Different kinds of love?

[greenidentity]

Some of you may remember an earlier thread I made about an old flame I recently hooked back up with. This is an update, and I'm also seeking advice.

We have been together now around 3 months. At first I was really infatuated with him all the time, couldnt stop thinking of him, e.t.c. But now, while I still am attracted to him and have strong feelings for him, I don't get that big excitement or strong desire to always be with him or any of that.

Here's the situation. We are very different in lifestyle, he's in the suburbs, I'm a city girl. He 's a parent, I'm not. I am a bit rowdy, he is pretty stable and quiet. He's pretty sheltered and I am street smart, e.t.c. But we've both decided those things don't matter much. As some of you know, he has a 9 year old son and has full custody of him. I have no kids, and little experience with them. Even so, I would like to get to know his son someday. But, the sons mother has expressed disrespect for me, and has even told the son some negative things about me. Also, my boyfriend didn't date anyone for years and years, and his son got used to it being "just me and Dad". He's not too happy about me being in the picture now. Regardless of all this mess, I decided I didn't want to leave and that I wanted to stay and try to work all this out, and be patient, wait for rewards e.t.c.

You see, in my past relationships, things have always happened quite fast and been pretty fiery. Falling love with the utmost passion and force. My longest relationship was 4 years. It's what I've been used to. Now I am older, I do find myself craving stability and a healthier relationship. He provides that for me. he is very stable and not an emotional cripple like I'm used to. I have been used to having to fight for my previous boyfriends love and respect, and when they'd mess up or hurt themselves in some way, I would always be there to rescue them and take care of them. This realtionship is much different. I feel like this time I am the emotional cripple.

A few weeks ago, I started experiencing some personal depression. I've always been a bit melancholy in my temperment, but this time I got really low. I got really bland and disinterested in things. I felt disconnected from things. Didn't feel like my "normal" self at all. Felt sad all th time. To face a day was a struggle, simply because i felt so apathetic about stuff. This is not like me at all. I am normally pretty outgoing and have a lot of fire and spark to me. I don't understand why. I did go through a bad period this last couple years. I had a lot of loss that's been hard for me to get over. But now, things are starting to pick up for me, then I get the lowest I've ever been. I just don't get it. I also have horrible self confidence issues. Anyone who knows me even a little bit can see it right away. It's hard for me to feel confident about myself at all. I feel worthless a lot. My boyfriend knows all of this and has dealt with me wonderfully. He wants to stay by my side and he is very reassuring and soothing to me.

So I guess I'm confused about what's happening. I feel very strongly for this guy, I even think I might love him. But it seems as I get older, things aren't as easy to figure out anymore. The truth becomes more elusive. I don't feel really super giddy and excited about him. When I want to think of nice things to do for him, I feel at a loss. He seems to have everything. He's not a person who needs much, he's much more of a giver and he gives me a lot, materially, emotionally and physically. I do look forward to spending time with him and i do think of him when we are apart, just not all the time. When I am with him, I feel happy and have a good time. We get along great. He says he gets really excited and tingly and thinks of me all the time. I wish I could say the same back but I can't. He says he would hate to lose me, really wants me in his life and is scared to death of me leaving him. I don't feel really super excited about ANYTHING lately. I am interested, but not fiery like I'm used to.

They say when you're alone, it's so easy to get caught up in your own mythology. When you are with someone, you have to face the ugly parts of yourself. Next to him I feel so inferior, because I am emotionally weak and he is so good to me and takes such good care of me, and I'm still somewhat wild and like my alone time and freedom (i always have been that way.)

I'm wondering if I should just break it off with him now to spare any further pain that may come. I don't WANT to, because I am happy with him. But sometimes I think I should maybe feel more than I do. I need to either jump or not jump, instead of sitting on the edge. I try to think of myself alone again, and I can't really imagine it. I know I would be sad without him, but I'm not sure if it'd be the crippling kind, where you know you made a huge mistake, or just the normal kind that goes away sort of fast.

I'm not sure if this is just a new kind of love for me and I'm not used to it? The kind that grows. And after all we've only been together for a few months, but shouldn't I be a lot more excited especially this early on? I am just not sure what to do I guess. Even though I've had my share of relationships, this is all so new to me.

