sex w/ a married man how do i tell my boyfriend

[redneckfiregoddess]

Alright let me just set the story up for you. I'm about to turn 18. But I've gone though some serious things that have added a few years to my maturity level. Most people forget I'm as young as I am. I'm kinda unoffically dating a guy that i dated once before about a year ago we've been going about two months this time. He's totaly head over heals for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He's about to turn 29 and has a 3 y/o son that I adore (We'll call him guy1). But I realized a month into the "relationship" that it was a mistake to coem back to him. I'm not ready to be a wife or a mother or even be committed to one person right now... I'm getting ready to go off to college this summer. We've never had sex before. We've done everythign but sex and I've only finished him once but He's never given me and orgasim (i usually stopped him) I wasnt looking for anyone else. It just kinda happened and shame on me I didnt turn it down.

Ok so now for the married man (guy2). Guy2 i've known for about a year and a half. I met him before i even dated Guy1 the first time. Guy2 has been married about almost two years to a woman whose older then him by a few years. They've been together since he was 15. They had a kid that died when it was 8wks. old. We've been good friends since we(Guy2, Me and Wifey) met. Wifey is a very jealous woman who controls his almost every move. Now i've had feelings for Guy2 for some time now but thigns didnt turn into anything until about a month ago. Now i'm not really close with his wife. He's not happy in his marriage and he's told me he regrets marrying her.
I'm happy with him. I dont love him but i do care about him. We had sex for the first time today. It was also my first time. I know ya'll think he's an ass and are saying if he's unhappy he should get a divorice. Well he and the misses have a lot of history and he care enough not to want to hurt her. My problems not that he's married. I want to support him in whatever decision he makes. I mean i actually do understand and would understand that he could wake up tommorrow and realize i was a mistake and end things. i knew that getting into this mess.

My problem is really with Guy1. I use to love him.... but i changed....i grew up. He deserves to know that I cheated on him. But i dont know how to tell him. I want to be honest. I care enough about him still that i dont want to break up with him because i know it will crush him...even if i dont tell him theres someone else... he told me i oculd still see other guys but i know he didtn really mean it. I dont plan on telling him who i cheated on him iwth.... He knows guy2.. in fact guy1's lost his virginity to guy2's sister. ( i live in a very small southern town) They grew up together...

I want to be honest about why i'm breakign up with him and if i was just breaking up with him just becuase i wasnt happy anymore htere wouldnt be a problem. How do i and should I tell him that I not only cheated on him but I gave what he wanted to save until marriage to someone else and that i dont wnat to be with him anymroe because i dont lvoe him anymore?

Please give me advice but no lectures... i know I'm going to hell in a hand basket.....

[dancingdoc2]

Manoman, do you have drama in your life.

My first take on your apparent "maturity" is that you may have gained some in certain areas of your life, although the story you have unfolded for us here is fraught with immaturity and poor decision making. Your brain will not be fully developed for another three years! and the part that has yet to mature is an area of the frontal cortex that gives one the ability to understand and perceive the consequences of their actions.

The rule many people have regarding the "need to tell" someone something is this: Of what benefit will it be to the person to know?

> I'm kinda unoffically dating a guy that i dated once before about a year ago

The operative term here is "unofficially dating". Under the general rules of dating (casually) you are not under any obligation to divulge this to a person you are not in a committed relationship with; and, even if you were, "of what benefit will it be to the person to know"?

There is a difference between being "brutally honest" and honesty being brutal. Personally, I do not believe it wise to have no secrets.

Here are some additional opinions on maturity. At nearly eighteen you are a decade younger than the fellow you are "sorta unofficially dating". The two of you are on entirely different chapters in your respective lives and experiences. Your self assessment about not being ready for marriage or parenthood is an insightful observation, whether it be with this man or anybody else who enters your life right now.

* An age spread at 18 of two years is about maximum
* An age spread at 20 of three years is about maximum
* An age spread at 25 of four years is about maximum
* An age spread at 30-35 of five years is about maximum
Beyond 40 the spread can widen effectively to between ten and twenty years.

> Guy2 has been married about almost two years to a woman whose older then him by a few years.... We had sex for the first time today. It was also my first time.

What does having sex or any type of intimate relationship with a married man make you? Where did you hide your morality and ethics before taking off your clothes?

> I know ya'll think he's an ass and are saying if he's unhappy he should get a divorice.

Yes, Guy2 is an ass; however, what is your ownership in this bit of adultery?

> My problems not that [Guy2] he's married. I want to support him in whatever decision he makes.**

> My problem is really with Guy1. I use to love him.... but i changed....i grew up.

Your problem is with maturity and ethics and morality and their as yet lack of development. You give yourself too much credit.

My recommendation is this: Under the general rules of dating, I suggest dating lots of guys around your own age and not to enter into an exclusive relationship with any of them. Why? Because casual dating is an activity that is designed to put people in close proximity with others in order to sample what humanity has to offer. You get to evaluate character, quirks, likes, dislikes, belief systems, religious and moral values, priorities, goals, etc., so that when the time does come in a few years to zero in on a couple and ultimately Mr. Right, you will have been exposed to a lot of personality traits and behaviors and interests from which to make an informed and better choice.

From all that you have detailed, you are not ready to date anybody exclusively let alone anyone much older than yourself. **And, do everyone a favor and leave the married men to their wives no matter how you perceive the status of their marriage.

If you crave sex, then read a sexy novel and curl up with a vibrator and a cuccumber or candlestick for at least the next four years. The dating you will hopefully be doing should involve no sex. Oh, sure, you can make out, but reserve intercourse for Mr. Right and at the right time.

[Brandye]

You are not having difficulties with either man; you are having difficulties with yourself. Neither present alternative is acceptable for the longer term. You need give no reason other than you are moving on with your life and things do not fit.

You are 18; there is much to be learned. Every woman here over thirty has been in a similar situation (or lies to herself) either physically or emotionally. No lectures are appropriate but my bit of sharing is move on and learn what you can from this little soap opera.

[WallyLlama]

and, btw, advice without lectures is an impossibility.

[1pinklady]

Work on yourself first... you seem to be controlled by what men think of you. Do not deny yourself time to enjoy life before making a life long decision about who you will be with? In time you may decide it's not what you want. About telling your boyfriend about cheating, I think you should. It shall make you feel better as a person to be honest. I have done it before and I have told. And I am glad I did. You should tell him how you feel!! A relationship is about communication so don't be shy. The sooner you learn that the better!! And about the going to hell in a hand basket. You are learning and the universe brought you this situation to learn from it so learn sweetie. Learn and grow. You will look back and realize what an easy situation it was!!