1st post ever: Regarding how to loosen up a prude girls attitude Im dating.

[sidjtd]

Hi there. As much as I use the internet and email, I've never came to too many message boards. Hopefully this will prove to be helpful community and I'll be able to assist others in their time of need. Here goes!


Heres my situation in a nutshell:

I've been dating this girl from Oregon from back in late October. I am a California resident with 12 hours away. I'm having a concern about how to make our current relationship advance forward: Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.


Heres the detailed version: (very long.....)

Heres the story: I'm 22, and I've never had a serious relationship before and quite frankly gave up a bit finding girls for a certain time period due to recent life events and just never finding anyone in my life that I really felt a huge thump in my heart for. But then it all changed with this encounter.

I met this wonderful lady (21) when I visited Oregon to see my friend. This girl was my friends co-worker. We really liked each other, but I had no intention of a long distance relationship. I did my thing with my friends, partied, and Liz and I were just really cool friends with a huge admiration for each other. No real flirting of any sorts as far as I can tell, but it could have happened had I been a local. (or the drive being less than half of 12 hours one way!!!)

I suddenly understood what love at first sight was.

She shared the same feelings, as I would later find out. She visits me at Cali a month or 2 later. I did not know what was on her mind at the time, so rather than potentially ruining the friendship with a tricky long-distance I did my best to entertain her and let her have as much fun as possible. Well, as the day she was going to leave was approaching, I couldnt take it anymore so I just confessed my feelings to her about how much I liked her and would have asked her out if we were not so damn far from each other. Well, a few questions after another with a dizzy head and huge passion lead to us completely making out and becoming a couple from that day forward. We didn't do anything more than heavy kissing and touching. She would not "fight" back at me touching her breasts or butt, but she would immediately move my hand suggesting that was going a bit too fast for her. I respected that and still do.

I should also mention that she said she was a virgin, and from multiple other sources (her guy-friends, girl-friends, parents...all spoken seperately) tell me she's never been in a real relationship before and she's also sexually inexperienced. SoI have plenty of evidence to believe she's telling the truth.


No regrets about the asking-out decision, however...

Anyway we've had huge chemistry for our few visits together, but when I went to see her on her 21st (only about a month since she came to see me), she was noticeably distance and non-cuddly. Immediately I thought she was either tired of me, interested in someone else, or tired of the long distance. Our incompatibility seemed so enormous I was pretty shocked and disapointed on many levels.

I smelled BS and so talked to her about it (without falsely accusing anything) and just saying she seemed uninterested and so I gave her the immediate option of just ending it. She was not interested in doing so. No matter how hard I tried I couldnt catch her for being unfaithful, or being uninterested. I realized that perhaps her attitude is really just a lack of being in a relationship.


She tells everyone Im her boyfriend and I even met her dad. She made me meet her best friends to make sure they all "approve" of me. I passed all of them, and am quite pleased in that respect.


And yet she's so..."prude". She said she wants to remain a virgin until marriage and I can respect that. It doesnt particularily bother me since (as horrible as this may sound to some) I may find a sexual outlet somewhere else. However, my problem with her lies in the fact that she's so protective of her body and being "prude".

The reason why I was so shocked when I went to see her in her home ground was because she would never be by my side actively (it has to happen because of me, or she wants to practically sit next to where I happen to be sitting) and isnt cuddly in bed. She would cuddle with the dog. I noticed she liked cuddling with the cat more when we slept in Tahoe too (although we'd have our fun too)


I should mention the only fun times in bed was when she was in Tahoe.

Im just so confused now. I think Im really being a nice guy by complying to her uninterest in sexual intercourse till marriage but as a guy, I really feel like I need at least someone fun of cuddling, kissing, and who knows, just casual-naked unawkwardness. I've had a relationship like that before and its very freeing to be able to be so free in front of someone.


Conclusion and where to move from here?:

So now that I know she really likes me (in her own way) and doesnt want to end it and has no interest in dating anyone else, I am still with her. However, if she doesn't trust her body to me when I'm respecting her non-sex wish, I find it kind of annoying.

She's a great girl and I'm willing to be patient with her and slowly get her guard down. Is it so much to ask that I can kiss her freely, hug her and be hugged, snuggle in bed, and maybe some touching? I really think she's missing out on a great aspect of guy-girl relationships and she almost seems to have an aversion to it. She's only kisses me from herself once, when she came to see me in Cali. Last time we kissed she almost seemed to freak out at the tongue aspect when I did it again (despite us doing it all night when she came to Cali on that night)



Isnt it weird?
Its like she has some reluctance to open up to me. And yet there's no evidence from everything and anything that's she wants to break up. In fact she only seems to get more pleasure from me hanging out with her on special events like dancing and concerts and everything.

