Would you be upset?

[Jay Bee]

Me and my GF were having phone sex (LDR), it was the first time either of us had done it. It was actually the first time she touched herself (and she got off twice from the things I was saying) I was telling her a story about us having passionate sex... it worked, she said she closed her eyes and it felt like it was actually happening. This is the 2nd time I've told her a 'story', and ever since the first time she's been asking all the time for me to tell her another, so I guess they're alright.

Anyway, afterwards I asked her to tell me a 'story', she told me before that she wasn't good at that kind of thing, and she told me again when I asked her. I told her that anything she said would sound good, just hearing her talk about sex would turn me on. She kind of tried, she would say one thing, and then not talk for a minute or two... I told her that she had to keep saying things, gave her examples of what I meant, told her to just say what she wanted to do, give some details, anything.

We had discussed 'dirty talk' before and she wanted to try that instead, (both of us) I told her that it wouldn't do anything for me at the moment, and I didn't want to (I wanted to do what she had done, not have to think about anything and just enjoy what the other was saying) But she insisted, so we tried it... It didn't do anything for me, the things she was saying were pretty good, but then I had to stop enjoying it and think of something to say.

Then she said she wanted to touch herself again, (which turned me on) and I was thinking we would both talk in this story, or she would at least make some noise like she did the first time, but she was quiet, I asked if she was doing ok after a few minutes and she just said to keep going... after another minute I told her I had to stop (I had been trying to get off for about an hour and I was SORE, I told her I was starting to get sore about 20 min before that and we still ended up doing something to please her) I put the phone down and went to the bathroom, I guess she orgasmed while I was away, whatever. (I could have used that)

Anyway, I felt like she was being selfish, I thought I shouldn't say anything but I did. I told her that it seemed like she was being selfish, and told her why, I told her it seemed like she didn't try very hard. She told me emphatically that she did, and she's just not very good at it.

She was kind of quiet after that, she said she wasn't upset but I don't know... I was frustrated at the time but if she just really isn't good at it then I don't want to her to feel bad about it.

1. Would you have been upset if you were in my shoes?
2. Would you be upset if you were her?

[dancingdoc2]

> I guess she orgasmed while I was away, whatever. (I could have used that)....Anyway, I felt like she was being selfish, I thought I shouldn't say anything but I did. I told her that it seemed like she was being selfish, and told her why, I told her it seemed like she didn't try very hard. She told me emphatically that she did, and she's just not very good at it.

OH LORDY! What kind of a mate are you? Certainly not the type I recommend being like kind, considerate, loving, compassionate, understanding, in addition to knowledgeable, and skilled, two skills you did display.

What you did was to shoot down the messenger for trying to make a delivery!

In my never to be so humble opinion I believe you owe her an apology for your selfish behavior and treatment of her.

Some people are good story tellers and can spin yarns together with relative ease. (You'll make your children a good bed-time story teller.) How much time, thought, and, practice did you put into your stories before telling them to her? If you spent any and then expected her to come up with something on the fly when she admits to having trouble with this activity is to be very insensitive and rude.

> She was kind of quiet after that, she said she wasn't upset but I don't know...

Yes, I think you do know.

> I was frustrated at the time but if she just really isn't good at it then I don't want her to feel bad about it.

You saw to this. You scolded her for making the attempt and then pouted and sulked when it did not turn out as you wanted. Geez, talk about being there for her and supporting her.... Even your encouragement sounded goading and demanding.

> I asked if she was doing ok after a few minutes and she just said to keep going... after another minute I told her I had to stop (I had been trying to get off for about an hour and I was SORE, I told her I was starting to get sore about 20 min before that and we still ended up doing something to please her) I put the phone down and went to the bathroom....

No comment.
Well, on second thought I do: Making love is what we do with and for each other, not what we do to the other. With the first we give to receive; with the second, we take. A wise lover will see to his partner's pleasure and satisfaction, first, before his own.
A. So you become sore; next time have a lubricant handy
B. This whole scenario smites of your stinginess and self centeredness. Couldn't you have waited a few minutes before leaving her alone on the phone?

