Questions about the past...

[InsertNameHere]

Hi all, first time poster here so here it goes.

I'm looking for some advice on how to handle a certain situation with my girlfriend. First off, we have been together for about 4 months. We are both abstinent in terms of intercourse, but we are comfortable with oral sex. Now, I'm the kind of guy that thinks you should only do that kind of stuff if your in a relationship with someone. I'm not into random play like many are, and neither is she anymore. Well, I talked to her about her past and she was telling me how in high school she started drinking and would get "friendlier" (aka go down on guys / let them feel her.) She is not proud of that stuff looking back, and isn't like that anymore. Now she said she only did this with 2 guys-- which isn't a lot, but she wasn't in a relationship with them at the time either. I never have condoned that activity, and it kind of bothers me that she used to do that. I know that it is none of my business what she did before she was with me, but I can't figure out why that still bothers me, even though she is NOT like that anymore. Can anyone tell me why the hell I would be so concerned with her past when I don't think I should be? I mean it could have been worse like if she slept with random guys, or if she did what she did to more than 2 people. Still, I need some help on dealing with this situation. I think part of the problem is that I'm not the average guy that thinks its OK to hook up with girls for fun. Ugh what is wrong with me...?

[Sirene]

I've felt like that too. I think it is ok to do whatever anyone wants with anyone, but it does bother me when I hear about it from a girlfriend. It makes me feel sick inside when I think about it. I have no idea why I feel like that either.

[Tess]

Maybe you both feel that way because you are kind-hearted and decent guys. I think it shows how much you care about your current girlfriend and that you want the best for her. You value her, feel protective of her, and know she deserves better experiences than those she had when she was younger. No mystery here, guys. It just means you're nice.

Does that make sense?

[InsertNameHere]

Originally Posted by Tess

Maybe you both feel that way because you are kind-hearted and decent guys. I think it shows how much you care about your current girlfriend and that you want the best for her. You value her, feel protective of her, and know she deserves better experiences than those she had when she was younger. No mystery here, guys. It just means you're nice.

Does that make sense?

I think you hit the nail right on here. Thanks. I guess a new question arises in that of bringing up this topic with her. I would love it if she thinks the way you are thinking and realizes that I just care a lot about her. On the otherhand I don't want her to think I'm nosy or whatever. What are the chances that she responds like you did to my post?

[Morbid]

Well I've felt this before, I wasn't dating the girl when she told me, but we eventually got together and it stayed on my mind a lot. I figured it was just nerves. It happened before and you worry and hope at the same time that it won't again, then the big BUT if it did, then what? would come around. Just trust her and believe in her, and tell yourself it is in the past and is staying in the past.

[WallyLlama]

There are plenty of threads discussing this... and they all boil down to this:

Don't make the mistake of making your partner's past more important than she is or more important than the relationship.

The only thing you really need to "worry" about is the present... that you are both on the same page... and that you both have similar outlooks and values along with the ability to manage your own feelings and the relationship.

Four months is not really a long term relationship... but one test of the relationship could be whether or not you can ask her to help you deal with it.

Right now your putting it between you and allowing it to be a wedge.

What do you love the most... her or her past?

[Tess]

Originally Posted by InsertNameHere

What are the chances that she responds like you did to my post?

I can't say how she'll respond because I'm not her (obviously ). But I can say that being open and honest with her about it is really important, especially if it's really bothering you. Like Wally said, right now it's a wedge between you and her, and relationships are tough enough without all sorts of "unspoken" stuff swirling around.

[tbryson2]

My wife and I have been married for more than 28 wonderful years. In the beginning, and throughout our marriage, I too get "bothered" by my wifes past. (She's the only one I've ever had, but she played around a bit before we got married). Even to this day, if I dwell on it enough, I'm a bit bothered by it. Not like before though. Sometimes it brings up more curiosity than "concern". In fact, she had an exceptional time with one of her lovers, and it took her years before she started to instruct me on how he did it. Now I'm REAL jealous that he got her (like that) at an earlier age. How I would have LOVED to be that guy! Dang she can be fun when she opens up!

[Sirene]

Originally Posted by tbryson2

My wife and I have been married for more than 28 wonderful years. In the beginning, and throughout our marriage, I too get "bothered" by my wifes past. (She's the only one I've ever had, but she played around a bit before we got married). Even to this day, if I dwell on it enough, I'm a bit bothered by it. Not like before though. Sometimes it brings up more curiosity than "concern". In fact, she had an exceptional time with one of her lovers, and it took her years before she started to instruct me on how he did it. Now I'm REAL jealous that he got her (like that) at an earlier age. How I would have LOVED to be that guy! Dang she can be fun when she opens up!

I hate the feeling I get inside when I think about my girlfriends past, it makes me feel so down. The key is though, not letting it become an uncontrollable jealousy.

[Caitlain]

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

Don't make the mistake of making your partner's past more important than she is or more important than the relationship.

The only thing you really need to "worry" about is the present... that you are both on the same page... and that you both have similar outlooks and values along with the ability to manage your own feelings and the relationship.

Four months is not really a long term relationship... but one test of the relationship could be whether or not you can ask her to help you deal with it.

Right now your putting it between you and allowing it to be a wedge.

What do you love the most... her or her past?

An excellent reply. I agree with you 100%.