Long-Distance Friendship and Potential Relationship?

[Codemonkey]

Greetings everyone, this is my first post here, found the site while browsing the internets for information. Guess I found what I was looking for.

I've heard for the good portion of my teenage life that "Long-Distance Relationships never work" and "They'll end up taking advantage of you through your wallet", etc... Etc. While, I have no knowledge of Girlfriend/Boyfriend Relationships, I know a great deal about maintaining a long, worthwhile, and healthy Long-Distance Friendship. Allow me to go into detail, while trying to refrain from ranting.

It started out about 3 years ago, at a summer camp, a computer camp (yes, I'm a nerd, and I admit it.) I gained numerous friends there, and I maintained their friendship over email and instant-messaging. One of my close friends, who was my roommate in later camp sessions, referred me to a Gaming/Role-playing forum he was staff at. Initially, I paid little mind to it, as the forum seemed too close-knit for new members to get into. He soon encouraged (near forced) me to join in on an Open-RP thread. So I did and got acquainted with some of the forum-regulars. One of these posters began to indulge in actively role-playing with myself and my friend from camp. I became interested in them (didn't know about gender at the time, didn't care, just interested from a Gamer-Standpoint.) It turns out, the member was female, and she had arraigned to get my contact information from my camp friend. One day before I emailed her, I got a message in my inbox that said in big, bold letters, "Heather wants to talk to you!” So I got on MSN, and added her to my list. We talked for about 4 hours that one night, just random things, getting to know each other a bit. I found out that she lived in England, which I paid little mind to, considering, at the time, I was just looking for a casual friendship. We soon arraigned to speak again over MSN the next day, and the next day, and the next, and so on. We began the path to a strong friendship.

Fast forward a bit, maybe about a year and a half ago. After Heather and I were very close friends, and we knew that we had the same interests in virtually everything (games, music, comics, food, etc.), I began to have feelings for her, with was odd for me, as I am generally... Unresponsive... To relationships, due to horrid experiences in the past. I had not seen her, or spoken to her on the phone, but I felt an odd attraction nonetheless, we were so similar in every way, aside from our personality: I tend to be a bit more open and outgoing, and in some cases, a bit aggressive. She tends to be quite shy and quiet, but being friendly to everyone.

We are/were both very self-conscious about our appearance, but she finally worked up the courage to use her webcam with me, and I to her... Honestly, I had to regain my composure after she turned her webcam on and smiled, I was shocked... She was perhaps one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen.

I began to realize I did indeed have some feelings for her, a "crush" if you will... Tragically, I had made the mistake of telling, who, at the time, was also a close friend. He admitted to me that he had the same feelings about her. (We both knew her for about the same time, in similar situations.) I became a bit depressed, because I knew he was better than me in nearly every sense, and he would peruse her to every mean. Sparing details, there was a bizarre tension between us three for a while, but... Oddly enough, I ended up victorious, in the sense that she valued me as a closer friend. This was when depression did indeed kick in:

We never spoke openly about dating, as I did not want to hint at my feelings for her, as I knew she would not return them. She began to date men, and told me about her experiences with them... I became ever more depressed with each time she told me a story. I... Unknowingly, played a large role in her relationships with others. She confided in me, and looked for advice. In the end, both the guys she dated in this time were immature and "sleazy". She did not know them well, as she had barely just met them, telling me, "You see, I don't date close friends, it may ruin the relationship." My heart sank, I thought, and still think, I have no chance with her.

Depression and Insomnia kicked in, I contemplated suicide over this, which, in retrospect, was a foolish thing to even consider, but I was blinded by my feelings. One night, I told her that I planned to kill myself by gunshot to the head, for, "reasons, I really don't want to talk about." There was about a five minute silence, and I finally said, "Heather, are you there?" she responded instantly with, "Yes, sorry, I'm crying too hard to type properly." She, and some of my close friends and classmates, managed to talk me out of it, as well as regular visits to the Physiologist.

Present time: Though still ravaged by insomnia, and sometimes depression, I maintain a very good friendship with her, I consider her to be my closest friend, despite the physical-distance. She feels the same way about me. We mutually love each other on a friendship level, as we would do anything for one another.

Problems I face here:

1. Age difference, I'm 15; she's 17, about a 2 and a half year age difference between us. In the long run, this is so minor, but in the teenage years, this seems like forever.
2. Self-Esteem, I hate myself, I hate the way I look, and I hate the way I act, I know I do, I know it's unhealthy. I know this lack of confidence will destroy any relationship.
3. Largest one, "I don't date close friends", it doesn't make sense to me, and I’d only date someone if I knew them through and through... I worry this may be the killer.

I do not, however, worry about the actual distance, because I do plan to move to the UK during college, as, fate would have it, the university of my choice takes me right by her house.

There, story of my life, I do hope to receive some feedback on this, thank you all.

P.S. Sorry for the wall of text, and I hope to god she doesn't stumble upon this.

