Her leaving for 2-3 months

[Jay Bee]

I've been seeing my GF for about 3 months (we've known eachother over a year) and the other day we had this conversation

GF: My sister asked me to come visit her in NY but I don't really like it there.
JB: Are you going to go?
GF: I don't know, I haven't decided.
JB: You should go, how long would you be gone for? 1 week, 2 weeks?
GF: A couple of months, 2-3, but maybe longer
JB: Ok you shouldn't go lol

We talked about it more 2 days later and she said she was going. It was obvious I didn't want her to go, not for that long anyway. And she said that if I didn't want her to go she wouldn't...

She hasn't seen most of them in years, and she's only been there once about 6 years ago. She acts like 3 months isn't a long time for her to be gone but it's about how long we've been together, just seems like a long break this early in a relationship, and I don't want anything to happen cause things are going really well.

I don't want her to go for 3 months... but I really don't want to be the guy that holds her back from doing the things she wants to do. I feel like saying "don't go" will stay around for awhile, and probably not be a good thing for us.

But she's got 6 months left of school that she's going to postpone to go... Which I don't think is a good idea, especially considering she REALLY wants to move A.S.A.P. and this would just delay it. We're in a LDR already and only see eachother on the weekends, this summer we were supposed to spend more time together.... I don't know.

[the dude]

I wouldn't worry too much man. she's with family not a bunch of school friends with hormones-a-plenty. This could be a good test to see if she's a decent girl. if she cheats on you then she's a whore and you didn't want anything to do with that right? and when she comes back then things will be gravy, feelings could possibly get stronger because you stuck it out for so long and she'll respect that. Plus it's not like you can't talk to her every night. I think it would be a bad idea to hold her back from going, if she's really close with her family they will ALWAYS be #1 in her books.

thats my take on things.

[Jay Bee]

Originally Posted by the dude

I wouldn't worry too much man. she's with family not a bunch of school friends with hormones-a-plenty. This could be a good test to see if she's a decent girl. if she cheats on you then she's a whore and you didn't want anything to do with that right? and when she comes back then things will be gravy, feelings could possibly get stronger because you stuck it out for so long and she'll respect that. Plus it's not like you can't talk to her every night. I think it would be a bad idea to hold her back from going, if she's really close with her family they will ALWAYS be #1 in her books.

thats my take on things.

That's what I was thinking as far as holding her back from going, I just think it will be tough on a 3 (will be 5 by the time she goes) month relationship. Seems like (some/a lot/all of) the attraction could be lost (not by me, but by her). And I wouldn't know if she cheated on me if she didn't tell me...

But I may have mentioned some of my concerns to her, said she may stay longer, may meet someone else. She stopped me and said that I didn't know her very well, that when she's with someone she doesn't need anyone else, and that nothing like that was going to happen. I didn't mention the whole attraction aspect though.

[WallyLlama]

One thing couples need to work out is how couples decisions get made. In some cases decisions get made together. There are other couples who seem to find it works for one to lead and the other to follow. I'd say that a 3 month relationship isn't close to having the process worked out.

There's a lot going on under the surface.

One question I'd be interested in asking... she said in the initial conversation that she doesn't like it there. Why is she going? It is interesting that she considers this worth postponing school... and apparently hasn't been too concerned about the affect on your relationship...

The decision of whether or not she goes and how long she stays should not be based on your insecurity. Sounds like she's decided she's going so now you need a plan and that plan needs to include a good understanding of your current relationship and where it might be going.

[Jay Bee]

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

One thing couples need to work out is how couples decisions get made. In some cases decisions get made together. There are other couples who seem to find it works for one to lead and the other to follow. I'd say that a 3 month relationship isn't close to having the process worked out.

There's a lot going on under the surface.

One question I'd be interested in asking... she said in the initial conversation that she doesn't like it there. Why is she going? It is interesting that she considers this worth postponing school... and apparently hasn't been too concerned about the affect on your relationship...

The decision of whether or not she goes and how long she stays should not be based on your insecurity. Sounds like she's decided she's going so now you need a plan and that plan needs to include a good understanding of your current relationship and where it might be going.

Yeah, I thought it was interesting as well. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go, but then found out that she had to take her nephew there to visit his father. So she figured if she was going she may as well stay awhile. And I also noticed she doesn't seem too concerned about it, it seems like she tries to act 'hard' about the relationship and after a little prodding she finally opens up and tells me how she really feels (or maybe she tells me what I want to hear to get me to stop? I don't know)

So you think I should talk with her about the relationship and our future? While leaving out anything that has to do with her possibly not feeling the same way when she gets back?

[batman527]

What LDR forum???

[champloo]

eh?

cant you go with her?

i dont suggest it.

even still, you shouldnt worry, and then test her by seeing if she cheats or not.

and then, she would probably call and say hey every like day or two, so then you'd know she thinks of you...

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by Jay Bee

So you think I should talk with her about the relationship and our future? While leaving out anything that has to do with her possibly not feeling the same way when she gets back?

I think you have to be cautious that you don't create an "issue-based" relationship... meaning this: the future of your relationship shouldn't be solely determined by whether or not she makes this trip and how long she stays away. It sounds like you both need to figure out "where you are" with each other. The fact that she seems "not concerned" about the relationship could mean she's secure - it could also mean your relationship isn't that important to her.

That's the issue for you, isn't it?

Let's assume she's secure in the relationship... the topic you both need to discuss is what you both will do to keep you feeling secure while you are apart. The discussion really is about how much a part of each other's lives you are -- regardless of where she's located. It does seem like she's making decisions about this trip without factoring in you or the relationship very much... so be prepared to not like the answer. You are wondering whether or not she'll feel the same way when she gets back... I think you need to be sure you know how she feels now.

To answer your question, I think you need everything on the table -- don't leave anything out. But don't make the trip the issue.

PS to Batman: amazing isn't it? LOL

[batman527]

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

PS to Batman: amazing isn't it? LOL

Somtimes I wonder if the moderators even look at the posts in these forums. I don't even know who the moderators are. If any one of them reads this, they should understand that there is a definite need for a LDR forum, becaue posts like this don't really fit under any of the current forums. As you can see, the issue here is strictly related to entering a LDR. I think it's obvious that the new forum would be a great help to a large segment of users on this site.

[vagabondprince]

I didn't read it posted in so many words, so i'm just going to make a suggestion that you sit down with your girlfriend and discuss with her how the two of you want your relationship to be during the two to three months she's gone. Wally made a good point that her being nonchalant about the matter could mean one of two things, and it may be important to figure out which meaning it has. Don't be nervous about the conversation or anything, bringing it up shows genuine concern and care for your relationship with her, and if she's secure in the relationship, this concern you show will probably make her feel better. Plus nervousness shows that you may be overly worried, which is not a good sign.

Good luck to you, hope things end up for the best.