I think I'm in love.

[greenidentity]

Let me start by giving you a little bit of history about myself and my situation.

I am 27, and have had 4 long term (2 years or more) relationships. I know I have been in love before, I know what it feels like. My first relationship started when I was 14, alsting around 2 years, my longest was 4 years, my most recent one was 2 years and ended around a year or so ago.

After my last relationship, I gained some weight and became depressed, convinced I would never love again. (typical, I know!)

But THEN! About a month ago, I met a guy. Sparks flew. Chemistry was present. He was on my brain every day. I was not expecting this, and was caught totally off guard. Here are some kickers to the whole scenario:

Me and him have different lifestyles/interests.

He was the first serious boyfriend at age 14.

He is a single full time father of a 9 year old.

He was single for 8 years

Some people say you need to have similar interests and lifestyles to make it work. I was scared about this. But it's been amazing getting to knwo him again. I don't have much experience with kids, as I have none, but him having one doesn't bother me at all and in fact, I like the kid a lot. And despite our different lifestyles (he works the 1st shift, I work the 3rd. He is more conservative, I am more wild and crazy) we have SO MUCH FUN together. He thinks I am the sexiest woman walking the earth, even with my weight. He loves to do nice things for me. He's funny and i feel cared for, comfortable, and beautiful when around him. I respect him and trust him and we admire each other. He's an awesome dad and thoug ha bit of a worrier, has a heart of gold when it comes to his loved ones. He really goes above and beyond. He is a stable, well rounded and funny person.

I think I might love him. I was afraid at first that it was due to old feelings only, but now I know it isn't. I respect and really like who he is now, which is much different than when we were kids. I've never had someone be so nice to me, and I've never ever experienced this sort of communication and openess with anyone. We talk freely. It feels "mature".

BUT, I'm scared! I don't know if I should move forward. I know a lot of relationships don't last forever. Maybe I am just kidding myself. Maybe I am just too euphoric and one day, this will all come crashing down and someone will get badly hurt. Things have moved sort of fast, yet it feels so right. I miss him after 3 or 4 days. I have the most fun with him. I feel connected to him. I feel like our differences don't matter. But I'm scared someday they will. I do not feel as if I'm settling. I don't have any expectations yet, just hope that I can keep this happiness for a little while. But what if I don't?

Sorry this was so long. I'm just not sure if I should rethink this all, or just take a huge risk and go with my feelings. It's the whole heart vs. head debate. It's maddening. I really really dont want anything bad to happen. I know that we can never predict these things, we just have to try. But, I'm still scared.

Thanks to anyone who read this far, especially with me being new and all.

[Sweetness12]

ok, being 16 this doesn't help much, but im gonna give u a little info maybe from the 9 yr old's point of view. My mom and dad were married for 15 years, and after she passed away when i was 14, he got a new girlfriend. He never paid any attention to me, and always was focused on her. She was an invader, so of course i didnt like her....so i guess what im trying to say is- include the kid a lot... and dont let him pull away from the child either. Tell him that too... I tried to tell my dad that i didnt like his g/f but he wouldnt listen to me, so i told her to leave and i eventually ran her off... so just keep that in mind.... Spend tons of time with the kid...
hope i helped a little

[greenidentity]

Thank you for that, and I can certainly see where you're coming from.

I'm not the kids mother though, and that isn't my intention. At most I hope to become friends with him. I am not there to invade, or be mom. And I have no worries as of yet about his dad neglecting him. He is always there for him and making sure that he is ok and has what he needs. He does spend a lot of time with me even when the kid is around, but he makes "rounds" between us, or we all hang out together a little bit. The kid is really open and funny and smart. Not shy or too sensitive about this at all. If I see any signs of that, I will do anything in my power to make things right for him.

[Brandye]

Sweetness,

What a wonderful observation!!

Green,

You may be in love. That is neat. You are scared of the risk involved; what is the risk of going the other way? Life without risks somehow does not resemble real life. It sounds like you may be complementary and that would enrich both your lives.

[WallyLlama]

Sometimes we get too focused on finding our ideal partner... far better to find someone we are nuts about, fall madly and uncontrollably in love, and then spend the rest of our lives with him or her figuring out how to make and keep the relationship ideal.

Since you can talk freely, why not tell him what you told us? All of it!

Look out the windshield, not in the mirror.

[greenidentity]

Thank you all for your kind insights

Things seem to be going well, except for his sons mom. She doesn't like me very much apparently. We used to be friends a long time ago as well, but lost contact throughout the years, then she got together with him. I know that it's probably just fear and protectiveness on her part, she doesn't want her son to like me. Fair enough. but she's been telling him stories about us partying and stuff when we were younger. And his son is starting to get scared of "losing his dad" to me. They had a long talk, and his dad explained to him the situation and told him he would never lose him, that he is number 1, but he likes me very much and hopes that we can all do things together more.

