Sex or Marriage?

[yuna5]

I don't think i can commit to a person without knowing i'll have sexual satisfaction. I'm a woman too. I really want intense sexual experiences with tons of orgasms and chemistry. I feel like i'll sleep around until i find a guy who satisfies my high standards. I thought for years until just recently that i could commit to a guy as long as he was a good friend. But i had guys who were good friends! And i didn't want to commit to them because the chemistry wasn't there. I need great sex!

I could have great friendship chemistry with a guy during talking and it could be blah during sex. Or i could have sexual chemsitry with a guy in one area and not another.

But i just realized i'm not searching for a husband, i'm searching for a great lover! No lover with a girlfriend, married or is a criminal though. So, i just realized with men i should maybe just get down to business if i like them in any way. I want to see if i like the whole process of sex together, from kissing to other stuff to sex to cuddling afterwards. Knowing a guy for a long time does not guarantee good sex. Knowing a guy for a short time does not guarantee good sex.

I still want romance but i want intense sex much much more!

So many women settle for boring sex lives just to be married. No, i want a great sex life and marriage comes after i found the perfect male lover- because marriage is about sex really- that's the only thing you have to be faithful to each other with. You can get your friendship needs in the relationship and also outside. I don't think it's even wise to put all your friendship needs into your husband or wife. But if i feel romantic about a person i may want to experiment with sex but if i still feel romantic and the sexual chemsitry is not there then i'll enjoy the romance for what it is and leave out the sex. Sexual satisfaction is too important to me.

I want to do what i want to do. If i want to stop i want to stop. If i think i want to have sex and then change my mind I want the guy to be okay with that. I want a guy that is a giver like me also, if i want to cuddle and talk, i want to cuddle and talk. Just do what feels right for me. If i want to give the guy pleasure without anything in return, i want to give. If i like a certain way a guy touches me sexally but that is the only thing i like, i may come back for seconds and third and unlimited's of the parts i like and i might give in return parts they like that i'm not crazy for but it's only fair. But i might not.

The goal is ultimately to balance the two- a great faithful marriage and a great sex life. But marriage and committed relationship can wait.

The only problem is if the guy hits it and quits it. What if i really like sex with him but for some reason of his own he doesn't want me anymore? I might be really hurt, i think.

But a guy's sexual style is not going to change once you know him better- not unless he reads up on some books on pleasing women. But guys i've barely known have had more chemistry with me than guys i've known for years. But one guy improved in the years i'd known him. But why wait? If you're safe like i'd take birth control and insist on condoms.

To experience the heights of pleasure i think i want to sleep around with any guy i happen to like- be it a friend of anything. Does this make me a ho? A whore? Honestly, if i die at 120 and i have 2 choices, either have a lovely friendly marriage or great sex without ever being married i definitely want number 2!!!

But i think i can eventually combine my 2 needs. But a friendly marriage is so easy to find but sexual fulfillment is harder for women. I'm not going to miss out by being a prude.

But i feel like a guy, willing to make out or if it comes to sex, with any guy i like, even if we're friends. I just want to know if we're sexually compatible- there's not way to know without just trying and seeing.

I guess i'm really a gay man in a woman's body. Or i want to be.

Does anyone feel me? I don't want to go into the wrong direction. I know my views are very unreligious and unpopular. But this is what i think i have to do to get what i want.

Also i've had guys tell me they were great lovers blah blah blah and then they were a dissappointment. I don't really trust what you say. I have a wait and see attitude.

I still like singing and thinking of romantic songs about love and faithfulness etc. I still want that a lot. When and if i'm sleeping around, that's still my goal- a person who i can have a great marriage with who must be exceptional in bed. I don't need the bestest friend in the universe if he's the bestest lover in the universe for me. But i wish i could have both.

I feel like being like Samantha in Sex and the City. I feel like hoaring around really. I want to allow myself to experiment and gain sexual experience i crave. Does anyone understand what i'm saying? Has anyone done this? Just made out with any guy you like or more? For months or years and not have a committed relationship- just be single and sleeping around with single men? This is the direction i see myself going. I would appreciate any suggestions or comments.

[browneyedgirl]

Well, when I first started having sex with my bf, it wasn't fantastic. It's great now, though, because we've gotten to know what each other enjoy and how to get each other off. We are both learning all the time. It takes a while with each new partner to be able to figure out what each person enjoys. Sex is so individual. It took me and my bf months before we stumbled on S&M and found that we really enjoyed it. So... I just want to point out that just because you don't immediately have great sex with someone doesn't mean that you won't. It takes time and practice. Even a very experienced man will need a while to be able to find what you like and need.