Kudo's to anyone who made it through this whole thing. Any help at all would be wonderful.

[truck21]

Hello i lived the city life and suburbs used to it. I read all of what you wrote some of those things i have into things happen i try to keep getting up... I think you should talk to him if you both are over 18 i say head out of house and go some where to be with him if you want, Parents are good for a while But i have learned tho in a point of time when there not the same anymore trying to tell you how to live your life it's time to cut the string and move out and go on.. I say if you want to be with this guy the 2 of you need to sit down and express your feelings and let him know what you want....

[Newtolove]

well frankly you have not really in this or your other post from what i remember given us a good reason why you think you should leave him so why leave ? I think I understand you you want to settle down and have a stable life with a stable person so why not gget on with it if you feel it is right.
I think much of your problem is linked to the kids mum (I gather this from your other post) I am afraid that I can't help much on that except let the kid decide when he wants to be your friend, kids hate adults showing more attention than they want just let him know you are there for him if he wants you but don't be pushy.

[greenidentity]

Originally Posted by truck21

Hello i lived the city life and suburbs used to it. I read all of what you wrote some of those things i have into things happen i try to keep getting up... I think you should talk to him if you both are over 18 i say head out of house and go some where to be with him if you want, Parents are good for a while But i have learned tho in a point of time when there not the same anymore trying to tell you how to live your life it's time to cut the string and move out and go on.. I say if you want to be with this guy the 2 of you need to sit down and express your feelings and let him know what you want....

I didn't really understand much of what you said here at all, but I think you were indicating we still lived with our parents?

My boyfriend has a 9 year old son. Therefore, I would say that we have been out of our parents for a long time, lol.

I know this was a long read, but does anyone have any insight for me? It's a tricky situation, and I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

[WallyLlama]

I have a little light that goes off when I see statements like, "I have personal depression." It's a hot button; I have biases.

Self-diagnosed depression is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's one of those "good ones" because depression is a sucking whirlpool so when people think they are (clinically) depressed, they end up proving it to themselves by focusing on the negativity. Unfortunately, the medical community provides a disservice in the form of "here, take a pill." How nice: if you take a pill you don't have change your thinking, you simply get to enjoy the little high...

That's a lot of pontificating... but here's a reality check you can cash.

Life, relationships, whatever are not always exciting.

What you are seeing as a negative may in fact be a positive. You don't have to be the fiery outgoing alwasy there person... you get to just be sometimes.

You mention the mythology... and how being with someone makes you face the ugly parts of yourself. Somewhat true, of course, but only half the story.

Being with someone also helps you discover the good things about yourself. But wait, there's more! Being with someone means you share. Learning to share can be harder than one might think... there's a potential book in this one, but consider - for example - that learning to share involves trusting yourself and your partner and being able to give up the safety of control. (Note your comment about still being a bit wild and enjoying your freedom.)

You're right, there's a lot in your post. The issues with his son are unfortunate and an added complication.

If you sincerely think you are depressed, get help. The key is that you get some behavioral therapy (counseling) as well as drug therapy (happy pills).

At the same time, it might be time to start looking at your life from both sides now. (Sounds like a song!) It does sound like you are blazing some new relationship ground... it just might be a good thing! It's great to have someone to travel over the new ground with... but it can also be difficult.

Don't self-destruct. It's too easy.

[greenidentity]

I agree with a lot of what you've said. My doctor had given me Zoloft to take (this is the first time I've ever taken anti depressents after years of family and some friends telling me they think I am depressed, I've always just though it was life) after I had some strange emotional **** going on. I got depressed for a few weeks, where I felt disinterested in everything and just didnt feel like myself. After 5 days of taking the pills, I've decided to stop them for several reasons. One being that I think my depression stems only from my lack of motivation to do anything to make myself happy. My happiness has always been in my hands. I've always been able to bounce back. I am a pretty quirky and fiery person, it isn't in my nature to stay down. Even though I do get down qute easily, I've come back up eventually. I feel I'm walking a thin line with this now, and that bouncing back isn't so easy anymore. But, after doing some soul searching the last few days, I've felt better, and I know it's not the pills. They wouldn't work that fast. It's me, and I need to keep doing the things that have contributed to my happiness instead of being stagnant.

