"Friends w/ Benefits"?

[skipgirl]

So i think my relationship right now w/ my "boyfriend" is just turning into friends w/ benefits. he said he just wanted to be friends while i was at college, but whenever we hang out we either hook up or recently had sex, my first time....so i'm guesssing w/ friends w/ benefits even though i do love him a lot....can anyone give me the pros and cons of this? will i just end up gettin hurt since i care about him so much? will this work out? HELP

[unknown11]

most of the time these are a situation whre he bangs you then leaves you

[NizeGie]

Just my opinion, of course -- and with the caveat that you know more about your own situation than anybody else -- but:

"Friends with benefits" usually isn't a satisfactory situation to wind up in, if you started out in a romantic relationship. Most likely, the two partners are going to have different hopes for the relationship ... conflict and recrimination ensue ... everyone is worse off than if they just broke up in the old fashioned way, and became friends without benefits or just former b&g-friends who don't have anything to do with each other any more. The last sounds kind of sad, but it's better than being enemies.

So far as I can tell, the friends-with-benefits relationships that work (to the extent they do, which is another subject) are ones where they never have been anything more (in a romantic / exclusivity sense) than friends.

[thetease13]

For some people it works, for others it fails.

I've had a friends with benefits for a few years now. I see nothing wrong with it. Sure, I love him to death. Sure I wish I could take him home and keep him. But in the end we've always agreed that no matter what happens, we will still be friends. We are friends above everything else and unless something drastic happens, I really don't see that changing.

[skipgirl]

i just don't know what i should do about it, i mean we tried hanging out as "just friends" and that lasted for about ten minutes before we couldn't take it any longer and just started hooking up, so i feel like i could never be just friends w/ him. either we are together or we're nothing, ya know? i just know that my emotions can't do this for much longer

[Newtolove]

hm well really you need to ask him what he wants and feels for you it seems strange that first you were together and now you seem (from you description) to be effectively together. I understand your situation as i am in a sililar one but that is due to distance and not of our decision but here there is no reason why you shouldn't be together if that is what you both want. you can just carry on and see what happens but there is a chance he will just walk away one day. how old are you ?

[Cleveland]

The theory behind FWB is a good one--two people hook up sexually because they trust each other, care about each other to some degree, but also understand that they both know that nothing more will evolve.

The reality is that either one or both partners hope that they can win the other over via sex, or, more common, one partner is hanging on to a relationship knowing that without sex it would totally be over.

Contemplate your motives, knowing that winning someone back or just winning someone over, needs to be "in life" before its "in bed".

[skipgirl]

Originally Posted by Newtolove

hm well really you need to ask him what he wants and feels for you it seems strange that first you were together and now you seem (from you description) to be effectively together. I understand your situation as i am in a sililar one but that is due to distance and not of our decision but here there is no reason why you shouldn't be together if that is what you both want. you can just carry on and see what happens but there is a chance he will just walk away one day. how old are you ?

i'm 18, he's 20, and i'm away at college and he's home at a community college, and my school is only about an hour and a half away and he's visited me once. so his reasoning on why we should just be friends is he didn't want me "tied down" at school.

[dancingdoc2]

Regardless of the explanation or logic, I do believe that the two of you you are in a state of flux, meaning that your lives and experiences are in a constant state of change. It is too soon for the two of you to be in exclusive relationships whether with each other or other people. At your ages you should be dating lots of different people in order to learn what Mother Nature has to offer. So, if the two of you want to be f w/b then that is OK.

The two of you are in school to further your education and to learn skills that will allow you to earn a better income and provide a better life for your futures. This must be your emphasis--not love. That you party and take care of basic instincts should be secondary. As for having an exclusive relationship with someone I think that the work involved to maintain the relationship and stresses that are often encountered make life and school much more difficult. Better to hold off on becoming really serious about someone until you are out of school. In the meantime keep socializing and establish friendships and date lots of people, including this guy.

If he turns out to be Mr. Right, then you will have a broader range of life experiences to bring to the relationship and will have eliminated most if not all of the stresses and drama and trauma associated with early relationships.

[skipgirl]

i'm def all about meetin new guys and while i've been at school i've been hookin up w/ other guys and this one guy i've hooked up w/ more than once but i just don't feel happy when i'm w/ these guys...i know he hasn't been w/ anyone else yet and i won't lie, i would def be jealous if i knew he was w/ another girl and i don't want to feel that i'm be replaced by another girl...thats why i think friends w/ benefits is gonna be hard cuz i'm def gonna be jealous of other girls that he's gonna be w/.