Short question regarding no contact from girlfriend

[sidjtd]

Ok, I made a huge post that's still on top, so forgive me for making a new thread. But I thought I'd make a shorter thread to make it easier for some people to answer..... (and I think its slightely different in focus than my other topic)

EDIT: Ok, so it ended up long anyway. I may close this if I find that its too similiar to my previous post. Thanks for looking.

What does it mean when a girl you are going out with is totally sending you mixed messages? Here is what is going on:

Good signals:
-Usually responds when my hand reaches for hers by grabbing and gentle touching inbetween our fingers.
-Occasionally reaches for my hand from herself, wants to hold my hand
-More often than not, leans against me when sitting side by side. Makes little exhale sound of relief.
-Thanks me for making an appearance to wherever when we are having fun. (it is very rare she verbally "welcomes" my presence so when she does, it leaves a big impression on me. She just lacks a lot of verbal self-expression about relationships so far in general)
-Extended hugging and face rubbing is a part of our saluation/meeting ritual (I know the hugging isnt quite a big deal...)
-We kiss and we have frenched. We still kiss on occasion casually and lightly. However we only frenched once, and the first time was me AND her in each other. But the 2nd time, I sorta jumped to it and she was noticeably slightely jumped at the tongue coming in. I mean, yeesh, we've done this before and its fun, whats up with her being so hesitant?

-Is not cheating on me (I am positive about this, and even if she was cheating on me I'd instantly break up with her so I wont be so confused like I am now)

-Verbally said (in person) she wanted to stay going out with me when I suggested that this long distance isnt working and perhaps she wanted to date someone else such as : _______ or ________.......

-Despite not taking initiative to become alone with me, she will really really want me to join activities such as concerts and dancing.


Bad signals:
-hardly calls back, if ever. When she does, calls are brief and conversations quite lame at best. I've stopped calling so I'll see how things go from here on.
-Does not take initiative to make plans for us to become alone.
-Zero initiative on cuddling at night (in fact, she does not seem interested in doing so, despite us doing it for 2 nights in a row when she came to see me, she seemed to have decent fun and even trying some petting and kissing from herself!)
-Overall does not like being touched. Its like she doesn't feel pleasure from being touched almost.



Keep in mind how I've given this girl an opportunity to leave me, to "give it a break" or "break up completely" for whatever reason. I said perhaps you're lonely, need someone local that loves you, perhaps the distance is stressing you out...perhaps I'm turned out to be something you didn't expect me to become. The point is, she hasn't broken up with me.


Its so weird, I dont get it. I really want her to show that she loves me and express how happy she is, I want her to explore my mind or my body, both or one of them, it doesnt bother me. And yet things seem so dry.

I am supposedly her first true relationship she's had in her whole life. She's a virgin. I dont know why she acts t he way she does. She works at a self-admitted crap job, no college education, 21, and is not leading anywhere in life.

Meanwhile, I have a car, 22, college educated, extremely motivated about learning and about life compared to people around her (most guys around her are very nice people, but very lame being in the early 20's with no intention of going to school, working at wal-mart and playing video games and smoking pot all day......)


I dunno.

Its just confusing. I just had to vent. Thanks for listening, or at least accepting my message. Just posting it alone really makes me feel relaxed.

[sera300]

What does all the signals mean? You have some positive ones and a few negative ones but the negative ones are pretty substantial. Is she an introvert? Does she have any social skills? Suffer from depression?

Why I ask this is she (from what you wrote) does not seem very excited to see you, especially for a man who just traveled all this distance to see her. Not knowing how to act as far as getting close, when to hold hands, etc. I could attribute to her just having no clue what to do. But if her conversations are short, can she afford to call you long distance?

Her lack of enthusiasm is the concern that I see as the major downfall here. Which is why I asked some of the above questions...need some answers!

[EvilEvilKitten]

If a girl sends you 'mixed messages' you move on. Be polite but nothing more. You say she hasn't broken up with you? Guy, you DON'T have a relationship - you have a mess. Just stop having anything to do with her. No 'Galahad' behavior. Either she steps up or you step off.

