how do i get him in the mood?

[perfectnever]

i'm 18 with a 21 year old boyfriend, who i really like, perhaps love. both of us are virgins, and for the most part things are great, no real fights, great conversation, kising, and just in general we work well together.

here's the problem, i'm way more sexually open than he is, and i'm really after 1 year and half, looking to take our relationship to a sexual level. he grew up in a very "sex is bad" and "you shouldn't touch girls there" sort of household. how do i get him onto the same page i'm on. he know's that i'm looking to take our relationship further, and everyy time it comes up, he gets more insecure about it.

help!

[batman527]

You have to talk to him about. Tell him that your needs aren't being met in the relationship, but you want to make it work. If he's cool with it, things should start turning around, and off you go. If he's not cool with it, you get to decide if you're going to stick around or not. Be prepared to walk when you have the conversation, because if you're not ready to leave, you might fudge on your convictions here. Then you get to be unhappy AND whipped at the same time.

Bottom line, you just have to talk about it. There's no trick to it, be straight up. You're not going to be able to seduce him with the Dance of the Seven Veils or anything like that, because it sounds like he'd just think you'd lost your mind. It's discussion time.

Also, keep it positive, meaning, don't be negative. Instead of "I'm not happy here, and you need to change to make me happy," make it "this is what I'm looking for, and I think it would be really great if you and I... explored... a little." Notice the difference in attitude, that's important here. I'm out.

[WallyLlama]

And as part of keeping it positive, make it about him as well... without patronizing him let him know that you are interested in his happiness as well as yours... you're not just changing him to make you happier.

Depending on how deeply he's been programmed you may have a big hurdle to overcome. "Sex is bad" is very comforting and allows him to not think or be responsible for his own beliefs and your feelings... and you may have something going on here that runs very deep. Logic may not overcome it -- unless he wants to think differently.

If he loves you and values the relationship you may be able to leverage that gently, as batman has suggested. "We would be happier if..." At the same time, if he is committed to staying a virgin until you are married... you might have to understand and respect that.

[Brandye]

And ... while you are talking ...... unzip his fly. I can still remember wanting a guy to "feel me up" in the worst way. I had to be a contortionist to get one in his hand. Then I had to press his hand. Sometimes we need to be a little forward.

[WallyLlama]

You know, I like Brandye's idea.

LOL

[perfectnever]

i have talked to him previously about my feelings on our relationship, and that while i do love him, and am truly happy with our relationship....i really would like sex.

i need suggestions on getting over some of these hurdles. i try to be suggestive but i don't know how far to push, and when to hold back.

[sexy_angel]

have u had any other sort of intimacy ...touching, fingering, etc? its a big step to just jump to sex.

i agree that maybe he needs a bit of motivation if u've done that stuff...touch him, take his hand and make him touch u. Start with clothes on then slowly slide his hand underneath too. take it gradually.

i disagree of giving him d ultimatum of sex or u'll leave. if u love the person u will respect their wishes. if u do eventually he'll come through and it will be even more special.

good luck!!

[Newtolove]

ask him why he beleives the things he does probably it is the women don't enjoy sex thing and that he is feeling guilty or uncomfortable.

[dancingdoc2]

I do not remember when I have seen so many great suggestions in one thread.

I like Brandye's suggestion. Sometimes ya just gotta take matters into your own hands--first. If the ball is going to get rolling, this will surely do it. Now, having said this, here are the rules:
a. you have to already be making out so that if you place your hand over the bulge in his trousers in passing, following other caresses, he won't jump out of his skin
b. move his penis side to side letting the internal friction against his underware and skin build his arousal. You can do this the first time, or perhaps in another love making session
c. after letting him get accustomed to your hand there, you can then unzip/unfasten his fly. Reach in and repeat the above over his underware
d. after letting him get accustomed to that, then go for broke by unleashing his penis, brining it out in the open and having your way with it.
e. lowering or removing his pants and underware
f. etc., et cetera, etc.

If he balks at any of this, then you have a deep routed belief that perhaps counseling will solve if the two of you cannot talk your way through the matter using the suggestions, above.

I'm just afraid that if you adopt Brandye's suggestion, up front, and boldly, he may stop you; whereas, if you take it slow and in easy stages, he'll be more apt to let you continue. It's an individual call that only you can make as you do this. There is no one right approach.

[Newtolove]

well come to think of it up to a few months ago I was shy about sex ecc. (am 23) and that really changed when I got on here and informed of how things work. it could also be, actuallly definitely be, as in a "sex is bad household" he will have been told no more than the essential bioogical side so is probably felling at a loss and is a bit embaressed by his lack of information ecc.. (like I used to be). perhaps bringing him here would help him open up or helping him find other sources of information.