Confused...

[PaulOrama]

I have a feeling this will be difficult to explain, so please bare with me...

I've been dating my girlfriend now for just over 3 months. Before I tell you what's really on my mind I'll tell you the background story. We met 3 years ago in class. We both had crushes on eachother then but I wasn't mature enough and neither of us acted on our feelings and after much talking as friends we eventually grew apart and once she found a boyfriend we slowly just stopped talking.
About a year and a half after we had stopped talking she randomly messaged me online asking how I was. We talked and connected again, but I had no intentions of going out with her since she was still with her boyfriend and I thought of us better as friends. Slowly we began to become very close again, staying up all night talking to eachother online... still as only good friends in my mind. Then one night her boyfriend broke up with her for another girl. She, obviously after getting out of a 2 year relationship, was very upset. I tried to make her feel better as much as I could and during this I started to feel for her again, and after awhile she began to tell me some of the same things. However, I still tried to think of us as friends and... I suppose it's true that I was somewhat afraid of not being able to make her as happy as her previous boyfriend had, so I told her I thought of us better as just good friends. She quickly began dating an older guy. He didn't treat her well at all and at this time she was really depressed and unhappy. We would still talk and she would still tell me things... even going as far as to tell me that even after we stopped talking the first time now 2 years ago she for some reason always thought about me and found me online by searching for over 2 months asking people she talked to for my screenname and eventually finding me on... myspace after much searching haha.
Eventually her new boyfriend cheated on her and she broke up with him. We were still talking all the time and she was really pushing how much she liked me... which is good because I can be uneasy about starting relationships with people. I still had the image of her being a "party-girl" in my head and couldn't see us working out so I did the ******* thing and always told her we were just good friends. After several months she found some guy at a party. She told me about him and I made myself tell her she should go for it and be happy... but I never really liked the guy. She would call me every night after they started going out on her way home from work crying or upset and tell me how much she cared about me and how she wasn't happy with the guy. He wasn't a good influence and even went as far as to take down a picture of her and I she kept in her room every day, a picture she would put back up after he left, and he even demanded she stop talking to me... something she never did.
Eventually she gave up and stopped calling or visiting me. It wasn't long before I realized how much I enjoyed her visits and talking with her and I realized my mistake. I would never tell her how I felt as long as she was with someone because that's the same respect I would want from any other guy if I was dating someone, but when one of our mutual friends asked if I missed her I told her I did and when she asked if I liked her I told her yes. We talked about it online and I told her I wouldn't tell her and I honestly didn't expect her to tell anyone, but she called her that very day and told her to come over and showed her the entire conversation.
We talked and talked... and talked and she told me she wasn't happy with the guy she was with and had been wanting to break up with him for a long time but was afraid to do so. I told her I didn't expect her to and that I understood but despite this she broke up with him.
I "dated" for about 2 months and hung out every day. We were both extremely happy. I had never been very comfortable around girls when I was in relationships with them... only as friends, but she made me comfortable and was surprised how much I could do around her and how happy she made me. She came out of her depression right before we began dating and things couldn't have been better.
One day I told her to have the next day completely open for us to do something. I picked her up that day and drove for an hour and a half to my favorite place in the world, a place I had often talked to her about... the town I was born in. I showed her around and told her all of the stories from my childhood and we had a nice lunch... it was truely a perfect day and one of the happiest days I've yet to have. Just as the sun was beginning to go down we went to one of the parks in the town. There was a path through the woods we walked in holding hands all the way until we came upon a small lake where we sat in the sand and talked until we had to leave to go home. She began to walk away when I cleared a spot in the sand and wrote "Prom?". I told her to look and at first a puzzled look took her face until she understood and she said yes and going to Prom together became the topic of discussion on the walk back. Once we reached the car we talked briefly until I stopped and looked at her for a few seconds and told her how I felt and... finally after everything asked her out. She said yes immediatly and things couldn't have been better.
Before long we were spending every second together. Nothing seemed wrong and there wasn't a dull moment. We could spend hours just talking to eachother and neither of us wanted to be away from eachother. Prom was amazing and we both had a good time. Soon after this however I began to feel "clingey" like she had always been for me. We were both still happy and inseperable.
Just recently we went to the beach together to go to a concert. There we spent 2 nights in a hotel room together where, after almost 3 months of dating we first had sex and I lost my virginity (she had already lost her). We both agreed we were ready and it was the right thing to do and both of us felt completely comfortable.



