I slept with my friend

[RosieLee]

I would really appreciate hearing some viewpoints from others about this.

L and I have been friends for about 13 years. Initially, he was my big brother's best mate and then we developed a friendship of our own too. We have a lot in common and have always got on very well - we have one of those friendships where you can talk everyday easily or not for weeks but when you do speak it's with exactly the same ease.

About 6/7 years ago we had a few drunken evenings where we ended up kissing and a little more but I always said no to sex - i didn't want to overstep this boundary. Nevertheless, things remained the same between us. We've always been very open about being attracted to one another and there have been more occasions over the years where we nearly ended up in bed.

Then two years ago I was raped. I live about 300 miles away from L but he came up every weekend to just be there for me. We (obviously) didn't flirt or even hint at anything sexual. He was just there. If I wanted to stay in and watch dvd after dvd, we did, when I was nervous about going out and being around people he stayed with me. He listened to me talking through counselling and how I felt and my deepest fears.

At that time I had a boyfriend who wasn't willing to be near me after the attack but went mad about L being with me so much. So I pushed L away - not very clever of me.

We had some sporadic contact which was friendly but distant. Then a few months ago I had a phone call. He was in my town for a birthday and couldn't find his hotel, could he stay with me. He got here and one thing led to another. At first I said I didn't want to sleep with him because I didn't want it to be a one night stand - he mentioned it had been about 12 years of foreplay so there's no way it was a one nighter. He told me it felt right kissing me and he was right, it should have been weird and it wasn't. The next morning everything was the same as it always was, jokey good friends.

We've been in touch pretty much constantly since then and he came up again this weekend just gone. When he arrived we just spent hours talking, eating and drinking and then ended up in bed again. We both wanted it -and again the next morning.

Since he left we've made jokes about friends with benefits and that it's a good job we're not living in the same city because then it would be like a relationship. And they've left me feeling a bit hollow.

This is someone I've known for years and years. Someone who knows practically everything about me and I don't know what i want. Should I take the bull by the horns and talk it through with him? I'm actually pretty sure he doesn't want a relationship with me but I'm also sure it's not just sex. So what do you reckon? long distance friends with benefits? Just friends who made a mistake?

Any objective opinions would be very welcome - thank you

[Luvs2plzU]

Well the pair of you are really "friends with benefits" for sure!! LOL...that's a good thing for now ..You have someone you can "trust"...you have a good history with him.. he has someone he can trust and he has good history with you.You guys are GREAT FRIENDS,that is the KEY to a great relationship. Can the two of you "make" the relationship work if you are living a distance apart? The reason he may have said "its a good job we're not in the same city" is because he probably has the same feelings for you and knows in his heart that the pair of you would be "connected" if you did live in the same city. If the pair of you are held apart by job situations 2 things can be done, one of you quits and relocates(risky business), or you continue your amiable "friends with benefits" relationship for now,just keeping your expectations a bit lower(regarding an exclusive relationship with each other), but honestly communicating with him that you just "might" like a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship some day soon..Always remain being great friends and it will happen..

[Newtolove]

hm difficult one you must talk to him or just move on you must both be clear on what you want

[osundayo]

if u were to decide to have a relationship with him

that wuld be the sweetest thing ever

[cyclefreak]

Hmm, you think you might have made a mistake, but it doesn't sound like that to me. Lets see, you have been friends for years, you are comfortable in each others company, you went to bed together and it felt right, and the friendship felt the same afterwards. Sounds to me like L and you have something very special, and you need to get together. You are right for each other.

[CuriousMe]

GET TOGETHER, it is so rare in life to find that special someone and if 12 years and more your feelings haven't changed i suggest you try to make it work. Goodluck on whatever you do and yes, you must both communicate on this

[EvilEvilKitten]

Why do you 'feel hollow' about this? Sounds like just the man for you.
Talk to him!

[RosieLee]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate you taking the time to read what I'd written and comment on it.

We've talked everyday for hours since last week but I've somehow managed to avoid the subject - stupid I know. Since I was attacked my confidence hit an all time low and I'm worried about being rejected, which is utterly pathetic I know. I'm afraid he'll tell me he doesn't feel that way and doesn't want a relationship with me - that friends with benefits is enough.

I know I've got to basically take the bull by the horns and just confront it. Part of me wants to see how things develop, after all it's taken 12 years to get this far so we're not exactly rushing anything! But whatever happens, I really appreciate your input - thank you

[Newtolove]

TALK TO HIM or wonder for ever more if your going to get rejected you will nothing you can do but if you don't take a small chance you might be missing a nice relationship or you at least will know where you stand

[cyclefreak]

Well, you only have to look at the way L supported you after you were raped to see how much he cares for you. He sounds like a very understanding person, and doesn't sound like someone who would reject you.

I do think you need to talk about this frankly with him, although I can appreciate the difficulties you are feeling for one reason or another. You have something very special with this person, and you shouldn't let it slip by. I think you would regret it if you did.