Relationship advice.

[Kari]

Quick Scenario:
I'm seventeen years old as of [Oct. 12|TODAY].
I'm in a relationship of four months, almost five.
He is basically my first of just about everything.
I only had one ex prior to him, which was two years ago.
Since then, I've tried to avoid the dating world.

Here's a quick story:
I was molested around the age of thirteen,
where I was just about ready to start puberty.
At the age of fourteen, I've dated my ex [Donnie].
During that whole time, I didn't want anything to
do with him.

It started when an old friend [Maria] of mine
[more of an acquaintance] who decided to ask
Donnie out for me. In the end, we decided to try
this out. The thing is, he always wanted to do stuff.

Some examples, he'd want to cuddle, kiss, et cetera.
I am a person who fears closeness as a result of that
childhood event. I'm not a touchy-feely person, either.

Eventually our relationship broke off after three and a
half months. I just wasn't comfortable with dating,
and I kept this off until two years later.

That was when my current boyfriend's [Brian] friend
[Derek] decided to ask me out over Myspace, pretending
to be Brian. There was a whole mixup, but eventually
Brian decided he wanted to ask me out after putting
thought into it.

It took us some time to get over many obstacles, and
dealt with a lot of emotional nights. The first time we
kissed... I was basically stupid. Lol. The kiss wasn't bad...
but later that night, I broke out in tears in front of him.

I was telling him how I didn't deserve what I had gone
through before, and he just held onto me tight and
comforted me the best that he could. I could hear that
he was crying, too, because he said "I don't get it...
why would such a sweet girl go through that?"

The thing is... I love him. And he loves me, too. We've
been through a lot. But I'm still having problems, and he's
patient enough for me. [He says he really isn't.]

Brian can be pretty much impatient, but I brought out
many points to him. I told him... if he wasn't patient,
he would have left me from within the first week.
[Again... another emotional night.]

I have some problems that I have to face, too, and
he's willing to help. The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm
willing to do it myself. I have every urge to do it, but
I realized something.

I was brought to 'fondling' at a young age, and it
came across as a bad thing in my mind. [As in, I
was introduced to it in a bad way.] How do I tell
myself that this isn't something I should fear? As
far as I've heard, it isn't bad unless you're willing...
but I wasn't willing when I was thirteen, and it came
unexpectedly.

Since then, I've had a problem with closeness.
I can't believe Brian is sticking with me. I tend to
be as annoying as I can get, either by talking too
much or whatever... just so I didn't end up with someone.

I gave Brian a chance. I figured... well, it's been two
years since I've been with someone, I'll see if I can handle
it this time. So far, it's going along great. Like... I
love kissing him and just being in his arms.

My problem is, I am still not a touchy-feely person.
Brian says to me that he doesn't really care if I'm slow
at just... carressing his arm or something. He understands.

I still think that deep down, he may just want me to rub
his back or something... and everytime I get the urge of
wanting to, I just stop myself from going any further and
it kills me that I can't make him happy.

However, he said that he's happy enough to know that
we're together;; and so am I, now that I think about it.
I just want to be able to have a normal relationship. It
would be great if I actually made the first move...

Any ideas?

And as you can tell, I do talk a lot. Lol.

And, any questions? If you need more to help me out, I'll be glad to do so.

[New2luv]

Hi Kari.

First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Second I am sorry what happend to you.
Thrid
In a very small way I can relate to your not being a touchy feely type. I myself am not a touchy feely guy. Not for the same reasons though. I would do what feels right. If he is holding you and you want to just place your hand on his back and lightly rub it do it. Unless of course your afraid he will take it futher. If that be the case then I would talk to him about that. He sounds like a understanding guy. As far as "How do I tell
myself that this isn't something I should fear?" I fear that I don't have much advice for you. Have you seen a professional regarding this? If you feel safe with him then wait until the time is right. I wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with and I wouldn't expect my lady too ethier. If he doesn't feel the same about it then in my opinion he isn't really someone that I would want to be with anyway. He more than likely does want you to just touch him. But if he tells you that he is happy just being with you then take it at that. You have to trust him. You have trusted him by telling him what happend to you. To me its the trust that makes it special. In my opinion I would feel very good knowing that someone trusted me enough to tell about something of that context. When I was younger and ready to kiss a girl and maybe a little more. I was afraid my timing wouldn't be right or what if I did something wrong. Something I grew to understand was do what feels right to both people. Don't rush things when things are ready to happen they will.There is no wrong and right when it comes to things like this. As long as the two of you are comfortable with each other and the trust is there. Then don't be afraid to lightly hold his hand or rub his back. Do what feels right. But like I said if you are afraid he will move to fast then talk this out with him.

I hope this helped in some way I fear I have lost my touch for helping out others lately.

[Newtolove]

hm yess you do talk somewhat but that is not on the whole bad as we are here for that but the text of your message is so small no one is going to get to read it. just take things easy, be a bit daring if you feel it won't hurt I mean trying to give your boyfriend a massage is not going to hurt and you feel you don't know what to do just ask him what feels good and to guide you. try letting him rub you or massage you later when you are more confident you can go further.

I am a guy and met a girl and as circumstances did not allow us the chance to go as far as we wanted but I was just happy to cuddle her (ok we did a bit more than that) but if your boyfriend is patient and not in a rush (like me) then you'll be fine