Crazy is as crazy feels

[pozzolane]

This might be long. It all started almost 2 years ago when I was 20-21. Some say they don't believe in love at first sight, and I would have agreed before then. I still have trouble with the idea but I know it happened to me. My first day of a philosophy class I took as an elective for my degree. The moment I saw this girl I knew I had to do something to talk to her...anything. I did. I introduced myself before a class one day. From that day on, we always sat together in class. I would always save a seat for her if I was first one in and she did the same for me. Or at least one was always open

I found out, in not too long of time, that she was with someone...

However, we would spend time after class every now and then just talking. And usually her boyfriend would come up. She would tell me how things between the two of them were getting steadily worse since she came back from summer. I would listen and offer sympathy and some advice. Well in about two more weeks I pulled her aside just before class one day and confessed I had a crush on her. I told her if things didn't work out with her boyfriend that maybe her and I could try something.

Well she wasn't all for it to my disappointment, but she said she was glad I told her that I liked her. We continued to be friends and our friendship grew even stronger. We could say anything to each other and I was now starting to fall in love with her (this has all happened over the course of about 2.5 months). December rolled around and the class was done, however on the day of the final exam her and her boyfriend broke up. She was really upset and I was a little sad too...Surprisingly because I was also ecstatic over the fact that she might become available for me. Maybe just because I didn't like seeing her so upset...Starting in January we started seeing each other in more than just a friendly manner. We weren't officially dating, but we weren't quite "just friends" either. We went on more than a few dates and I had never felt so high in my entire life. I felt like I could do anything. In fact I lost about 25 pounds and got into really good shape. It was like I was becoming someone I always wanted to be inspired by her (I know this sounds really sappy but I'm just trying to be brutally honest). Fast forward to February 7th.

The night before (feb 6th) she had asked me how I felt about her. I lied. I told her I wasn't sure, knowing full well I was madly in love with her. My lie ate at me really bad. I had trouble sleeping that night. So the next day I picked her up from another class and offered her a ride home. On the ride home I asked her if she remembered our conversation the night before. Yes. I then confessed I had lied. I told her everything, about how I've never felt so strongly about anyone in my entire life and that even if I couldn't be her boyfriend I'd take anything she had to offer just to have her as part of my life. I think she was almost mortified. Not in a bad way. But certainly surprised about how strong my feelings were. She told me she's never felt that for anyone. Not even some of her long term boyfriends she has had before. I felt like an idiot. I wasn't expecting her to say it back. But deep down I really hoped for it.

from then on things started going downhill, although, for the week afterwards things seemed to be getting even better. She would be super happy to see me and we'd get along so well. Never awkward. Then came our date for Valentines Day. She told me she didn't understand why I loved her so much. So instead of jabbering on and on like I am now, I simply bought her a dozen roses...11 red, and 1 white. When she opened the flowers she just said thanks and tossed them on the table and then said "well lets go"...at dinner I asked her if she knew why I gave her those. She said she wasn't sure but told me that I shouldn't have gotten them. I told her that the roses were a metaphor. She wanted to know why I loved her. I told her that I loved her because to me, she was that white rose among the red. She almost started to cry and then thanked me...This time sincerely. The rest of the night was amazing! We had a really good time. I stayed the night on her couch. But in the morning she was a completely different person. She seemed irritable and sensitive and a little defensive. We had plans already for breakfast so we went like we planned, but things weren't great.

When we got back to her place I said I should be going but I'll wait around until she got organized and ready for her long trip home for the holidays. We hugged and even kissed before I left. That was pretty much the last time we were ever together.

Through the last 2 years I have thought about her everyday. Mostly at night when I'm lying in bed. But I tell myself that I couldn't have truly loved her because I didn't understand what love was then.

I lie to myself everyday.

I know I loved her because I still do. I love her with every breath in my body to this night. And I'm certain that will never go away. There is nothing I wouldn't do to be with her. I really don't know why I'm writing this tonight. I went to a local concert with a friend and I saw her there with her current boyfriend. She talked to me for a little while...Just small talk about what our plans were for the upcoming summer and for the rest of our lives (we're both now graduating university). She thought I was crazy for loving her back then. Maybe my question is: Am I crazy? Is it unhealthy to feel so much for someone knowing full well that you'll never see an ounce of it returned?

[ORANGE]

pozzolane

you will not be the first or the last guy to feel this way about a woman

hay if she is not into you or do not know what she wants the too bad for her.

take some time to travel learn about yourself. go out and date make a goal for yourself. have a purpose in life. When you are happy love will come to you.

I can tell you all the advise in the world untile i turn blue but the best thing to do is relizing your own worth. As I said before you do not really know if some one really love you until your life or health goes down hill. you can not make someone love you even if you try with all your might.

write a journal, work out. i hope you are still working out at the gyme.

best love is one that she returns your love. my two cents

[adam]

Trust me when I say that it will go away. It'll just take time.

[pozzolane]

Oh I know I'm definately not the only guy to feel this way. I still work out. I do everything a normal 23 year old does. The weird thing is I'm not really depressed about it. But I still think about it all the time. Like a really fond memory.

I've even had girlfriends since. quite a few of them. But I never feel the same about them as I did her.

Well in the last 2 years my feelings have remained pretty strong. Even though her and I have had very little contact. Thats why I feel like they wont go away, but I hope your right Adam.

Journal yes. Thats maybe half the reason I wrote this post. Partly to just write it out. But to see what other people thought too I guess.

Thanks for the replies

[champloo]

and thats about how i feel about this girl..

even if im 14.

you are as crazy as i am man. and its all the nature of a guy to feel this way i guess.

blessed with a curse to see blessing in those around us that make us cursed.