I also find that having sex with someone who you are passionate about and love is 1000 times better than having sex with someone you just have sexual chemistry with. Maybe that's not true for you, but for me that's a big part of the experience. It's not that I'm even very emotional or need a big commitment to have sex, but it's just so thrilling for me to have sex with someone I love and to be able to pleasure each other.

I don't think it's wrong for you to want to have great sexual chemistry with someone before you marry. My concern is that your standards might be too high. Have you ever found someone who had what you want? Sometimes you have to settle a little bit. I'm not saying you should have a boring sex life with a steady, reliable husband. I'm just saying... mr. perfect might not be out there.

My other worry is that you may be subsituting sex for other important things in your life. You refer to marriage as sex only. Or sex + friendship, with the friendship being less important. Where's the love? My boyfriend is my best friend, and we're very much in love. We also have great sex, but we've had to work on that. For me, love and friendship come first, though. I defintely enjoy sex and it's an important part of any relationship, but as long as I can orgasm on my own, it's not paramount to me.

Anyway, I don't know if that was helpful, but good luck finding your guy.

[yuna5]

Originally Posted by browneyedgirl

Well, when I first started having sex with my bf, it wasn't fantastic. It's great now, though, because we've gotten to know what each other enjoy and how to get each other off. We are both learning all the time. It takes a while with each new partner to be able to figure out what each person enjoys. Sex is so individual. It took me and my bf months before we stumbled on S&M and found that we really enjoyed it. So... I just want to point out that just because you don't immediately have great sex with someone doesn't mean that you won't. It takes time and practice. Even a very experienced man will need a while to be able to find what you like and need.

I also find that having sex with someone who you are passionate about and love is 1000 times better than having sex with someone you just have sexual chemistry with. Maybe that's not true for you, but for me that's a big part of the experience. It's not that I'm even very emotional or need a big commitment to have sex, but it's just so thrilling for me to have sex with someone I love and to be able to pleasure each other.

I don't think it's wrong for you to want to have great sexual chemistry with someone before you marry. My concern is that your standards might be too high. Have you ever found someone who had what you want? Sometimes you have to settle a little bit. I'm not saying you should have a boring sex life with a steady, reliable husband. I'm just saying... mr. perfect might not be out there.

My other worry is that you may be subsituting sex for other important things in your life. You refer to marriage as sex only. Or sex + friendship, with the friendship being less important. Where's the love? My boyfriend is my best friend, and we're very much in love. We also have great sex, but we've had to work on that. For me, love and friendship come first, though. I defintely enjoy sex and it's an important part of any relationship, but as long as I can orgasm on my own, it's not paramount to me.

Anyway, I don't know if that was helpful, but good luck finding your guy.

Wow! You bring up a lot of good points! Thank you. Yes, marriage is about love too. And probably sex with someone you love is a lot better than sex with someone you don't. I think i would wait to have good sex with someone i really love. we could learn together, my only stipulation would be that i couldn't commit to him until the sex was great. until then, i'd get my sexual needs from other men that i may not love as much but who have more sexual chemistry with me. that way i can have what i want and also maybe eventually get the whole package. what do you think about that?

Hmmm, i can't orgasm on my own. Maybe that's what i'm looking for. I'm relying on relationships with men to help me orgasm.

I can understand about the settling. i can settle for a not so great frienship in a marriage because i could get my friendship needs met outside. But i can't settle on less than the best sex. I want it too much. hmmm....

i really appreciate your response and well wishes, Browneyedgirl! These are very good ideas to consider. I'll be thinking about these.

[browneyedgirl]

Ooh, well if you can't orgasm on your own, it's high time to learn! Do you orgasm from sex? (If that is the case, try mastubating with a dildo or using your fingers to stimulate your G spot.) Learning to orgasm on your own has tons of benefits, check out these articles:

http://www.eroticuniversity.com/healthorgasm.html
http://www.pleasure4u.org/benefits-of-orgasm.html

Plus, if you don't know how to masturbate to orgasm, it is going to be a hell of a lot harder to find someone else who can make you orgasm, and nigh impossible. If you know what feels good to you, then you can communicate that to your partner, or you can assist yourself during sex. Also, the more you orgasm, the easier it will become.

Here's a good article on masturbation: http://www.allsexguide.com/female_masturbation.htm

One other thing I wanted to mention... I think the friendship part of the relationship is important for a couple reasons. One is, if you don't love each other and get along really well and you can't communicate with each other, the passion may fizzle out once you get used to each other - and then you'll be left with someone who you don't get along with that well. Whereas, if you are friends and love each other and communicate well, you'll always have each other, plus you'll have an incentive to keep up with your sexlife. Also, being able to communicate is key to having a good healthy sexlife, and being able to communicate is dependent on being comfortable with each other and having that friendship component.

