Overcoming Jealousy

[ExtraChrisB]

Okay... this is a really long story. Ahem...

So way back when, my girlfriend suddenly got really jealous over this one girl that I've known for a while who's really like a sister to me. Nothing sexual there or anything. My girlfriend was jealous of her because this girl won this band award that my girlfriend worked extremely hard for, but didn't get. So, in retaliation, she went after me and my relationship with that particular girl. Like I say, there's nothing sexual there. She's my best friend's sister! My girlfriend still to this day gets very upset when I do anything with this girl (please note that I'd never do anything that would make even my girlfriend uncomfortable. I try to keep in mind that this makes her uncomfortable and act accordingly).

My girlfriend says that she's trying really hard to overcome these feelings.

Now, with us being in college for that past four months, it's been really hard maintaining a long-distance relationship. We still continue the relationship and visit each other at least once a month (the bus tickets are expensive) and the time apart just kills us.

So, my girlfriend has found this new guy friend on campus. Keep in mind that I find NOTHING wrong with her having male friends. Most of my friends are female in the same regard. It's just that I don't trust this guy. My girlfriend says time and time again that there's nothing there. I trust her. I truly do. With everything I have. It's just that I don't trust HIM. Here's why:

He's with my girlfriend A LOT. Here's an example of thigns that make me uncomfortable of how he does things (this is going to sound pathetic, which is why I'm writing in the forum). A few days ago, he and my girlfriend went on a "picture-taking spree" around campus with just the two of them. You know, pictures of them making funny faces, goofing off, making weird poses, you know, just having a lot of fun. The reason this really got me is becasue they ended up taking 88 pictures together, which is WAY more than the number of pictures she has of me.

They hang out so much that her friends jokingly say that they suspect her of cheating on me with this guy. We talked about it, but she just kept saying that there's nothing there, etc. etc. Communication is the key in any relationship and I had to let her know how I feel about this. But she just disregarded me as "being emo".

Then I see a post today, trying so hard to be calm about it, (this guy posts on her facebook several times a day usually) that says that she was cleaning (tidying, however you want to label it) his room. Now she doesn't even do that for me. And she jokingly slapped him when he called her his maid.

Do you see why I would be upset at this? She does things with/for him that she doesn't even do with/for me, and it really lowers my self esteem because I don't feel like I'm worth her trouble because she's obviously not into paying attention to me. It's understandable since she has such a huge workload and we're more than an hour apart, but still, you'd think she'd try harder to pay attention to how I'm feeling despite the difference?

How crazy am I? How do I get over these feeligns of severe jealousy? I don't like feeling this way and I want to get back to the security we share for almost 16 months now.

Anything is appreciated. Thank you!

[browneyedgirl]

I think you have a total double standard. You get upset when your gf gets jealous of your friend, even though you tell her that there's nothing there. You think she's overreacting because you know the girl is just a friend. The EXACT same situation happens in reverse, and you're freaking out. She CLEANED HIS ROOM, she didn't sleep with him. It sounds to me like you are both very jealous and insecure. Work it out or break up.

[ExtraChrisB]

Originally Posted by browneyedgirl

I think you have a total double standard. You get upset when your gf gets jealous of your friend, even though you tell her that there's nothing there. You think she's overreacting because you know the girl is just a friend. The EXACT same situation happens in reverse, and you're freaking out. She CLEANED HIS ROOM, she didn't sleep with him. It sounds to me like you are both very jealous and insecure. Work it out or break up.

No, but see, I explained the differences. I don't do anything with this other girl that I would do with my girlfriend (i.e. take 88 pictures with her and clean her room). I recognize that we both have these jealous feelings, but I feel that I have more of a reason. Hers is based around not getting a band award and I think mine are because she's treating another guy friend really specially when I usually get a hurried phone call once a day.

[EvilEvilKitten]

OMG just stop! This relationship is over. You killed it. Being jealous is for losers - is that how you see yourself? You don't think you can 'compete' with this other guy? That she is also prone to being jelous, well, this is not a match made in heaven. Let her go and move on.

[Zan]

when you are living away from each other its alot easier to get jealous cos you want her time more, since you are feeling the distance and when some other guy comes in and she spends alot of time with you start to wonder/get jealous... i know how you feel in some aspect, the key in long distance is to really talk and trust (you may not trust him... but remember you trust her... so even if he did try something you would trust her to stop it in its tracks and not go any further~ remember that) with me, my gf and i lived in diff countries and would spend months... 2-3 apart at times and make up for the days we missed when we got together, but i used to get jelaous aswell... and i hated it.. by nature i have always been territorial and over protective and well until i got to meet her friends i would always worry if she was alright/safe and yes her spending time with males would get to me, but i sat her down and we spoke i told her how stupid i felt and she told me how she was jealous of my friends aswell and well we came to an agreement and understanding, we made 3 special days of each week when that day is just ours and we devote to each other, do something like that.... jealousy destroys... do what you can to over come this problem asap or else its gonna be better to seperate, you cant let jealousy go on too long, you will only get bitter

[ExtraChrisB]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

OMG just stop! This relationship is over. You killed it. Being jealous is for losers - is that how you see yourself? You don't think you can 'compete' with this other guy? That she is also prone to being jelous, well, this is not a match made in heaven. Let her go and move on.

I appreciate that you're trying to help, but you don't just quit a relationship for this. You work on it, if you truly love that person. Thanks for trying to understand.

[ExtraChrisB]

Originally Posted by Zan

when you are living away from each other its alot easier to get jealous cos you want her time more, since you are feeling the distance and when some other guy comes in and she spends alot of time with you start to wonder/get jealous... i know how you feel in some aspect, the key in long distance is to really talk and trust (you may not trust him... but remember you trust her... so even if he did try something you would trust her to stop it in its tracks and not go any further~ remember that) with me, my gf and i lived in diff countries and would spend months... 2-3 apart at times and make up for the days we missed when we got together, but i used to get jelaous aswell... and i hated it.. by nature i have always been territorial and over protective and well until i got to meet her friends i would always worry if she was alright/safe and yes her spending time with males would get to me, but i sat her down and we spoke i told her how stupid i felt and she told me how she was jealous of my friends aswell and well we came to an agreement and understanding, we made 3 special days of each week when that day is just ours and we devote to each other, do something like that.... jealousy destroys... do what you can to over come this problem asap or else its gonna be better to seperate, you cant let jealousy go on too long, you will only get bitter

Thanks, man. I really appreciate your advice and encouragement. I know we'll get through it. We both have some work to do in the jealousy department, but I know we can do it now. Thank you

[EvilEvilKitten]

ExtraChris - get back to me when you're 45, hun. I'd like to know how it worked out between you two.

[Zan]

no problem and good luck ^^

[ExtraChrisB]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

ExtraChris - get back to me when you're 45, hun. I'd like to know how it worked out between you two.

So you're saying that you've never felt jealous before in a relationship? Not even once? Even in the relationship you're in now?