Now the problem... (finally)

Recently she hasn't seemed as happy as I am with the relationship. We tell each we love eachother... a word I've always told her meant alot to me and something I would only say once I truely meant it. But despite her telling me she thought she was ready before I ever said it once it was said she seemed uneasy with it even though she did say it... this lasted for about a month until we talked about it and she told me she just hadn't said it in a long time (since her 2 year relationship) but that she had always meant it and was sorry. I won't lie I was a little hurt by this but I realized what she was really saying that she meant it and accepted it.
Soon after this things began to change. I'm not quite sure how to describe it... she just has been less excited to hang out now. When we don't hang out she still tells me she wants to but she doesn't push it or get as excited as she used to and... I don't know if it's wrong to feel like this but it bothers me alot and makes me feel like she's getting bored. I've done the right thing and talked to her about this... talked about it alot actually and she has promised shes never been bored with me and she loves me so much. I know she does because she used to be into going to parties with her friends but after her seeing how much it bothered me she promised she'd stop... she promised this 2 times but has now stopped. She said she doesn't need them because she's happy with me and doesn't want to do anything to hurt me... but now she's starting to say she's going to party next year since it'll be senior year. I've told her I'm alright with it every now and then but the way she says it makes me feel like she doesn't care how it bothers me... she doesn't really talk about it so much as tell me she's going to do it next year? I don't know if I should let this bother me like it is.
Of everything though I'd say what bothers me the most is her lack of excitement to be around me now. When I see her I still get excited and happy, and nothing hurts me more than when I don't think she's feeling the same way. She says she does still but how she reacts says different... at least to me. Now rather than cuddling and talking she talks on the phone. I get confused however because sometimes I'll feel like I'm not there at all and then sometimes for just a few minutes she'll jump on me and say she loves me and smile, but then quickly get off and go get ready to go out with her best friends or talk online.
I'm not sure how I should feel really. I'm started to have bad mood swings because I don't know how she really feels right now or what I should/shouldn't be doing. If I don't call her to hang out she'll get upset but when we do try to hang out she isn't near as close to as excited as she used to be. She'll hang out with her best friends almost every day now but she always tells me she doesn't want to and that she misses me when she does (she tends to follow what her friends want... but just recently she hasn't been saying no at all to them). I don't know if I should worry or what I should do. She knows I'm worrying and tells me I shouldn't be and I know she does love me... but I'm really having a hard time with the changes that are happening. I feel like she's ready to be "used" to me being around when I still get excited every time I see her.



I'm sorry this is so long... it wasn't intended to be. I'll be surprised if someone actually reads all of this haha. Thank you though!

[WallyLlama]

Well... I can't say that I read everything closely... but I did try to discover what the question is... or if there is one.

The amount of history and detail does cloud the question, I think.

It sounds, simply, like you and her are at different relationship stages. The question is not so much whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. The question is what do you both want to do about it?

It could be that the relationship is "maturing" and she's "settling."

It could also be that the relationship is getting boring for her.

Interesting if you think about it -- she appears to miss the excitement of partying, you are missing the excitement she once seemed to feel for you.

You both need to have an honest talk with each other because it's not just about her partying... it's about how you each fit into the other's life and what sort of life you want (if any) together. You say you've done that, so maybe you just need to believe what she's told you and be done with it.

You say she doesn't seem to care how you feel about her partying... do you care about how she feels? Before you answer yes, why not consider going with her... or, for that matter, taking her to a party? You have to share. Relationships don't work so well when each person is worried only about the other's expectations.

It sounds like you both need to learn a lot about sharing openly and honestly. That's not a criticism; it's just a reality... we aren't born with the ability to relate well.

You're putting a lot of interpretation on her behavior, a behavior that in your mind doesn't match what she's saying. It may be that instead of hoping for her behavior to change, you (both) need to learn how get the words to match the behavior.

[PaulOrama]

Thanks so much for your reply WallyLlama!

About the going to parties with her. She used to ask me to go with her until one time when we were alone and she said she wanted to seewhat I was like I got drunk and she said didn't like it and that she didn't want me to drink or go to parties... something I didn't have a problem with since I've never really enjoyed them too much.

