How to move slow?

[upintheair]

This is probably an odd question, but I have just recently started dating an old boyfriend again. Even though previously, we practically lived together, we want to take things really slow this time to be sure of our feelings first. My problem is that I get so caught up in the moment sometimes that my hormones take over and I'd sleep with him in an instant. I know there is nothing wrong with moving fast (all of my other relationships have) but we really want to be sure that we are dating each other "now" and not dating who we used to like way back 2 years ago when we were first together. Any tips on how I can keep my dang hormones in check? Last night he didn't even try to kiss me until he knew I would have to go home in 20 minutes or so, just so nothing would happen that we didn't really want to. He is pretty good at keeping the hormones in check, but even his will take over in the heat of the moment. Thanks for the tips!

[dancingdoc2]

I believe you have identified the problem and discussed the solution. Now, all you have to do is to continue to apply it.

At the core is to maintain an conscious effort--meaning, to keep a "third eye" on the situation at all times so that your hormones do not take over.

Have you ever been on a diet and then during one of the long TV commercials found yourself walking back to your chair with a snack in hand, having no recollection of even being at the refrigerator, or if you did remember, not even caring? Here's another example:

Guys who suffer from Premature Ejaculation, or who are just surprised by having a climax before intending or desiring to, wonder how they can gain mastery over the situation. In reply, I recommend a training session, the purpose of which is to train them to associate the feeling immediately preceeding an orgasm with that benchmark. It requires a conscious effort--a waking up, if you will, out of a state of blissful stupor enough to take charge of their destiny, rather than to just let things go while continuing to bask in and enjoy the moment all the while dismissing the consequences.

So it is on a grand scale with your relationship. The two of you must cordially ride "shotgun" over each other, reminding yourselves when you notice things moving too fast, or getting off track, etc. Keep in mind that a relationship is a partnership and you both have equal responsibility for. Work cooperatively together and cover each other's backside, so to speak.

Sit down and actually make out an action plan for how you want your relationship to progress. Now, having done this, if you want, do not make the rules so tight that there is no room for flexibility. These should be a game plan, really, in which you both reach an agreement on the direction and speed the relationship will take, and for what will be included along the way--and when. You can certainly modify it along the way, but do so only when the hormones are not in charge.

When it comes to making out, I regularly point out to the boy and/or girl new to all this that the girl sets the limits for how far things will go. She is responsible for saying "NO" or "Stop" or othewise indicating that they have gone far enough. She can also extend the boundary anytime in the future when she is comfortable with herself, him, and their level of intimacy.

In some ways you are the overseer of this aspect of your relationship because the female of the species is better able to maintain that third eye. Stating all this is one thing; how do you actually maintain control over your hormones? Heck if I know. I'm not a girl and so do not have insight into how is aspect of your physiology works. I only know that you are better able to focus on what is happening overall than guys when in the heat of passion. Since we are mainly talking about maintaining control before the heat of passion begins to take over, I think it is fair to say that communication is the key. When one of you recognizes that things are skewing off path, then bring it up to the other person in a nice and courteous manner with a smile. In other words, don't get huffy or bitchy or out of sorts with the other person over what is happening. The intent is to make the other aware of what is happening so that the two of you can nudge things back on track.

How's this sound?

[upintheair]

That makes alot of sense, thank you. Oddly enough, he is better at keeping his hormones in check than I am, but you're right, we need to both be watching out for the other person, and communication is definetly key.

[WallyLlama]

The old relationship didn't exactly work.

Remember (constantly) that you are building a new one.

Share (constantly) how you are doing that.

I'll bet it's not just about sex.

[upintheair]

WallyLlama,

You are right, and last night I decided to have "the big talk" with him and it went really well. We both seem to be on the same page as to what we want and that we both want to base this relationship off feelings we have now, and not feelings from the past. We've also verbally agreed not to even attempt to have sex until we've gotten serious with this time around.

Re-dating an ex is always tricky business. You have to think long and hard about the reasons you broke it off with them in the first place. We talked alot about that last night and I think we were honest with each other for the first time about the real reasons our relationship ended. It was refreshing. Plus, the last time around it started out as a completely physical relationship and then we progressed into having feelings for each other. This time we want the feelings to come first and let them progress into the physical side of things.

I tried focusing really hard last night on our goal of "no sex" and we were able to make out nicely without going overboard. When we got a little hot and heavy, we both just instinctively took a breather. I think this will work!

[dancingdoc2]

It sounds like you have a game plan and that all your ducks are in a row, so to speak. Certainly, you have your priorities in the correct order. Recently, on a couple of other threads I've been suggesting that the couple has their proverbial cart before the horse. Not so, with you. Good.

I've been asked by one contributor to the forum to write a piece on how to turn girls on that will be the compliment to an existing piece on how to turn guys on. Unlike the latter, the new article will begin with having the emotional component in place, first, before the physical gets underway.

I was wondering how you were defining "sex" and found your explanation at the very end, above. Please keep in mind that the two of you can do a lot of making out that stops short of intercourse, and, that more often than not, if you choose to include mutual climaxes by hand and/or mouth, they are much more intense than those experienced during intercourse--especially for the guy. Intercourse provides much more emphasis on the emotional component than physical, so when you are ready for intercourse, you should also be ready for a melding of your two psyches for a moment in time. In the meantime, enjoy making out.

If by making out, your present boundary is not to have orgasms for the time being, then control will be tougher, although not impossible. It sounds like the two of you will be OK. Enjoy.

[WallyLlama]

Good show! LOL

I would say you both will want to keep checking in with each other so you are sure you're on the same page... It may not be so much a matter of "taking it slow" as it is "taking it different."

You might, for example, make an agreement to have some sort of regular "big talk" session so you don't simply fall into old patterns.

Caution: remember that sex is one form of communication and, while putting it on hold for awhile might make sense, that in and of itself is not going to improve the relationship or guarantee success.

It's going to be about what you do more than what you don't do - you've proven that to yourselves. Don't forget it!