Tell her of my affection? - need advise

[Herakles55]

Hi im new to these forums became a member for this very issue that i am to speak of, I really need to get this of my chest!
Well it's all about this one girl ofcourse, she could be called a crush but its not a simple "oh she looks pretty" kind of crush. Im 16 going on to 17 early next year, shes 14 going on to 15 in a month so we are almost two years apart. I have dated three girls previous to her none of which I really truly loved and all were experimental the last ending in a hellish nightmare, [i dont want to talk about it] . Anyways I finally realised what kind of girl I really truly could spend a lifetime with and that was the personality of Sarah the girl im speaking of.
The awkward part is that ive known her for seven years already as a family friend, and she has an older sister closer to my age. And im also not sure whether shes likes me or not, sometimes she acts as if she wants to be close to me and gives me a certain edge of attention over other friends. And other times she will act neutral towards my attention and apreciation of here. I don't know whether this is because she feels she isnt ready to enter a relationship[she is yet to have had a BF] or if she just wants to be my friend and would never consider being a GF of me.
But I know she is a Girl that I coul live my whole life with and never grow tired of an active relationship, shes: humourous, caring, accepting, sophisticated, responsible, beautiful and she loves to stay outside of the circle than move with the pack, if you know what i mean, and ahe is probably the only girl i understand!
So anyway the question is to all you knowledgeble readers is what should i do, tell her of my affection and see if she feels the same or wait for her to feel comfortable with a proper relationship. etc. She is also a great friend and it would kill me to see lose that friendship if she turned down my love for her, not to mention the awkwardness not only between us and other friends and family in such a situation.
Please give me educated advise i really am in quite a predicament! By the way sorry for the long post i could have wrote a hell lot more though!

[dancingdoc2]

Hi, welcome to the Board,

Your concerns pose an interesting social delema and have become a soapbox topic of concern of mine of late. All too often we read or hear about young teens wanting to enter into a serious and exclusive relationship and this is not unrealistic only premature in my never to be so humble opinion. Why?

These teen years plus 20 and 21 are years devoted to change. The process of transmuting from a child into an adult takes this long. The first noticeable change is when we begin to grow in stature, develop curves and muscle mass; next come the changes that prepare us for child bearing; on the heal of these changes comes an interest in the opposite sex--boys begin to notice girls and they begin to notice us. Accompanying this aspect of development is the need to become closer to others and to interact more closely with one or more individuals. This is all well and good; however, in recent times the actual step-by-step process of social development seems to have been side stepped. Along with the obvious physical and physiological development is the not so obvious mental and social development that needs to take place. Here's what I mean.

Children have playmates and learn to share and interact socially with others and as we continue to grow and mature, we enter the "Pack" phase that you mention in which girls and boys establish friendships with members of the same sex. Later, around your age, people begin a process of integration in which their respective circle of friends begins to include members of the opposite sex. Later still, the circle shrinks to include just a few close friends. Around the outside of the circle are two categories of people, those who are simply friends of one or more of us, and others who are just acquaintences. The next step in a person's socialization is that his/her circle fragments and now consists of fewer albeit closer relationships among the friends. It is around this time that we cultivate best friends. "Best" is an absolute so we can each have two, one male and one female; everybody else is simply a friend or to a lesser degree, an acquaintence.

I totally get the physical and emotional attraction you have and have had with others, and will have with still others in the future. What many teenagers seem to lack as part of their continuing development is the knowlege from parents that there are certain stages to a person's mental and physical development. There is a vast difference in maturity between you and the girl that interests you. The two year age difference at this time of life is huge. So while your body may be mature and hers nearly so, there is still a huge gap in the mental and social development between you.

The purpose for dating is to bring two or more people closer together on a generally transitory basis in order to learn more about each other than is possible within the pack or the circle with others. The purpose of dating is to be able to sample more of what humanity has to offer us and to learn about the characters, quirks, likes, dislikes, values, goals, ambitions (or the lack of), etc., that people have so that when the time does come to narrow the playing field and to focus on one individual, we are better able to make the right choice. The purpose of dating is to have several people that we can call in order to socialize with, either as a couple or a double date.

Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us, not yet anyway. Dating should be non-exclusive during the teenage years. When it is a boy and girl eliminate all the drama and trauma inherent in close associations and their evenual breakups. Exclusivity should be reserved for older teens and adults.

So, while your loins and heart may be aching, your head needs to maintain control over your day to day activities and interactions with others. This can be a headache in and of itself, yet it is necessary if we are to become well-rounded adults.

My recommendation to you and others is to continue a friendship with this girl, date her if it is what the two of you want, yet do not make the relationship an exclusive one.

You can either wait for her to approach you about dating, or, you can inquire and see if she would like to date you. Whatever seems to be appropriate for you.

The vascillation she exhibits, sometimes being interested, sometimes being aloof, is typical teenage behavior connected with a lack of maturity. You can offer a level playing field so to speak by establishing a friendship, first, then if things warm up between you, guide her behavior by establishing what you will and will not accept in her behavior. Her actions are partly why you should not be in an exclusive relationship for several more years. All of you have more maturing to do, more worldliness to acquire, and you are simply at different ends of the journey. Even with two people the same age, there are likely to be differences in maturity and life experiences, especially when you consider that girls as a general rule mature mentally and emotionally sooner than boys.

I hope this is of help.
Good luck!

[Herakles55]

Thanks for the response and it has cleared alot up for me, I think i will just remain close friends with her for a year or so and give her all the attention i have in me through a friendship status and then finally think about a more loving closer relationship, I know for certain thaty she won't be the first to ask she can be quite shy about this kind of thing. Its just killing me, in the fact that I want to know if she really does have feelings for me or not. And it will also just get harder and harder to spark a closer dating relationship the longer i remain her best friend, Im afraid that she will only see as a best friend and nothing else. But one things for sure I dont think I will be able to go out with anyone else as long as I dont find another more mature Sarah and I know thats not going to happen.

[dancingdoc2]

Oh yee of little faith. Ya just don't know who you will find until you do date others which is the whole point. You may or may not find anyone better, however, you won't know until you invest some time and effort. 'sides, you are young and your ideal and values and perceptions are bound to change in the coming months so what you like today may not be what you find interesting or important next year. You are trying to put too much into a connection with her to the exclusion of anyone else. Go date and date lots of girls. Have fun along the way, discover what sorts of people are out there. Some you will like, some not, and a few you will want to date more than once. You may find someone you like as much or better, then again maybe not. You do owe it to yourself to explore the possibilities.

[Herakles55]

I don't think I can as long as Sarah remains in my heart, I just cant have the enthusiasm or attention to think about other girls, it's like trying to chew on old mouldy bread when you have a delicous burger sitting in front of you. But apart from that fact how am I ever going to know if Sarah feels the same about me do you think its worth it attempting to discover any love she has for me with the threat of disturbing our friendship and the social complex expectancies and opinions of others around us.
I really dont want to fuk anything up seeing that she is a close friend and my and her parents are close friends also.

[dancingdoc2]

> how am I ever going to know if Sarah feels the same about me do you think its worth it attempting to discover any love she has for me with the threat of disturbing our friendship and the social complex expectancies and opinions of others around us.

Sure, why not. You do not have to make much of an attempt in order to learn whether or not she is interested in you. Coy as girls can be, usually they let their intentions be known in one way or another. So, the dynamics between families should not be harmed as a result.