To top it all off, the ex is gorgeous. She's blonde, tall, flawless and thin, and I'm short, fat and dark haired and plain. I feel about 2 inches (or 4 feet wide, haha) tall next to her. I don't understand how he can like me or my body after having THAT. I feel so inferior.

This is all really new to me. I've never had to deal with a kid in the relationship so i don't know what to, or really expect anything. I just hope to become friends with his son, he is a great kid, and I hope there's balance and room for me to become closer to Dad, hehe.

Sorry this was so long. I know I don't know any of you, but this seems like a good place to vent somewhat anonymously.

[WallyLlama]

Remember a couple of things.

The ex isn't perfect. And she and he are not responsible for your feelings of inferioriity. Accept the fact that you've been chosen and it's working.

It's okay to be friendly to the son, but don't try too hard to be his friend. You are an adult. You are (at some level) his Dad's partner. Act like that. The son will like you if you don't get sucked in to a pointless competition with his Mom. (Sounds like she may be feeling a little inferior herself. LOL)

Don't stand next to her.

Sounds like you're all doing great. Remember that it's always about the relationship, don't let the son or the ex drive.

[greenidentity]

I know my feelings of inferiority are my own. But I think it's somewhat natural to feel that way.

Also: she broke up with him. Granted it's been years now, I know he tried to get back with her numerous times. Maybe he's just settling for me. Maybe his feelings for her were just FORCED to die down because nothing else was there on her part.

I won't try too hard with the kid. I realize he's a human and not a dumb kid. I'll talk to him like I'd talk to any other casual friend, at first anyhow, If we become closer, cool. I'm not here for a mom role, I can't even begin to be, I'm not very motherly and I am really inexperienced with kids.

I'm not sure now how I feel about his ex always being a constant presence in our lives though. Maybe I don't have what it takes after all.

[WallyLlama]

Well, if you aren't prepared to take on the Mom role, then it would be unfair to expect his Mom (aka the ex) to disappear. I used two labels to describe her because you do get to decide jointly (you, bf, kid) a lot about her role.

There is nothing "natural" about feeling inferior. There are a lot of reasons we do it and it's become acceptable, including the fact we think it's polite. "The meek shall inherit the earth" maybe theologically sound, but if you misapply the principle there aren't going to be a lot of meek people left on the island.

The ex might be present in your lives, but that doesn't mean she's present in your relationship. If you think about it, your feelings of inferiority are actually drawing her into the relationship... you are giving her more power and more presence than she has.

Why she and he are not together doesn't matter.

Why you and he are together does.

BTW, everybody is an inexperienced parent until they have a child. (I point that out because it's all part of the inferior thing... the playing field of parenthood is actually very level... it's what you do AFTER you have the kid that counts.)

[dancingdoc2]

> I think I might love him. I was afraid at first that it was due to old feelings only, but now I know it isn't. I respect and really like who he is now, which is much different than when we were kids. I've never had someone be so nice to me, and I've never ever experienced this sort of communication and openess with anyone. We talk freely. It feels "mature".... BUT, I'm scared! I don't know if I should move forward. I know a lot of relationships don't last forever.

I am glad that I waited to add my comment because the recommendations, above, have given shape to your situation along with some substance for the future. Here is my thought:

Even though you knew this man as a boy years ago, you are only into this relationship with the man a month. This is still the euphoric stage and way too early to decide that you are in love. This relationship --any relationship-- requires more time to develop to the point you can begin to consider whether you love him, are in love with him and he with you; or, that this is an association, albeit not one based upon mutual love. In other words, take time to smell the roses, feel for any thorns, before making a determination of whether this relationship is based upon love or that it is just a friendship.

Give yourself nine or more months in order to really get to know each other. At some point your guards will be down, you will begin to share your real personalities and quirks and it is then that you can decide whether there are sufficient reasons to be in love or not. Let the process of becoming in love be a process that evolves out of a firm foundation of friendship, shared goals, admiration, and the knowledge that you compliment each other. Work on becoming best friends, first, and if your differences in personalities and interests are not that much of a problem then you will be in a more objective frame of mind to deal with them than you are at this stage.

As for the child, please understand that as your involvement with him and his father becomes closer, you cannot be the disciplinarian. This is the father's roll. You entered the child's life too late to do this. Yes, you can guide him and help shape his behavior, however, you cannot be the one who scolds and doles out punishment. You have to work through his father on this. Understanding this will make your life with the child much less stressful in the future. As the adults in his child's life, the two of you and his mother need to agree on stratagy and methods and then not put up a divided front that confuses the boy. Support each other and work as a team.