Once a Cheater?

[Jookie]

Okay, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been cheated on here and I don't think I've ever been as mad as I was when I found out. Of course I broke up with her, but I also went as far as posting her name (AND PICTURE) up on http://www.playersandpsychos.com
However, now the anger is wearing off and the lonliness is setting in and I'm considering getting back with her. The question is "Once a cheater always a cheater?" or can people change????

[thetease13]

Well, technically, if they've cheated once, yes, they will always be a cheater. Not something you can take back. But, yes, people can change. Not everyone will, no, but some can. I think, to a point at least, that everyone deserves a second chance. But to each their own really.

[dancingdoc2]

Very often, although not always, when someone cheats, there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. If this is the case and you want to try and get back together, then you have to do an autopsy on the old relationship, first, for there to be any chance of success.

If someone cheated, I'm not sure I would want to invest in that person again, even if I had something to do with why they made the decission to cheat in the first place. They had other options and chose this avenue instead.

What you did in retaliation was understandable, yet juvenile and quite inappropriate. One should never post a photograph on the web of another person. There is a good chance too many acquaintences will see it, no matter how obscure you think the location.

[WallyLlama]

People are about change.

Look at you. You went from being so mad you were almost irrational to wanting to get back with her. Sounds like a change.

I've never quite understood the "once a cheater always a cheater" theory. One of the things that differentiates us from animals is that we get to decide who we are and what we do.

The only question I see as valid is this: do you each want to have a relationship that works for you each individually and as a couple. It would seem that having that relationship requires that she not "cheat" and you get over the fact she did once. You just need to figure out together whether or not you can each do what needs to be done for a relationship to work.

I would add that being lonely isn't a particularly good reason for wanting to be with her.

[dancingdoc2]

Tease and Wally offer good insight. I would like to comment on the notion of once a cheater... by saying that once an alchololic.... You can be an alcholic and never drink again; same for being a cheater, me thinks.

Trust and establishing it, again, is another aspect of the process for change. I think this was on my mind when I made the comment, above, about wanting to devote more time to the person.

Wally's points are well taken. Just how much does the person and the relationship mean.

[Luvs2plzU]

Actually a psychiatrist would have to help with the answer to your question about that "particular" person....cheating is a flaw in character...so one would have to find out what led this person to cheat?? What was missing from the relationship?? What needs weren't being met nor being communicated?? What is the person's history of social interactions??..It's not really cut and dried...

[WallyLlama]

I can definitely go with "not really cut and dried."

Our society loves labels... but labels removed identity and encourage people not to think...

Surely there are some people who cheat because they enjoy and need to for some pschologicial reason... surely there are some people who cheat because there's some vacuum in their relationship... surely there are some people who don't think they are cheating (by their standards).

But none of those "reasons" are a guarantee that a person will cheat. There's a fairly simple formula for how people decide what to do... the amount of effort they will make to do or not do something is directly correlated to the predictability of an anticipated outcome and expected benefits from it.

Sometimes we're not very good at judging that.

[Jookie]

Thank-you for all your helpful comments. I think that considering the past relationship in depth is something I should do before rashly getting back into things. Also posting her picture up on www.playersandpsychos.com was probably a rash and angry decsion.

[redneckfiregoddess]

I myself jsut recently found my self on the other side of ur question. I'm the one cheating. I told myself I;d never cheat because i know it hurts. But it happenes.... I know why i cheated. and I dont feel that in the future I'll be a cheater... Cheaters can change and as soon as i build up the courage I plan on confronting my boyfriend...even though i know he;ll be hurt and end things. but our relationship has been lacking something for a while...

[learning]

Taking some body back is not easy and should be a concious decision for a longer term goal. Do not make the decision because you are "lonely"!! unless you are willing to work at it, and believe me it is hard.

I was hurt in this manner a few years ago, by someone i had devoted my life to (the big I do!) and it hurt like hell....it still hurts and it never goes away! You need to make the decision to work at the relationship and trust outright the commitment of the other person, you will always question where they are etc but you need to keep these questions to yourself and deal with it!

Future fights/arguments are also a tough one because you end up wanting to use these "indiscretions" as ammo in your defence....doing this can be disastrous.

You need to ask yourself the following questions;

Why do i want to get back together?
Do i see a long term relationship?
Will i take any opportunity to get back at her?
Can I look beyond this?

Is she worth it!!!!???

As it is, relationships (long term) are difficult and any baggage can make things problematic, to have infidelity (which I regard as the most serious of all) and the breakdown in trust, it is a tough slug, but can be well worth it if there is genuine love.

Good luck which ever way you go!