good girls don't do that kind of thing, so she was always a little hesitant to go down on me. But after some time and discission, she realized that it was fine to do and something I really got a lot of pleasure from, so she will give me oral. It kind of works to my advantage in that she sees oral as something she was prohibited from doing, and now that she can, it is even more erotic. Many times when I am down on her and she is really enjoying it, she just has to have my cock in her mouth to finish. So she slids around and takes my cock in her mouth. I then get a different view of her vulva and get to continue licking and sucking up her juices. She just loves the 69 position.

[cjb1981]

I am in the same exact situation as you, we've even been dating for the same amount of time. The only difference is that I'm a guy, who goes down on her, but she won't go down on me. I have no idea what to do about it either I kind of think that maybe it's a control thing, atleast in my situation.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay time to be hard. You give what you get. No more oral sex for them. No need to discuss it, since they obviously won't discuss it, no need to fuss, just stop. Gradually open up your schedule and seek out other, more, relationships with more open-minded partners. Byt this time they will wake up and notice. Then you can re-open the discussion with someone who realises that they might be a bit too rigid in their thinking.

It isn't about the sex, per se, it is about their unwillingness to work with you on a topic/issue that is important to you.

[ua322]

If you truly think he's just afraid of failing or intimidated by the fact that he probably won't measure up to what you've had in the past, then I recommend this: the next time you two are in a moment of wild passion, just press his head down there and tell him how bad you want it.

That should break the ice. As a guy, that would drive me wild.

If he refuses then you need to acknowledge the fact that your days of receiving oral are over as long as you're with him.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If you accept his terms as being unchanging, then it is time for you to move on.

[Jillybilly862]

Thank you so much to everyone for the replies. It was especially nice to hear what a guy would like--and the rest of the opinions were true and wonderful. I feel better about this. He's in Europe for the week but when he comes back I'm planning a sexy surprise for him... One that would include a string thong he'd have to untie with his mouth. That'll lead him to the right direction at least, and coax a conversation. Hm...

Anyway, thanks. I find this board very helpful!

[madeye]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Okay time to be hard. You give what you get. No more oral sex for them. No need to discuss it, since they obviously won't discuss it, no need to fuss, just stop. Gradually open up your schedule and seek out other, more, relationships with more open-minded partners. Byt this time they will wake up and notice. Then you can re-open the discussion with someone who realises that they might be a bit too rigid in their thinking.

It isn't about the sex, per se, it is about their unwillingness to work with you on a topic/issue that is important to you.

dam you took the words out of my mouth.

Im a huge fan of oral sex..... i mean i love it! i just wouldnt be interested in pursuing a relationship with a women who was closed off on oral sex. The fact that alot of women dont enjoy giving head only means that the ones who are willing to anyways will learn to enjoy the act for the pleasure it gives me and the pleasure that comes in return. and that means alot! in a relationship. Just the idea that you GAIN by sacrifice (kind of making it really not a sacrifice at all)

if someone cant do that for me than plain and simple my needs are not being met and its time to go different ways.

I just love LOVE giving and getting oral sex more often than not.

so i think you can classify people into 3 groups, 1. people who love it 2. people who do it for the sake of pleasurable foreplay/the return favor and 3. people who just dont like it at all (receiving or giving)

in my world if you dont like to give it then you better just be prepared to expect not to get it.