I sometimes feel like Im a trophy-boyfriend that isnt being appreciated. I don't feel bad about finding a local girl anymore to get some immediate closeness and maybe some actual sex but I'm keeping it with this girl because she isn't breaking up and I feel like there is a long-term future associated with this. I do want to get romantic with her.

Hell, I dont even have to have sex with her: I want her permission to be able to have sex (or do sexual things) with her, even if we actually dont do anything. Does that make sense? The fact that she's not completely trusting me despite me being the only person she's come this far this makes me wonder if its worth pursuing to loosen her up or to give it up and just find a more local chick.

Sorry its so long but please share your thoughts on this if possible. Thankyou so much everyone.

[dancingdoc2]

Tahoe, huh? Well there are or at least used to be two very nice adult motels at Stateline Southshore. You might want to check them out.

As for her being somewhat standoffish, this might just be the time of the month, although what is more likely is that your long distance relationship has not had much time together in order to create an emotional bond. I think you are expecting too much from so far away. The distance between you will probably slow your progress in this area so just give things some time.

Is she shy or simply reserved with regard to her body? There is a difference and if it is the latter, then I think you have to understand that this is tied directly to trust, confidence, and being comfortable with each other, three characteristics of a relationship that will come with more time together and a deeper understanding of each other.

Your constant use of the term "prude" bothers me. Slow down and work on developing the internal structure of your relationship. Intimacy will come out of that if it is going to.

[sidjtd]

I apologize for the repeated usage of the term prude, I didn't know the meaning myself till she said it, and she used it to describe herself when we were having a conversation. Are you bothered by it because I use it repeatedly, or because the word itself is not a kind one?

I appreciate her honesty in this regards but still, I was a bit annoyed. Its just a bit annoying because as much as I like her a lot, I've been putting this dating thing as much as possible but she seemed to push so hard to make this strong bond happen and so it did and I caved in (with no real regrets) and I've been pretty happy until recently. The phonecalls are dead and seem like a chore,

What I don't feel happy about is since we've been going out, it seems that her fascination for me has dwindled, despite the fact that she wants to go out with me still, is most certainly not cheating (it would have been so much easier for me to deal with this situation if she was, just break up. But since she isnt I have no reason to be upset at her....) and over New years we had a blast, but more as a friendship than dating material it seems like.

Our recent touching consists of her resting her head on my chest or shoulder. Holding hands. She gave me a light lip kiss when the clock struck 2007. Aside from this she really just does not physically get kinky, so to speak.

She doesn't seem to put forth the effort to become alone with me when I'm up there (as if she doesnt want to become alone with me) and yet the fact I take these as "she wanting to break up" signs seems completely wrong since...simply put she seems adequately pleased that we're going out. Its no secret to her friends who I am.


Sorry for repeating break-up over and over, but trust me I dont try to suggest that option to her frequently so she doesnt get too distraught by it, in fact I've only suggested it once in respect of assuming she WAS tired of me, since her unfriendly attitude spoke to me at the time as her not being interested in maintaining the relationship.

Basically I've come to a point where she would probably almost never call me unless I do, and she's financially incapable of visiting me. I mean, these seem like pretty obvious red-flags. At one point I knew they were, but learning about her more made me realize its prbably just her personality. She's like a guy almost, and I'm almost the girl.


So my confusion comes from the fact that, her actions all speak "uninterested" despite the fact that all the information I gather from her friends, her words and responses are that she wants to go out with me.

Its just so confusing.

--------------

In other news, Im thinking maybe if I go into hibernation in our relationship, not calling her or emailing her at all. Completely waiting for her to contact me. Afterall, she doesn't respond to my calls that prompty anyway (if at all, sometimes.)

See? More red flags, in any other relationship I would see it as that at least. and yet, all I hear is (from her friends and INDIRECTLY from her...since she doesnt express herself fully....) that Im her first true boyfriend and there's no intention of a breakup, whatsoever. So confusing.......

[sera300]

If you remain unsure of what to do and don't want to just end the relationship then back off of her for a while...let it cool down. Let her contact you and let her put forth some effort. Let her express some interest.