I've tried to look past the partying. The first time she promised she wouldn't go anymore I felt bad because I didn't think it was my place to ask for something like that so a week later I told her I would suck it up and get over it but it'd be nice if she didn't do it so much. This is something she stuck to but I couldn't stand to think about her in that kind of situation... I suppose we have yet more talking to do about that haha.

I agree that we may be at different points in the relationship. It just seems to me that it happened so suddenly. I'm just really taken back that she already feels this way when she used to be so excited. I feel like when I talk about it with her I'm damaging the relationship by filling it with worries and she tends to take it very personally so our talks don't last very long beyond me saying sorry and her saying she doesn't understand.

I don't think the relationship is going downhill as we both still love eachother... just in different ways I suppose now.

[Browser]

First I have a general comment, and then a single word of advice for you.

You're in high school, I assume, based on the prom. You're too young to expect to settle down with the perfect woman for the rest of your life. I'm not saying it woln't happen, but if you want it to, you'll need to work for it. Relationships naturally cool down at first, and they lose that wonderful surreal feeling of romance. Many people mistake that for love. Enjoy your time with her and try to make it work. It'll be worth it in the end no matter what happens.

And now, the most important word about relationships: communication. Neve be afraid to communicate honestly and openly.

[PaulOrama]

Thanks for your help Browser.

You're right we're both entering our Senior year of highschool now. I suppose the problem is, that "surreal" feeling is still there for me, and I'm just surprised and hurt to see it fade from her already.

Also, despite our sometimes short talks I'm proud that we've never really been in a fight. We've both always found a way to express concerns to eachother and still be happy at the end of the day. This just seems a little different. I've always been someone to look at the bright side so... I suppose it'll all work out... just with some work haha.

Thanks everyone!

[WallyLlama]

Don't be too proud that you've never had a fight... and note that you haven't actually found ways to express concerns to each other:

"our talks don't last very long beyond me saying sorry and her saying she doesn't understand."

The more I hear, the more I think you and she are worlds apart and just haven't been able to see it yet... she may be seeing it before you. It'll work out, but perhaps not the way you are hoping.

I would clarify one thing: when I encouraged you to consider some partying with her, I was not suggesting drinking. I'm really confused that she would like to see what you look like drunk but doesn't want you to drink or go to parties... I gather she does want to go to parties and drink. You might take note of the fact that you and she are on very different pages and your "solution" (she goes, you're happy you don't have to go) isn't going to work over time. That's called "not sharing" but it's not about parties, it's about lifestyles and values.

I think it's important for you to remember that you are not happy.

Simplistic advice? Get happy or get out. It's too easy to learn to live and love unhappily. Browser is right that relationships can cool... and he's also right that it's easy to confuse the excitement with love. In a sense, it's easy to fall in love with a relationship and think you're in love with a person. Of course we have to accept each other, but don't get caught in the trap of thinking your relationship is supposed to be disappointing, boring, etc. It's just as easy to learn to live and love happily - if you both want it.

[Browser]

Wally, if Paul has not experimented with alcohol before, many people will want to see him drunk or try to get him drunk simply as a form of entertainment. I don't understand it, but it's happened to people I know, and several people have tried to get me high before for the same purpose.

Paul: relationships are a two-way street. They have to work both ways. Just make sure you think very carefully before you act to try to resolve this problem.

[WallyLlama]

I understand that, Browser... I'm significantly older and do drink, but don't get drunk. I've had occasion when people wished I would as well... I see this as significantly different for two reasons.

1. They are both underage. (Bear with me, I know I'm an old fuddy duddy.)
2. She clearly loves the party scene, he does not. That's a fundamental difference that may carry over into other areas. I'm also not sure that she'd like him to drink only to satisfy her curiousity.

What I see here is a tendency for something less than honesty... and they've both been doing/not doing things "for" each other, sometimes without thoroughly discussing it... and perhaps without facing it. It's not so much a case of lying (obvious dishonesty) as perhaps pretending.

Notice, for example, that Paul says he "doesn't know how he should feel."

He's told her it's alright for her to party, but it's bothering him...

How true that relationships are a two-way street, although it might be more accurate to say that relationships SHOULD be a two-way street, at least if they are going to move beyond dating.

[Browser]

Yeah, I use alcohol moderately too. I've noticed a growing trend though: many teens are drinking simply to get drunk now. More than I remember a few years ago. Maybe I'm just more aware now, but if I'm right it could be a psychological playground.