Two Problems...

[pokergod01]

Hey guys, long time lurker...first time poster.

This is the situation:

I am 17 y.o. and before last year had been totally sexually inactive (hadn't even kissed another girl - combination of lack of bravery and going to an all-boys school all my life).

Anyway my school went mixed and within about two weeks I found myself really attracted to one girl in particular. We had been out in town a couple of times by ourselves, I was told by pretty well everyone she liked me. Nothing ever happened although I would have liked it to have (again my self confidence problems hampered me). This girl (Becca) had also been totally inactive before she came to my school but since then had been very...liberal. A couple of one night stands etc. This didn't bother me, and didn't effect my liking her. After a couple of months it seemed as though nothing was going to happen and although we exchanged pleasantries and I still liked her, we lost regular contact.

It was some 6 months later when I got together with Hayley, another girl from my school. She had lost a lot of weight during the year and had transformed herself from somebody who was not seen as attractive to a very pretty girl. Not only this, she was one of the most liked girls in the year (by girls and boys), nobody had a word to say bad against her.

About 2 months in I had already been on holiday with her and her parents and she had given me oral sex. For whatever reason (perhaps because of the previously unnattractive image) I had assumed that she, too, was sexually inexperienced and this had shaped my image of her. A terrible HJ the first time had confirmed this to me. Her inexperience was a major positive for me in our relationship and I felt that this really distinguished her from the other attractive but "easy" girls in our year. It helped me cement my love for her.

However, I learned (via her) that she had more experience that I had initially thought. I learned this about 3 months in. She said that she had adminstered oral sex to 3 other boys, something that shocked me but didn't appal me. She was still a virgin. To learn, however, that one of these was done while she was aged 14 did. Added to this that she had met the boy only two weeks previously, and was on holiday at the time made me question my intial judgement of her. Another boy was somebody she was not in a real relationship with and had simply done on a night out at a mate's house. Although I recognise that this is standard practice for teenagers (I was willing to pursue a relationship with Becca despite the fact she had had one night stands) and that my experience is not typical, its shockingness derived from the fact that it was totally unexpected. I felt as though a large part of the reason I had taken the relationship to the level I did had just been shot, she was "like the rest of them".

During this period of going out with Hayley I had all but forgotten about Becca, thinking what a good decision I made to end up with Hayley. I slept with Hayley about a month after learning of her sexual past. However, about a month ago (4 months into our relationship) my desire for Becca returned and although I am sure that I love Hayley, it is still their now. Added to this Becca has become extremely flirtacious with me, something that has not escaped the notice of Hayley.

I am now finding myself dreaming of Becca, and thinking of her as much as Hayley when I'm not around her. I think part of this is because I have had a huge amount of the "value" of Hayley removed in that I now realise that she wasn't who I thought she was.

Two questions therefore arise:

1) Given what I went into the relationship with Hayley assuming, and what I later learned, is it possible for me to continue happily? A lot of what I thought we had was based on the fact we shared a non-existent sexual past after all. (In the three months following the revelations I feel I have moved closer to accepting it).

and 2) Will these feelings for Becca go away? I think they are probably skin deep, she is not regarded as a "nice girl" and is disliked by many. But we have begun texting regulaly for the first time ever recentley. What should I do about the feelings in the meantime?

Sorry for the horribly long post, I fully appreciate anybody who has read it all and dearly hope that somebody can give me some advice on the matter. It is especially tough because I know that Hayley loves me hugely after the 5 months we have spent together. I have been trying to work out what to do alone since any friends I could go to are mutual friends of mine and Hayley's. I do not want to put any of them in a difficult position.

Thanks again for reading.
Yours,
Brian

[Newtolove]

hm difficult one and really it is your decision bearing in mind whichever girl it is unlikely this will go as far as marriage and is a learning experience. you have to weigh up what you want and remember that what "people" think can often be wrong. I live in a foreign country in a small town with very closed minds and I know I am despised just because I am not one of them. what do you think of becca ?
it seems to me that its a 50/50 one has as much value as the other. why are you so anxious that you have a girl that has had no previos experience ? if that is you line of judgment there are not many matches out there for you.

[pokergod01]

Thanks very much for the reply.

It's not that important. The reason I mentioned it is because it was part of the reasons it initially attracted me to her, it was certainly no prerequisite. It's not so much the experience part of it, it is just that the girls from around our area who have experience of that type tend not to be relationship girls. Becca is, I think, an exception in that she has experience (inculding one night stands) but I *think* she wants to get into a real relationship, something I have discussed with her before.

I find Becca more attractive than Hayley but I am in love with Hayley, breaking up with her is not an option. I am just wondering whether I should sit out my attraction to Becca or confront it somehow. It's really this I need help with. Sorry if I phrased my questions poorly.

[Browser]

1. A girl's past is just that - hers and past. Let it go.

2. You and Becca are done. Move on. Focus on other things when you find yourself thinking about her, don't masturbate while thinking of her, don't imagine being back with her, etc. Thinking that there is a problem with moving on will only make you obsess about her more.

Don't give too much credence to the public opinions of people. You mention people's reputations multiple times in your original post. Make sure that you form your own conclusions instead of accepting others'.

Finally, don't get too caught up too deeply in relationships yet. I think most of us can say that we were "in love" once or twice during high school. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Don't think too hard about it, be safe, and enjoy yourself.

Good luck.

[pokergod01]

Cheers for the advice guys, very much appreciated. I think I'm starting to work me way through it now.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Excellent advice browser.

Hey, guy, the girls are experimenting and sport-dating now. Relationships come later - when they are ready to settle down. This will not be for a while yet so stop looking for it.

In love at age 17? You shouldn't be. You're not full-grown yet. Are you gainfully employed? Are you out in your own home? Do you pay your own taxes? Have you assumed any adult responsibilities at all? Chances are - you haven't.

Don't be in such a rush.