Either she has no idea of how to behave in a relationship (I find that hard to believe since she is around other couples such as friends and family) or she does not know how to end a relationship. I think you have to ask yourself if this is her being herself; does she give you what you want in a relationship (not sexually)? Is this a good place to start?

Regardless of how new she is to dating, she should be excited to see you and be willing to put a closeness between you without being overly physical. I would think she would want to use every opportunity to get to know you through exchanging e-mails, phone calls, letters, etc. Her lack of interest is what would concern me...

I would let it go for a while and see what she does next before making any judgements and continue on with your own life for now. If you don't hear from her in a week, if you really want an answer, then call her and put it on the line by being open and honest. Just because she is inexperienced in relationships does not provide a good excuse for being cold to you. My opinion only.

[ua322]

I dated a girl very similar to this at one time. In her case, it was primarily a religious issue (saving herself for marriage), an inability to trust (her dad had cheated on her mom), and a complete lack of romantic urges.

Like you, I felt like the "trophy boyfriend" since she was always proud to show me off, but there was no depth to our relationship whatsoever. The only reason I pursued it was because I was so inexperienced myself.

10 years later, she's in her 30's and I think she's still single. No big surprise there. You simply can't get close to anyone if you are unable to be intimate or trusting.

I would confront this girl about it. Explain to her that you think you need to split and tell her why. I did not explain that to Andrea, but I wish I would have. Maybe she could have changed in the future for her own good had I been blatantly honest and blunt with her.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Let her go.
Just stop and think about this for a minute. You are her trophy boyfriend that she can trot out to keep the local boys at bay without ever having to deal with you directly as her boyfriend. How sweet a deal is that? All the perks and none of the responsibility! You're her "I've got a boyfriend" excuse!
Guy, she's 21 - if she really wanted to be with you, then she'd be with you! This on and off thing just is her way of keeping you on a leash.

As for asked for her permission - PFFFT! To heck with that! Grow a set and get out there and find someone who REALLY wants you.

[sidjtd]

Heh, well, EvilEvilKitten, I'll tell you what, you are right.

I know you probably don't want to hear it, but I'll tell you what though. This girl came all the way from Oregon to Cali, using her own money and 1 week paid vacation she gets in once in a whole YEAR to come and see me. At the time, I had no interest in dating her because it was long distance. But of course, our attraction to each other couldnt help itself.

For me and her both, it was an attraction we've never had before.
I've comfirmed with multiple sources, including herself, that I've been her only boyfriend that meant something.

Yeah yeah, I know this sounds really cheesy and its ok for you to be suspicious, but I've talked to some people close to her and they've said she's never dated in the years he's known her.


But I will awknowledge for you, EEK, that this of course doesnt change the attitude she has against me and what's the best course for my own self-interest. Im strongly leaning toward breaking this up and I agree with you.

I wanted to be nice to her because she is emotionally vague and just not used to opening up. Just from her attitudes I experienced, she is a sweet-heart and she was always talking about me.

So really, its just a damn mystery what her change in attitude is.
Although Im curious to understand why she changed, (hence, her wanting to date someone else would be a really EASY considering I wont at least be damn confused) I am not interested in pursuing her for much longer since why she's acting this way is starting to become less and less relevant as I feel unappreciated.


Oh, EEK, I have a date set for this weekend. A girl from Sanfran is driving 4 hours just to see me ;D Thanks for your support and in-your-face-no-joke attitude. Its refreshing.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by sidjtd

.....A girl from Sanfran is driving 4 hours just to see me....

Maybe you ought to try to find someone local for a change. If you're complaining about awkward relationships, then this long distance thing is part of your problem.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Thank you for your appreciation - so often I am not considered 'touchy-feely' enough to suit people.
Hence the lack of rep points. I had one once. But someone thought my support of a 20 something woman dating a 40 something man - obscene.

[sidjtd]

Maybe you ought to try to find someone local for a change.


Well to me, San Fran is a huge local presence. She doesnt live 4 hours, actually. More like 2 hours. 3 max. I dont think that's your point, though. But let me explain what I think is your post in the next reply.

But I just don't know how to meet people "locally" especially because Im in a place where people are more outdoorsy, so I havent figured out a way to meet people yet. I meet people through the internet and through friends, whom are most often than not, geeks of some sort. Im a slight geek, I love outdoors activity but I havent gotten into the whole winter sports thing yet. I dont ski (yet) or anything. Mostly because I have no gear whatsoever. I plan to change that...but still.

I've met fantastic people so far. If I lived in a major city Im sure I'd therefore make local friends since I'd be able to meet local people who post ads online.