LDR problems

[Jay Bee]

My LDR with my GF of 3-4 months may be a little on the rocks, I don't know though. I love her, and she says she loves me but....

In the beginning she would drive here to see me (2hrs) every weekend, and sometimes during the week. (Unfortunately I had to sell my car to pay for my fire academy so I've only been able to drive there twice when I borrowed a car, she's been fine with it) But it's been about 3 weeks since she was here (I saw her 2 weeks ago when I drove there).

When I ask her if she's coming she says "I don't know" and then later says "I don't think so", which isn't that bad, but she doesn't seem to care that she's not coming. It also wouldn't be so bad if she was going to be around for awhile, but I'm finally getting out of my academy this wed, and then she's going to visit family on the other side of the country a few days later. So I wanted to, and figured we would spend as much time together as possible before she left... So far it's been 2 wasted weekends, I'm worried I won't get to see her before she leaves for a month.

She's usually not very open with me, but I finally got her to open up a little (she told me it's hard for her to be open to me because we're in a relationship..) She said that I was too pushy sometimes, that I asked her if she was coming here too much, and that when she gets in arguments w/her mom and gets frustrated she thinks about breaking up with me. ??? (they argue everyday) She says she doesn't want to, but says it's hard because of the distance, and both of us being in school.

I told her that it's only going to get easier from here, she's only going to school 5 days a week now (was 7) and I'm about to be out of school. I'm also moving to her city in a few months, I told her that if we've made it through all of that then everything else will be easy.

But I just don't know what she's thinking sometimes.

To summerize: She doesn't come visit like she used to, and doesn't seem upset about it. When she gets upset and thinks about how hard the LDR is, along with other problems going on in her life she feels like breaking up with me, but doesn't want to. Anyone else in a LDR ever get those thoughts?

[batman527]

Hell yes. Welcome to life and dating. I don't want to come down on you here, but it seems like you're in a bit of a sophomoric drama relationship. Don't worry about that, most people are. The good news is that the relationship can grow.

So, three months of dating. Sh*t or get off the pot time. By now the "sparkle" is starting to come off of the relationship, and we're getting into the "comfortable" time. She needs to decide how important the relationship is. It seems like you're committed, and maybe a little bit needy as well. I understand how much it sucks to not see her, I've been there plenty. Since I've been trading in guillotine-style relationship justice lately, if she decides that you're important enough to visit, stay with her. If not, dump her, cause she's going to dump you pretty soon anyway. Did you hear the blade fall?

There's one thing I've learned about the situation, being a little needy can be cute to a point, but irritating in excess. You want her to know that you want her, but you don't want her to think that you need her (even though you really do, if you're like me). I'm trying to tell you not be a whiner about it, this will only instill disdain in the feminine heart.

[dancingdoc2]

That's one way to look at it.

Hello JB,
I was also in one of these and hindsight being what it is, I would tell you not to waste any more time.

> She's usually not very open with me, but I finally got her to open up a little (she told me it's hard for her to be open to me because we're in a relationship..)

I've also been in a relationship where the woman was very shy and reserved; however, she never ever blamed it on "because we're in a relationship". This is a cop out. Communication is the cornerstone of a successful relatlionship. She must either learn and practice this fact, or, you must move on shortly.

> When she gets upset and thinks about how hard the LDR is, along with other problems going on in her life she feels like breaking up with me

Come the end of the week you will not be in a long term relationship, other than her going away for a month to visit.

> when she gets in arguments w/her mom and gets frustrated she thinks about breaking up with me. ??? (they argue everyday)

Good and healthy relationships have a minimum of arguing involved. Even when, there is a right and wrong way to argue, debate, and negotiate. It sounds to me like she is very immature and needs to learn some coping skills and communication skills, whether she is talking to her mother, you, or someone else.

If she is telling you you are too pushy, it is a way of also saying she cannot cope with the situation. Her statement is an all too often made reply by people who cannot handle stress or make decisions as fast as the other. So, understand this, and back off a bit. Actually, rather than press for an answer that will most likely bring this response, state your case and tell her you will wait a specific period of time for her to give an answer. This lets her know she has a responsibility to participate, communicate, yet gives her time to mull things over.

[Jay Bee]

I don't know, the next night she told me that she wanted to 'settle down' with me, and we've talked about having kids (mainly because of a little accident) We were both kind of dissapointed when we found out she wasn't. Even though we both know we're not ready. (We've been going out for 3-4 months but we've known eachother for almost 2 years, and we're both 24, but we're not ready financially)

She says now that she probably wont be leaving for another couple of weeks so... If I don't see her in that time I'd be surprised. Also, the whole thing with her mother, she wants my GF to move to this other state where her sisters live because she's "out of control". She says this because she's gone for days at a time, and she 'dissapeared' the entire spring break. (She was with me) So part of the reason for her not going is that she doesn't want to get into more arguments with her mother about it.

As far as the needy thing, I know, I'm trying not to be that way / show it too much. I haven't asked her if she was coming since she told me... and we talk on the phone for hours pretty much every night so that's pretty good.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by batman527

Hell yes. Welcome to life and dating. I don't want to come down on you here, but it seems like you're in a bit of a sophomoric drama relationship. Don't worry about that, most people are. The good news is that the relationship can grow.

So, three months of dating. Sh*t or get off the pot time. By now the "sparkle" is starting to come off of the relationship, and we're getting into the "comfortable" time. She needs to decide how important the relationship is. It seems like you're committed, and maybe a little bit needy as well. I understand how much it sucks to not see her, I've been there plenty. Since I've been trading in guillotine-style relationship justice lately, if she decides that you're important enough to visit, stay with her. If not, dump her, cause she's going to dump you pretty soon anyway. Did you hear the blade fall?

There's one thing I've learned about the situation, being a little needy can be cute to a point, but irritating in excess. You want her to know that you want her, but you don't want her to think that you need her (even though you really do, if you're like me). I'm trying to tell you not be a whiner about it, this will only instill disdain in the feminine heart.

That's good stuff.

[batman527]

Originally Posted by ua322

That's good stuff.

I aim to please.

[WallyLlama]

Yup. I think we sometimes "blame" long distance for fundamental relationship problems.

I don't understand the idea that it's difficult to be open with someone you're ina relationship with... I REALLY don't understand why arguing with her Mom makes her want to break up with you...

These things wouldn't change if you lived next door.

[Jay Bee]

A few days ago she told me another reason why she hadn't been coming up....

She's 5ft tall and wieghs about 105, she wants to get down to 95 and was really insecure about it. (Don't know why, I've always let her know how sexy she is and how good she looks) But her birthday is coming up in a couple of months and my graduation is coming up in a month and she wants to "wear something special and look good" I talked to her about it for awhile and she changed her mind, she came up lastnight and we had a great time, better than ever.

I should mention that she has been in 3 relationships so far, and all 3 have been LDR's... She told me that she was used to not seeing them for weeks at a time, sometimes a month or 2. So this is different for her, we were talking the other night and she told me that she wants to be w/ me forever, marry me, have kids, the whole 9 yards. I let her know I felt the same way, that's probably why she changed her mind about not coming until she lost wieght.

Oh, and she's not going away for a month anymore, the place she was going is flooding right now...

[WallyLlama]

I think this is called "learning to relate to each other" and it sounds like you are doing fine!