1. Would you have been upset if you were in my shoes?
2. Would you be upset if you were her?

> 1. Would you have been upset if you were in my shoes?

Hell NO. She made the attempt. She participated and gave you her best effort at the time only to be berated.

> 2. Would you be upset if you were her?

A. Asked and answered
B. Maybe, if telling erotic stories was an activity that was important and I wanted to do this periodically.
a. I'd feel better about it if my lover complimented me on the attempt and told me he looked forward to having me try again some night. Being comforted would mean more than the belittling.

[Ryouko]

Ia m with dancing doc on this one, some people SUCk on the phone,m or even trying to talk dirty, just give up the phone stuff and talk in person. I would be a little upset if I were in your shoes, but I would have not called her selfish adn I would have understood that it probably made her uncomfortable because she wouldn't know if she was good at telling stories or not because guys don't have much of a reaction ( moaning ect).If I were her I would be upset because she was probably nervous about it and reallllly didn't need you saying that

[demonbuttercup]

I am kind of the same way. My b/f would like me to be more vocal and use dirty talk etc... but I just feel dumb saying it and unsincere.
As w/ stories... I too am that way where I can't really come up w/ anything creative.
My b/f is a writer and has a great imagination.
My brain is more analytical and I can solve puzzles and problems but when it comes to being creative whether w/ words or art..etc... I just fall short.
At least your g/f tried =\

[Jay Bee]

OH LORDY! What kind of a mate are you? Certainly not the type I recommend being like kind, considerate, loving, compassionate, understanding, in addition to knowledgeable, and skilled, two skills you did display.

I am normally all of those things, and I was during most of the night, but when things kept happening it seemed like she just wanted to do things for her, and I did those things because I love her and want her to be happy.


In my never to be so humble opinion I believe you owe her an apology for your selfish behavior and treatment of her.

I agree.

Some people are good story tellers and can spin yarns together with relative ease. (You'll make your children a good bed-time story teller.) How much time, thought, and, practice did you put into your stories before telling them to her? If you spent any and then expected her to come up with something on the fly when she admits to having trouble with this activity is to be very insensitive and rude.

I had only done it with her the one time before, I didn't consider myself to be a good story teller, and I was also embarassed about it, but she enjoyed it so I did it. I hadn't thought of anything to say beforehand, we were talking about sex before I told the story and I just used what she said she liked. I had also told her what I liked...

You saw to this. You scolded her for making the attempt and then pouted and sulked when it did not turn out as you wanted. Geez, talk about being there for her and supporting her.... Even your encouragement sounded goading and demanding.
I really didn't mean to do that, sometimes I'm not very good at encouraging people.

No comment.
Well, on second thought I do: Making love is what we do with and for each other, not what we do to the other. With the first we give to receive; with the second, we take. A wise lover will see to his partner's pleasure and satisfaction, first, before his own.
A. So you become sore; next time have a lubricant handy
B. This whole scenario smites of your stinginess and self centeredness. Couldn't you have waited a few minutes before leaving her alone on the phone?

I did, I told her the story because because she wanted to hear it and orgasm, I always make sure she is pleased before me. And then after when I was trying to finish she kept wanting to do other things and I tried to do them, then she wanted me to tell her another story and I did that, I was giving the whole time. I kept doing these things because I want her to be happy, and pleased. But I want that as well. I don't think that's being self centered.
A.I didn't know we were going to be doing this.
B.When I say I put the phone down and went to the bathroom, I mean I talked to her for a minute after we stopped (I didn't know she was still going, she wasn't making any noise like she did the first time), then said "hey can you hold on a second", she said yeah, and I used the bathroom, for about a minute.

Hell NO. She made the attempt. She participated and gave you her best effort at the time only to be berated.

I feel like crap, I know I shouldn't have said it and should have been more supportive of her trying. I don't really think she's selfish, it was 3am when we went to bed, I was somewhat frustrated and "cranky" I guess. I had come really close to finishing a few times and asked her to say something, anything, I asked her to repeat what she had just said, and she would either say no, or be silent.