[Newtolove]

well if she does not date very close friends and that is the only way you do then you have a difference there, you need to face up to it if she is that determined. Are you sure this is not just a crush and the fact that you have never met her ?

killing your self mate won't get you no where and I'll garatee to you theres n o afterlife and hheaven so just stick it out mate your only shot in life is to live it.

so why not just tell her you like her more as a friend ?

it is not the end of the world as bad as that may seem but you will find another girl thats for sure but you seem to make obstacles that are not there.

do ytou know what she thinks of your appearance ? ask her and don't have such a complex about your self start trying to understand if you really have the problems you think you have or if it is just your imagination and then try and solve them one by one

[WallyLlama]

1. Your assessment is correct -- you are at very different stages of life.

2. Right again. Not sure how much more needs to be said about it... one must look at where one is because that is where you relate from. I assume you are discussing this with your psychologist.

3. It's a reason she's giving to avoid deepening the relationship with you. It's her reason; it only has to make sense to her. Given the distance, it's also a moot point. You can't date in the traditional sense. You can define your on-line relationship.

It's interesting that you hope she doesn't stumble on to your post. If she is your dearest friend... I would think she would know most of what you have posted... or that you would want her to?

All of that said... online long distance relationships can be very intense and they can be very postive because they are somewhat communication dependent. But they can also be very deceiving.

What you have written, by the way, is not the story of your life... there is, hopefully, much more going on in it... and a lot more of it ahead of you. I realize that is a turn of a phrase, but it also seems that you may be making some things much more serious and significant than they are.

[Newtolove]

it is difficult to know someone esclusively online, I think you should meet them at least once before throwing your heart into it, things can just appear so different.

[Darkmidget]

I agree fully with Newtolove. The person I currently have my eye on actually found me online through Xanga of all things lol. We got the chance to meet in person, her personality wasn't to different thank god, but you should ALWAYS meet the person first, maybe a few times to get to know thier TRUE personalities.

Also, I don't care about your reason for low self esteem, bring that up dude. High Self Esteem is one of THE BEST things you can have. The best part is, you can fix it yourself without anyone else's help at any time of the day. IM me sometime on Darkmidget777 if you want.. I've kind of gone through the same thing as you earlier in my life.

[Browser]

Wow. Deja-vous. I too have suffered from depression, and almost killed myself over a girl... both a long time ago.

During the period of (almost?) love for that girl, I lied and manipulated simply to keep myself from hurting. In so doing, I learned to control my emotions, which proved to be a wonderful discovery. From that I realized that sometimes you just have to put feelings behind you. Spend some time alone to do some soul-searching. Learn how your mind works, and how to influence your emotions.

Once you've learned how to control your emotions, force yourself to make Heather into a friend instead of a love interest. This will take time, and it may hurt, but I've found it works. Remember that she isn't everything, even though you might think she is. Work to find joy in everyday life, and gradually wean your thoughts from her. Forget the stories she tells you about her relationships. Focusing on them will cause you to self-destruct. Pave it over. Find a person you can both confide in and really talk to. Being honest with other people will make you honest with yourself, and that will help you more than anything else can.

You'll heal yourself completely in time, but you just need to hang in there and actually do it. You'll be fine

Blue days, all of 'em gone..
Nothin' but blue skies from now on.

[Browser]

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

It's interesting that you hope she doesn't stumble on to your post. If she is your dearest friend... I would think she would know most of what you have posted... or that you would want her to?

It makes sense to me. It might just be one of those things you have to experience to appreciate.

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

I realize that is a turn of a phrase, but it also seems that you may be making some things much more serious and significant than they are.

How could we not harp over things in our own lives? We only truely know one perspective in the intimacy that comes only from having lived it.

[WallyLlama]

Sorry, Browser... I tried existentialism for awhile and decided it was a cop out. While we of course can never fully understand another... I also wonder if we ever truly understand ourselves. But I don't respond well to the "you have to experience it to appreciate it."

Most people are a little too self-absorbed. It's one of the reasons we have trouble sharing... and creating a genuine intimacy with others. We share things about a person with everybody but the person.

One of the tendencies that's clear on this forum... people get so wrapped up in their perspective of their problem they stop looking for solutions.

[Browser]

I go from the basis that we're totally self-absorbed.
It's hard not to be at first.

However, many people hide feelings of intimacy from the possible partner because they are afraid of rejection and embarrasment. I probably should have put that in my argument.

Personally, I'm a medley of Transcendentalism and Romanticism.

[WallyLlama]

Speaking of self-absorbed, it's interesting that CodeMonkey apparently hasn't been back on the forum since his original post.

So maybe we have yet another example of a 15 year old taking him/herself way too seriously? Unfortunately, knowing the language doesn't equal understanding the words.

I think we sometimes fail to understand what some of these posts are... they are not a plea for help, they are a need to be heard. Perhaps sometimes to provide release... other times simply for the drama and attention... I'd certainly agree that most 15 year olds are self-absorbed (although it's not limited to teenagers). Part of becoming a functioning adult is realizing that doesn't really work in relationships, doesn't matter what the reasons for it are.

One of the interesting aspects of "helping" forums and support groups is that they often turn into comiserating and a sort of group happiness because everybody shares the same problems. Of late, we've have a preponderance of people who don't actually seem interested in solving anything, they just hope to find people who will "understand."

"I'm not good at math. But I really don't want to study. Can anybody help me?"

Some will reply... "Oh migod! I have the same problem...!"

My reply is "nope."

Ultimately, neither reply is right and neither reply is wrong.