All that aside, I came to the same conclusions you mentioned. Giving up control is maybe a big fear of mine. Commitment is scary. The uknown is scary. I need to quit worrying and, as you said, just let things be. I try to imagine what would hapen if I did go back to being alone again, and I'm sure I'd be happier in some ways, but I also wouldn't be moving forward or taking a journey that may be good for me.

I am going to hang in there with this for awhile. The way I see it now, things can only get BETTER from where I am. I'm hoping that they will. If I am feeling depressed or feeling bad because I don't have the fire and excitment I'm used to, I'll have to try and assess exactly where it's coming from. That's the tricky part. But all I can do is try. The biggest thing is that I don't want to hurt him or be in this if I'm not ready. I think it may be too soon to tell. I think that this is just such a different situation for me, and I do have to give up a lot of the control I'm used to, and give up old ideas about love and relationships I have been used to. I just hate the sinking feeling that comes along with some of it...

They say good things don't always come easy.....

[WallyLlama]

WHOA!

I love most of what you are saying... but it is not a good idea to simply stop taking the Zoloff without consulting with the doctor. I'm no expert on this... but I think I know most docs are very particularly about that... I suspect it has something to do with the drug changing your chemistry and if you simply eliminate it you'll really hit the bottom.

They would work that fast. You are on drugs. :-) When people go off drugs they go into withdrawal.

Please reconsider what you are doing with the meds... at least consult with the Doctor and tell him what you want to do! He'll explain, I'm sure, that you should wean yourself off and tell you how...

Do that NOW. I did not mean to imply you should not take meds. The point was the meds alone aren't enough, some work needs to accompany them. At the same time, the work alone may not be enough either. You may be able to eliminate the Zoloff, but it has to be done property.

Call the doctor.

[greenidentity]

A few things:

I know that you were not implying I go off them. It's something I had thought of myself a bit. When I went on the meds, I didn't really think about what I was doing, I wasn't really going into the whole meds situation with my eyes wide open. After I researched it a bit more, I started having my doubts. I was also feeling a lot better. Here are a few facts.

I was on the meds for 5 days.

It does indeed take a few weeks to be fully stablilized in anyone's system. Even though I was feeling physical side effects after only the first day, and even though Zoloft is a fast acting med, it does take awhile for it to become stable in your system.

I had 2 choices. I could discontinue taking it now, where I was at the least risk for any sort of withdrawals (which I did a lot fo research on before stopping, and I SHOULD have done research on before even starting!) or continue taking it until my doctor said OK to stop, therefore increasing my withdrawal risks, day by day.

There is no way I was feeling better already because of the drug, only after the 3rd day of taking it. So, with the risks of withdrawals/heavy depression e.t.c. in mind, I stopped taking it. My eyes are wide open about this.

I stopped 2 days ago, I still feel fine, happy actually. And I went out with my boyfriend the other night and we had the perfect night together. All I needed was to open myself up a bit and let things "be".

Thank you for your concern, but I know the risks and I'm pretty sure at this point that any depression were due to my own emotional blocks.

I have an appt with my doctor in a few days for a follow up. I'm fine. If I stop feeling fine before then, I will call ASAP.

[WallyLlama]

Thanks... sorry if I sounded a bit over-the-edge! For one thing, I didn't realize you'd only been on them five days.

I'd say your situation when you went on the meds was pretty typical... most people don't think/realize (and aren't told by their doctor) the full ramifications of taking anti-depressants. I've occasionally wondered if regular MDs should be dispensing them - maybe a referral to a mental health specialist should be required? (Although I've met some pretty wacky mental health specialsts as well. LOL)

I honestly think you've found the magic. You're responsible for your own emotional health... and that includes using all the tools available wisely.

Congratulations!

[Newtolove]

yea say that again about phony doctors here in Italy my mum went to a psychiatrest and she did not seem that good to me. I hope it isa better else where