A. Asked and answered
B. Maybe, if telling erotic stories was an activity that was important and I wanted to do this periodically.
a. I'd feel better about it if my lover complimented me on the attempt and told me he looked forward to having me try again some night. Being comforted would mean more than the belittling.

She has been asking me to tell her another story about every other night, for the past 2 weeks, but it's not something I'm good at, It's not easy for me to come up with something to say. But I try anyway, for her.

I did compliment her, I kept telling her that everything she was saying was great, that I was enjoying it, and afterward I told her I was looking forward to the next time.

[Jay Bee]

Originally Posted by Ryouko

Ia m with dancing doc on this one, some people SUCk on the phone,m or even trying to talk dirty, just give up the phone stuff and talk in person. I would be a little upset if I were in your shoes, but I would have not called her selfish adn I would have understood that it probably made her uncomfortable because she wouldn't know if she was good at telling stories or not because guys don't have much of a reaction ( moaning ect).If I were her I would be upset because she was probably nervous about it and reallllly didn't need you saying that

I was letting her know that I liked what she was saying, after she said something I would groan and say "oh yeah, mmm that sounds really nice" "ohh that would feel sooo good" etc.. But I should have been more supportive of her, it was late and hard for her to think of anything to say because she was tired.

[Jay Bee]

ok, after re-reading this I really feel bad, she had asked me to do this a few times before lastnight, and I tried but I was really tired and couldn't come up with anything to say. She didn't say anything about it, nothing bad at all. She just said "that's ok, don't worry about it" ahhh I feel like an ass.

[WallyLlama]

WHOA

Let's put away the hammer and nails -- crucifixion is not a requirement when phone sex (or any other kind of sex) doesn't quite work out.

I think we've established that long distance relationships are hard... well, guess what... something as intimate as "sex" is pretty tough to get "right" immediately.

Jay Bee, if you continue to assume all the responsibility and blame, things are probably going to get worse.

My recommendation: start over. Have a nice little chat about your relationship and how you are communicating with each other remembering that sex is a form of communication -- one reason this is a challenge is that all you have are words and thoughts. A lack of words... or a lack of thoughts does make it difficult.

You'll improve and strengthen your relationship by sharing your feelings... even if those feelings are feelings of frustration and anger... if you can look at this "story" (thread) overall I think you may see that some of the challenge you have as a couple is just that. So reread the thread AGAIN. But this time try to see a couple (you and your gf) developing a relationship under difficult circumstances... and re-commit to learning how to do that together.

Looking at your last post, I'm tempted to say "Instead of feeling like an ass, feel hers."

Actually that might not be bad advice... LOL Because you can tell her how tha feels... and ask her to tell you how it makes her feel...

Communication requires patience... with her and with yourself. Don't be afraid to make some deals with each other... and to get silly. Remember that most couples have huge difficulty talking about sex when they are togther. Sometimes after YEARS as a couple.

Talk.
Talk.
Talk.

[Jay Bee]

Thanks, I talked to her today and she was completely cool about the whole thing. We talked for hours on the phone again just like we always do (we just said goodnight to eachother @5am) So it's all good, and we were talking about sex again, so I guess we're doing well in that department. I try to be as open as possible and talk with her about everything, and now she's coming around and starting to talk to me about what she's feeling. It's good.

[dancingdoc2]

Jay, I would like to extend a compliment to you. You put up with my tirade in a very calm manner and provided needed clarification and information . I appreciate that you did not respond angrily. From what you now relate, it sounds like the two of you are working together.

One thought to your last comment about talking on the phone. More often than not, communication is much better when it is short and sweet--not drawn out for hours on end. Hint hint.... Regardless, Wally is correct.
Talk.
Talk.
Talk. In addition, a good lover and mate is also a very good listener.

Please keep us posted, and, if you have additional questions or concerns, please feel free to post. I promise to be more civil.