Help Please!

[pronovas]

I met this girl and things have been great for 4 months. We are both 18 and just graduated. We have hung out nearly everday for the whole time. I just feel that when I ask questions she doesn't go into detail. For example

Q "Where did you go with Amanda last night"

A "Ohh we just drove around"

It seems like she is hiding somthing, and everytime I ask her what else she gets mad or starts crying. I just have a hard time trusting her. Each time we hang out she tells me a new story or I find outsomthing that pisses me off. Am I too uptight? I know people have previous relationships and pasts..

I probly didn't give enough information... But any help would be grateful. Thanks for hearing my pathetic cries. I love you all replyerS!!!

Pronovas

[dancingdoc2]

> I just feel that when I ask questions she doesn't go into detail....It seems like she is hiding somthing, and everytime I ask her what else she gets mad or starts crying.

Well, you are behaving like a lot of young bucks in that once you establish a "relationhip" being male and dominate, you mistakenly believe you have to lead and by leading you must know all and control all. I'm here to tell you that this is not what leading is all about and I ought to know as I am a Ballroom dance instructor and I tell all my male pupils that leading is an indication of what you want your partner to do. Put another way, leading is to guide and in this case the relationship. The old adage that many 4-5 year olds bring up of "you're not the boss of me!" is just as apt with a relationship.

She got along quite well before you entered the picture and will get along OK after you break up if statistics hold. She is seeing you and hanging out with you and in this relationship with you because she wants to be. I assume the same is true for you. So, that said, guide your relatlionship in partnership. Give ideas, and suggestions for this or that, no demands or ultiimatums. The basis of and the foundation for a happy successful relationship is trust, mutual admiration, and two people working together for the common good. Like you, she is an independant person who chooses to share her life with you. The same should be true of you with her. This does not give either of you license to run an agenda or the other person's life.

You've only known her four months and part of that was casual. It's is still too soon to have developed the trust you believe you need. Also, you only have the right to know what she wants to share at this point in time. She probably feels like she is being pressured for what are personal moments. Back off. If you want to know something you think she will be reluctant to openly share, simply tell her you would be interested in knowing if she wants to share and leave it at that.

I bet you probably feel that the more you know about her and her activities the closer you will be to her. This is not a bad thing, although, it is probably wanting and expecting too much too soon. When she is more secure with you and the relationship and knows that there is a future, you will probably find that she will be willing to share more of her activities and thoughts and ideas and goals with you. Give it time and let the process evlolve.

> I just have a hard time trusting her. Each time we hang out she tells me a new story or I find outsomthing that pisses me off. Am I too uptight? I know people have previous relationships and pasts.

Here is a good description of "trust". I suggest considering what is presented on this page and compare it to your idea of what trust is.

http://www.womentodaymagazine.com/re...FQ2PWAod0Ag-bQ

From your short example, I do not find anything that should make you feel insecure or difficult to have trust.

A "relationship" is its own entity. It is fed and cared for by the contributions of the people involved. You do not have to know every minute detail. The two of you have separate lives. Perhaps you work, or go to school, have friends and eat lunch with people and then go home. You do not have to share every minute of every hour or even the details of meetings, etc. It is often sufficient for most of us to know that s/he did this or that today and it went well or not. If the she or you wants to get into more of the nitty-gritty we will. Again, you can ask if you want, telling her that if she wants to share you want to hear, but do not pester or beg or make a jackass out of yourself.

[Ryouko]

sorry for getting off topic, but you have a really cool name, does it mean anything, or did you get it from somewhere?

[WallyLlama]

If you feel like she is hiding something you are probably coming across as a detective. Are playing good cop or bad cop?

While I'd say this problem is not about communication... there's an aspect of this that might include the possibility that she doesn't know how to share (communicate) and/or isn't used to telling detail. If that is the case, your approach is going to clam her up even more. You're making it clear that you are not really interested in her, it really is about you.

Are you too uptight? In a word, "yes."