large age gap

[sdking]

I am 18 and my gf is 25. My mom found out and she is going berzerk. It is really mentally draining deall with her BS. Any adivice on how i can keep from going completely insane?

[dancingdoc2]

Yes, two things:

T#1. Find a girl your own age.
T#2. Date lots of girls your own age

There is more to this than just a seven year spread in ages. There is quite literally a world of difference in maturity levels. The brain doesn't fully mature until a person is about twenty one. The last part of the brain to develop is a part of the frontal cortex that makes it possible for us to understand and foresee the consequences of our actions.

I do not understand what a woman her age finds of interest in a boy your age. Perhaps it has to do with your raging hormones that will peak your sex drive in a few months. That might be worth sticking around for.....

I'm not trying to make fun of you or your involvement; however, this is serious business and your mother has fair grounds to be concerned. After all, not only being older, she is wiser by virtue of having lived longer and accumulated much more knowledge than either of you. She knows the things you do not yet know you do not know. Quite frankly, I'd get off my high horse and accept some wise council.

By dating many girls, you will learn more about what humanity has to offer. It is unwise to stop dating with the first warm body who expresses an interest in you. All of us at your age need to acquire life experience and you cannot experience much if you do not get out and meet people and interact with others. This is what dating is all about. You will learn more about interests, likes, dislikes, quirks, goals, ambitions, character, morals, etc., et cetera, etc., so that when the time does come to narrow the field and to begin focusing on just one woman, you will have a much better idea of who will best suit you.

By not having a committed relationship just yet, you will get around tensions and the trauma and drama of break ups, not to mention all the dynamics that add stress to a person life when relationships become demanding as they often do at this stage of the game.

I agree with your mother. In theory you are an adult and can do as you please, yet if you are living at home and are not autonomous, making your own way in life unaided, you best listen to her. As the saying goes: If Mama ain't happy...ain't nobody happy. Listen to her. Listen to me.

> Any adivice on how i can keep from going completely insane?

Date lots of girls and do not have any exclusive relationships for a few more years.

[sdking]

Not exactly the answer I wanted to hear but thanks for the advice. I want to ride this one out just to see where it goes. Maybe she could just be a **** buddy.

[thetease13]

Well, here's another perspective. You are legal and you can date who you want whether your parents agree with it or not.

I am 25 years old. I see someone from time to time that is about 20 years older than me (yea, and you thought your age gap was big). My parents would probably have a coniption fit if they ever found out about it. But what it boils down to is I am of age and he is of age and our age gap does not bother me and it does not bother him. That right there is what matters. It doesn't matter what other people think, it matters what we think, and if we can make it work, which we do, then it shouldn't matter what others think about it. If you can make the relationship work, despite the age gap, then go for it. If you find too many differences because of the age gap then it's not worth it.

So, anyways, while you perhaps still live under your parent's roof, you are still of age, and being of age means that you have the right to date someone older than you if you choose to.

[NizeGie]

Yeah, but ....

The age gap is less of an issue than the age. An extreme example: most people would say a 12-year-old with a 19-year-old is kind of deviant, while nobody would bat an eye at a 35-year-old with a 42-year-old.

Once you're an adult -- which may not occur at the same age for everyone, but almost certainly happens by 25 -- age differences become a whole 'nother issue. Not to say it isn't an issue at all, but it's a different issue entirely, and one both parties can understand and deal with (if they want to) in a manner that's appropriate to the relationship and people.

[dancingdoc2]

> > what it boils down to is I am of age and he is of age and our age gap does not bother me and it does not bother him. That right there is what matters.

> The age gap is less of an issue than the age.

What matters is being on the same "page". A 12 and 19 year old are certainly not; 25 and 18 year olds are not, although the gap in emotional and intellectual maturity are much closer. By the time a 35 and 42 year old couple get together there is virtually no gap in life experience and maturity.

>>> I want to ride this one out just to see where it goes. Maybe she could just be a **** buddy.

Fair enough as long as she understands your intentions. Please make sure that if you do this that you both use protection.

[NizeGie]

By the time a 35 and 42 year old couple get together there is virtually no gap in life experience and maturity.

More "yes, but ...":

I think I'm somewhat more on the same page as thetease13.

A 25-year-old and a 45-year-old clearly have a significant "gap in life experience." Nonetheless, I think there can be a satisfactory relationships between them.

Okay, maybe they're not likely to wind up doing the traditional "settling down," with white picket fences and the like ... maybe it's just a fleeting episode in both lives ... maybe it's something else entirely ... who knows?

I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se, so long as both parties can think. Which most 25-year-olds do quite well (often better than 45-year-olds, when you get down to it).

[thetease13]

I will simply say this... again. If you can make it work, then you can make it work. If there's too many differences, then it's not worth it.

We make ours work, despite the 20 year age gap. We do have our differences, as any normal couple, age gap or not, would. And it is true he has experienced more than me in life. I'm not going to deny that. But I always tell him that just because I haven't done it or experienced it or whatever, doesn't mean I don't understand. Just because someone is young doesn't mean they don't understand.

But, it will not however work for other people. Some people can't take more than a year between each other, even if they're on the "same page" in life. Age is nothing but a number to some, like me, while age means everything in the world to other people.

People with different ages and even differences in life can still connect in a lot of ways and if they want to make it work, they will.

[WallyLlama]

How does one measure the "success" of a relationship? Now there's a question that could have a lot of different answers...

But to the original post. Deciding to date someone significantly older does not automatically create adult status. Any time a person lives at home with parents the amount of independence he or she has is going to be relative. In other words, Mom gets to bezerk over whatever it is that Mom decides to go beserk over. You may think it's "B.S." but it's her B.S. and she is, like it or not, entitled to it.

You can't demand total freedom until or unless you take total responsbility for yourself. And, even when/if you start doing that, you can't outlaw Mom's B.S. If you are considering something long term or serious, the way to bring Mom over is to get on her side and at least understand what's troubling her. If you do that, she's sorta obligated to listen to and understand you.

It would be no different if it wasn't the age issue... pick anything that Mom might think "wrong" about a potential partner... could be she doesn't like blondes or something. See, one of the hallmarks of maturity is understanding that others are entitled to their reality and they aren't going to change their reality simply because you don't like it or approve of it. One corollary to that is wanting to do something isn't necessarily the justification for doing it.

I can't resist noting that you seem to be leaning towards making this girl a **** buddy - apparently because of the difficulties associated with a serious relationship. Sorta proving your Mom is right, I'd say... because what she's really saying is that you're not yet ready to start making your own decisions.

[Sirene]

Originally Posted by sdking

I am 18 and my gf is 25. My mom found out and she is going berzerk. It is really mentally draining deall with her BS. Any adivice on how i can keep from going completely insane?

lol you should have seen my mum when I was 17 & ****ing a 34yr old! She went NUTS!! But she eventually accepted it & knew there was nothing she could do about it & i was old enough to decide who i shagged.