Tough Call

[jmprox]

I've been dating this girl for about 2 and a half months now, and it was going great. Our relationship was pretty much flawless, no fights, no problems. This past weekend she went to a party, I refused to go because I have trust issues with girlfirends, and wanted to force myself to trust her. I told her this after she came back from the party, and she fell apart. She admitted to being really drunk and making out with a guy from her school there.

She knows my last girlfriend was a slut and a cheater, and screwed me up pretty bad (that relationship was a year and a half; the last year being cheating and lying and hurtfulness).


Also, the girl I'm dating now, has cutting problems, and she OD'ed on pills on her birthday this past october, just because ...she felt sad, and didn't really know why. I've been trying convince her to get help, and to see a councillor or SOMETHING, but its tough.

My main goals in this relationship was to make her life the best possible, to make her as happy as possible, and to help her get the help she needed before I made my exit from her life. (this was a nice relationship, but i know she isn't who i'm meant to marry, just like.. someone to have fun with and to pass time)

I want to keep going with my goal, the top priority is getting her to help though, second priority is making her happy.

She wants us not to break up, and says she has no feelings for the guy, she was just really drunk and didn't know what she was doing.

Now I can't play the innocent angel, for I have in the past gotten really drunk one time in Europe and made out with someone. I returned and told my girlfriend of the time, and we broke up, fairly. Although the circumstances are slightly different. That europe girl is gone from my life forever, this guy goes to her school.

I already have trust issues, and knowing that the guy she cheated on me with goes to her school, and that she sees him more than I do makes me shiver.



Should I stick it out, give her a second chance, and work hard to get her help.. or should I just end it, and tell her parents about what she's been doing and what shes been going through and leave it with them. (It sounds like a dick move, I know, but her "best friends" haven't been helping her properly, she's been cutting for 4 years and they KNOW and they haven't done anything to stop her!)


Well.. I think I explained it all.

[Caitlain]

I think it is obvious she has some serious self-esteem issues. You're not going to be able to address that alone. If you just dump her, it is only going to reinforce her negative self-esteem, so you're truly in a Catch-22 situation.

I'm not there, so I don't know the specifics, but based on what you've said, I think I would personally discuss it with her parents and see what they know. Don't dump her and tell her parents, just talk to them when she's not around and see what happens with it. Perhaps y'all can work together to effect a chance for her. At the very least, maybe they can get her to a counselor to get some help.

Having said that, you have to be responsible to yourself, and maintaining an unhealthy relationship is not a good way to do that. If I talked with her parents and/or things didn't improve in some capacity, I'd probably have to let her go, as sad as that would make me.

[EvilEvilKitten]

She needs counseling and so do you. You both have unaddressed issues. Please seek a licensed medical professional.

[ExtraChrisB]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

She needs counseling and so do you. You both have unaddressed issues. Please seek a licensed medical professional.

Hold on, I would go so far as to say that he has issues like that. I mean, we all have issues, but that's a little far fetched, don't you think?

Personally, I would march to her parents and tell them everything. They can help her so much more than any friend can, and that's a fact. They aren't qualified to help her in these matters, but a professional is.

I'd give her a second chance to be with her during this trial of hers if you are to tell her parents what's been happening. I think it would be extremely noble of you to stick it out with her. If she's drinking, she's only depressing herself even more (alcohol is a severe depressant).

I hope I helped.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I did not say he had the same issues as she did but, yes clearly, he has some - trust issues.

Marching her to her parents? Un, no. She needs medical help. For all you know it is unresolved issues with her parents that are causing her problems. All parental notifications should come from the medical professionals who are trained to deal - effectively - with such situations.

Make sure that you do not 'enable' her self-detructive behaviors in any way.
No drinking, no drugging, etc. - none of that.

[jmprox]

I've taken away her advils, and the prescription painkillers the doctors prescribed for her "headaches" (which only were a result of ODing on those freaking advils)
But I can't really stop her from much, and I don't have enough influence to get her to a counsellor on my own.

I have had counsellors in the past for relationship issues, and this girl was supposed to be how I learned to trust again. Didn't turn out so well..


And nows she's in a very self-destructive mode, blaming herself for screwing up, and believing that she's not good enough for me, and that she doesn't deserve me. I spent twelve hours last night talking to her, for the first 6 she was bawling and having like a breakdown, then for like 3 hours she was reserved and quiet, and didn't say much, and then she went back to crying and saying she doesn't deserve me.

I told her its not as bad as it seems, and that its fine, and i'll give her another chance, but she doesn't know if she wants to take it. She's afraid of hurting me again, and she's upset that she broke my trust and feels like I won't trust her ever again.

I think her low self esteem influences her to think that she isn't good enough for me, and that she doesn't deserve me, and this belief makes her think that because of this, I will never be able to trust her again, and then its hopeless to her. I've been talking to a mutual friend who goes to school with her, and shes crying in class at school. I've forgiven her, spent hours telling her it will be okay, and we can work it out, or if she wants we can just be friends, but nothing goes in.

I'm so confused, shouldn't I be the one calling the shots about whether our relation ship stays together... this is so messed up.

[Narhethi]

Self harming is really addictive, i know, i self harm, i have been told it is harder to stop than drugs, so i would suggest getting help, (and before anyone says i have my reasons for not seeing one myself).

[EvilEvilKitten]

Get the school counselor involved - now!
This has got to stop!

[jmprox]

She broke up with me because she doesn't feel she can be a good enough girlfriend for me.

She cut her legs last night, and is thinking about cutting herself again tonight. She refuses to talk to her parents, they keep asking her to open up to them, and she screams at them.

I'm going to see if her friends at her school will take her to the counsellor or something..

crap, her parents are trying so hard, but unless she agrees, they can't make her go anywhere..

i'm fine with the break up, but the self-destructiveness is NOT okay..

[ExtraChrisB]

Oh yes they can force her to get help. And they should.