Anyway, I really urge you to masturbate as often as you can. It took me a while to learn who to get myself off, and it was frustrating at first. But it is SO worth it! Practice makes perfect! Good luck!

[yuna5]

Thanks again, BrownEyedGirl! I have a lot to learn it seems. i'll try the masturbation. thanks for the articles!

Yeah, i was thinking about only having sex with male friends. you're right though, i shouldn't settle for less than a great friendship in marriage. I thought i could but you bring up a good point. so if i find a great sexual partner but he's not a great friend i'll enjoy him while it lasts but hold out for the whole package for when i get married. good points! this is very important.

i still want to experiment with a lot of guys- or a little- depends how i feel. that's the main thing i'm thinking about. but i will hold out for the best for marriage. but i'm a little excited in trying out different types of lovers.

[EvilEvilKitten]

A woman who enjoys sex - halleujah!!! No you are NOT a whore, since you aren't asking for payment in exchange for sex so get that nonsense out of your head. There's nothing wrong with playing the field or sport dating if you wish to play that way.
However:
You must take browneyedgirl's advice re: masturbation seriously. She is quite right that you must learn to orgasm on your own. Give yourself permission to orgasm and to enjoy masturbation. Pleasure, including self pleasure is good for you.

Sex with someone for whom you hold some affection, and who has some for you as well, is a MILLION times better than the so called 'zip-less ****'. You are worth his affection, attention, consideration, and time. Take the time to know him and for both of you to relax and enjoy eachother.

This does not mean that you have to do this with only one guy at a time. I'd say the most I'd recommend at any one time would be three men. You see X on Tuesday, Y on Thursday and Z on Saturday - something like that. Stop looking for a boyfriend - he'll come along when he comes along. Until then have fun getting to know various men even if you don't bed them.

I'd wait and put the marriage idea on hold for now, hun.

[yuna5]

Thanks EvilEvilKitten! You make me feel a lot better about my decision. Yeah, that's what i'll call it, playing the field or sports dating!

Will seriously explore masturbation. Although it doesn't sound as exciting as being touched by different men. I almost had an experience with a man the other day that is a friend off the internet, but he has a girlfriend and a strict rule is that he must not have a monogamous relationship, be married or a criminal. But he was damn sexy and i said if he's not attached in the future maybe. But i have other guys interested so i'm not desperate or anything.

Yeah, the marriage and boyfriend idea is in the back of my mind but now i'm just sport dating. Although one guy i'm feeling really serious about, i just want to jump his bones really bad- and he's the possessive, jealous type so he'd want a relationship. We'll see. This'll be so interesting because true, not many women play the field if they're not looking for money in exchange. I think it's good that i'm allowed in this society the same freedoms as men if i choose and i'm NOT a whore- thanks. Although someone might call me that and if they do i'll try not to hold any hard feelings because who the hell cares what they think if they're not trying to help keep me safe- just dissing me. Anyway, thanks for the advice, EvilEvilKitten- esp. about the friendship thing- i think that would have to be the case because i could get hurt by the hit it and quit it type- friendships will be a lot better- i was discussing it with the guy the other day and he agreed- friendship sex is better than straight ****ing- he's had both and although he can't see himself monogamous his entire life, he still wants to be friends with the women he's with. Damn- if he would only be honest with his girlfriend and not do anything behind her back... anywayz... i'm glad i still have standards- ya gotta have that! I'll update with my experiences if i think they're interesting. Let's say i saw every part of my friend i wanted to see and touched every part i wanted to touch but it didn't go far cause he's taken.

[cyclefreak]

Yeah, go for the sex, and ENJOY it! (Now why can't I meet a woman like that?)

[EvilEvilKitten]

cyclefreak - funny, most men say that and go and marry a woman who regards sex as ICK!

[yuna5]

Originally Posted by cyclefreak

Yeah, go for the sex, and ENJOY it! (Now why can't I meet a woman like that?)

Thanks! I'm really looking for people to support me in this because i feel it's kind of out there what i want to do. Too bad you're in Australia. you seem like a nice guy who could teach me a lot- that's what i'm also looking for- men that could help me grow emotionally and mentally in all areas of my life that are great in bed as well.

lol EvilEvilKitten- i think they marry women who are like ick because men are so desperate sometimes to have someone to lay. I mean really desperate and the women want the ring on their finger- they don't care about satisfaction.