[sidjtd]

Its really her lack of enthusiasm that's killing me.

And yet, I just think she doesn't know how to express herself.


To put things in context, I think I'm the *only guy* in her whole life (up to now) to be able to snuggle with her so closely, be spooning with her in bed, to have kissed her, and its a fact that in her social circle of friends and parents that Im her boyfriend and I am extremely liked by absolutely ALL of her friends.

As I said in my other topic, she is really prude.


You are right though, we don't have a relationship at all. We are barely incapable of seeing each other regularily. And she's making no effort to maintain it. And yet, what's up with her not wanting to break up and send signals of (very small but still...) positive signals?


Im very tempted to call it off, but she's in a fragile position, and frankly, call me silly for this but I almost destroyed a friendship over liking someone and it not working out. I really want to be friends with her.

Don't get me wrong, if she hates me that's out of my control. I'm not going to get bummed out over it. But I don't want to instigate the cause.


Im thinking of just seeing local girls and trying to get more girlfriends (even if we aren't going out) and just let her hang a bit since she obviously isn't making this work or making it end.....

Is that wrong of me? I used to think it was, which is why I was struggling but now I think its only fair.....

[sera300]

Over all, I have to admit I agree with EEK...however, given that I do understand that given time people come to their own conclusions regarding their relationships and MAYBE a few may be salvageable and worthwhile.

I do not feel this is any real relationship for you, maybe to her it's normal but to the remainder of the world it's bizarre at best. She may not know how to express herself well BUT I think back to my first real boyfriend when I was 14...I showed a hell of a lot more interest then this woman who is 21! She has friends and family around, she sees how they act in relationships and continues to act indifferent to you.

Okay, if she is a prude so be it, but other women are virgins and do have an interest in closeness with their honey. Perhaps she is frigid...there could be 100's of explainations. The real question is; do you really want to hang around to find out if you are receiving nothing (emotionally) here? You are making excuses for her behavior yet getting upset with her apathy.

Did the 2 of you ever decide/agree you would see each other exclusively? If not, you are free to persue any relationship. Let her go for a while and let her initiate contact. If you don't hear from her then call in say 2 weeks, since you want to keep her as a friend, and just keep the conversation polite and simple like a friendship (not a relationship). The small gestures she has been giving you I would attribute to her just being nice. Is your attitude wrong? Nope. It's just taking you time to deduce the correct answers.

Go on-line and check out some dating profiles & get out with some friends and meet some women...it will do you a world of good.

[sidjtd]

"You are making excuses for her behavior yet getting upset with her apathy."

The only reason why Im hanging in is because I really like her; but also, I am willing to work with her to change if that's what she WANTS to do. Have a push behind her back.

Overall Im upset because Im confused.
I gave her the choice to break up with me and we're still going out. And yet she's acting unappreciative of me.

I admit Im being incredibly patient with her, and I really reached my limit so Im going to go meet and see other people definetly.

For the record she showed interest in me by coming to see me in Cali on her year paid vacation. That's where we confessesd our love for each other. It was so incredibly touching.

I dont know where that girl went. I told her that perhaps she's tired of me, perhaps she's interested in someone else. I know Im getting repetitive but I just dont get it, so like you said,I need time. Thats all. Thanks for your replies so far.

[sera300]

Just keep hanging babes...let yourself sort through it all and see what else is out there, for now! If it's meant to be it will!!! ~Kim

[orodel]

If you really want her don't give up just yet. I think if she breaks your heart you will be able to get over it, but if you give up now you may look back and think about what could have been.

[emily_11]

maybe shes just as confused as you?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Did any of you 'hold out' people think that maybe she needs to wake up and stop taking him for granted? By his moving away from her - she'll get that wake up call. If he continues as he is, she'll just continue in the same pattern and nothing will change. She has this boy trained.

Guy - nothing will happen unless you make it happen.